Friday, December 2, 2016


Mommy Cusses what to get moms for christmas funny

The Holidays are here and spouses are scrambling to figure out what to get their significant others. It’s not like they wouldn’t be in this pickle if they’d just opened their motherfucking ears as we dropped hints throughout the year or anything, but I digress. 
Because I’m in a giving mood (no, no, zip your pants up, not that kind of giving. That’s your wish list, not mine), I’ve decided to compile a list of things you could give the woman who obliterated her body to give your offspring life. Totally nbd. But that’s not all, these items all have one thing in common; they won’t cost you a single penny.

Here are 9 totally free things you could give us moms:

1. A trip to the store by myself
I don’t remember what it’s like to maneuver a shopping cart that doesn’t have hands and legs flailing out of it. Grabbing at snacks on the shelves like a Gremlin that got sprayed with the produce sprinklers. Sure, bringing the kids saves us money in the end by ensuring I’m in and out in record time but, dammit, don’t act like you don’t appreciate that salt rock lamp I bought last time I was sans children.

2. Clothes IN the hamper
Not on the floor 2 feet away. Not hanging on the sides. Not wadded up in little piles like an annoying ass Easter Egg Hunt for adults that makes my head pulse until it eventually implodes on my sixth “find.”

3. A toothpaste/hairless sink
I literally do not understand what is so hard about this one. Brushing your teeth and shaving is not a complicated process. You do your thang, and then once you’re done, you simply wash the remnants down the drain. You know, with the contraption that dispenses water directly above said sink. If you’ve got a particularly pesky dollop of toothpaste or shaving cream, you can rub your finger on it and I promise you, it will go away. But for some reason, people insist on letting that shit collect over time like fucking stalactites. I do not need any more adventure in my cleaning routine. I do not desire to go spelunking. 

4. A date. Without you
I’m so sorry, I know this sounds terrible. It’s just that sometimes I drown underneath all this motherdom and spousery. Spending time by myself or with my closest friends help me to remember who I was. The version of me that used to unknowingly flash traffic by doing cartwheels in a dress outside the bar. The version of me that said things other than “tee-tee” “poopoo” “boogies” “binky” “lovey” “naptime” and “Please stop elbowing Mommy in the tit.” 

5. To take a shower like a normal person
Gone are the days where I could take a leisurely shower. And I know, I know, spending less time in the shower is good for the environment and stuff, but just the mindset that I could take a leisurely shower if I wanted to would be heavenly. Instead, my ears are perked like satellites, ready to pick up on the slightest scream or cry. Snapping the shower curtain open like a psycho because I thought I heard something. My hair is dry because I don’t have time to let my conditioner sit in my hair. And shaving? Yeah right. I could start donating my leg hair to LuLaRoe for overly priced woolly mammoth leggings.

6. To have the TV to myself
If I develop a brain tumor, heaven forbid, I’m naming it Caillou, after the character who likely produced it.

7. To drink a cup of hot coffee in one sitting
Children have this weird force field in and around their hands that gets activated by vessels of liquid. How else do you explain their ability to spill everything? So, if my cup of jo doesn’t get spilled, the kids employ other anti-temperature-efficient coffee tactics to ensure my coffee feels like I’m suckling on a glacier’s teat by the time I get to it. Said tactics include, but are not limited to: tantrums, shaving the cat, episodes of psychosis, and general rebellion.

8. A sister wife
Don’t get me wrong. You’re cool and all, but what I wouldn’t give for a live-in BFF to braid my hair, give me compliments, watch movies, bake shit, and drunkenly go through Snapchat filters with. And no, you can’t have sex with her.

9. Just ONE good picture
Just one. Just. One. FFS. Or even if Instagram could create a filter that magically turns back time for a couple seconds since that’s the exact timeframe it takes for a portrait to go from “picture perfect” to “WTF is happening right now?”

Also, if you could take a photo of me every once in a while so I have some documentation that I existed as the Matriarch of this family, that would be just swell.

Monday, November 21, 2016

"Why Do Moms?" Google Autocomplete

why do moms do what they do?

Google’s autocomplete feature is one that garners some handy and hilarious results. If you aren’t familiar with this feature, it’s where Google offers search suggestions based off whatever words you begin to type into the search bar. These suggestions are things that people have actually typed in, and they’re usually the more popular searches.

I decided to have a little fun with Google autocomplete with: Why do moms.

These were Google’s top search suggestions:
Why do moms get fat
Why do moms yell all the time
Why do moms kiss their babies
Why do moms hate their daughters
Why do moms yell


Since these are questions that actual people have pondered enough to consult Google, I thought, who better to answer these seekers of knowledge than a mom? 

So, let’s get to it.

Why do moms get fat?
First and foremost, because we decided to become a human Krang from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles for 9+ months. We fell pregnant and allowed an angry, wrinkly alien to inhabit our bodies and dictate our lives. Secondly, because exercise tends to take a backseat when you’re trying to keep another person from self-harming. Self-harm is a child’s sole mission in life. Thirdly, we’re fucking tired. Tired, I say! We answer questions, force our children into submission so we can clothe their supple, stretchmark-less bodies, and torture them with food and drink necessary for their survival. Fourthly, we have become human garbage disposals. Our spirit animal is the raccoon, pilfering partially chewed scraps directly above the trash can or waiting until after bedtime to shovel food into our mouths under the cloak of night.

Why do moms yell all the time?
Because. Stop smacking mommy in the face. Because. Put that down, sweetie. Because. Yes, I’m aware that cats have buttholes. Because, because, because, because, becauuuuuuse. If a mom says anything, anywhere, ever, and no one gives a shit, what time does she start drinking?

Contrary to popular belief, moms don’t enjoy yelling. Especially not all the time. The reason we yell all the time is because we have kids. All. Of. The. Time. Because our lives are full of constant noise and chaos, this is the minimum volume we must achieve in order to survive. Also, children are like dogs and a mother’s scream is like a dog whistle. Except you keep blowing and blowing and your kid doesn’t look up. Until you open a bag of chips.

Why do moms kiss their babies
Motherhood is a special kind of masochism in that we will deal with all manner of abuse just to get baby hugs, cuddles, smiles, and laughter. We kiss our babies because they bring us the most indescribable happiness. We kiss our babies because we’re in love and we don’t care who knows it. Until you are a parent, the pure love of a mother for her child is something you cannot fully fathom. Also, because we are witches and children are delicious, now get in my oven!

Why do moms hate their daughters?
Maybe because they have lustrous hair, high metabolisms, thigh gaps, and collagen. Maybe because girls are masters at the art of epic mindfuckery. Maybe because you should be in bed right now instead of dicking around on Google, Dianna, you have school in the morning. But, since you’re up, I’m going to the store in a sec, do you need anything?

Why do moms breastfeed?
Because we just really like the feeling of our nipples being gummed. Come on, people. Because, like any other being with teats, we're trying to keep our children alive with our boob juice. Plain and simple.

I hope this has been helpful. This reminds me, I need to Google: How to get a wine stain out of your adult onesie.

Monday, November 7, 2016

New Game Obsession: KinderPerfect

 First and foremost, guys, I've been working on a pretty big project which is why I have been neglecting this blog a bit. When I finally tell you what I've been up to, you'll be excited. I think. I hope.

But without further ado...

KinderPerfect Cards Against Humanity for parents

All work and no play makes mommy hide in a locked closet with chocolate.

As parents, we soon realize that the best medicine for all our parental woes and frustrations is laughter, so when I saw KinderPerfect pop up on my Facebook feed as the parent's version of Cards Against Humanity, I immediately added it to my mental wishlist. I even shared to my Mommy Cusses Facebook page which is a thing I have never done before for a product.

KinderPerfect is so badass that they, 1) Even saw my post and, 2) Offered to send me a free game to review. I was freaking ecstatic.

Scary Mommy describes KinderPerfect as a parent’s version of the widely popular card game Cards Against Humanity and that's precisely what it is.

To play, grab a few mom and/or dad friends who share your inappropriate sense of humor. The package recommends 4 or more players but the more the merrier. If you’re like me and your house is in complete disarray, you prefer to not wear pants, and frankly, don’t know that many people that could make it to your house, you could play online. I’ll tell you how I went about doing that.

The cards are split up into topic cards (White Cards) and answer cards (Red Cards).

KinderPerfect card decks

 Traditionally, at the beginning of each round, a person sits out and acts as a “Parent” much like a “Reader” in Cards Against Humanity. They pick a White Card which is a topic card, and read it to the other players.

Each player is dealt 10 red answer cards, and of those 10, they must pick their best/funniest response to the topic card that was read and hand that card to the reader.

Once all the White Cards are handed to the Parent, the Parent then decides which one they like best and then that player wins the round and is awarded the Red Card that was played.

It’s easy, it’s hilarious, there aren’t a million stupid plastic pieces you have to set up, and you don't have to share with your kids. It’s perfect. We’re parents and ain’t nobody got time for that.

Because most of my friends are spread out geographically, I decided to modify this game a bit and play it in a group chat with some of my favorite fellow “parent humor” friends on the Twitter.

Hilarity ensued.

Here are just a couple of the most hilarious game results:

hilarious new parent game KinderPerfect

hilarious new parent game KinderPerfect

The way I played was, I got a bunch of friends together online in a private group message. I chose 5 cards instead of 10 for each person and messaged each what was written on their answer cards. I chose a topic card and typed it out to the group and we played as normal but I opted for the group to vote on their favorite answer instead of designating a reader.

It took more time to message each person their answers but it all worked out and we had a lot of laughs.

So, basically what I’m saying is that there’s no excuse for you to not play this game.

The only negative thing I have to say about this game is that there wasn't more of it. I wanted more red topic cards so that I could put off cleaning my house and watching the Angry Birds movie on repeat for longer and keep playing.

Misery loves company, so grab a few friends and let the boxed wine flow. You deserve this. After all, what’s a slow spiral into madness without maniacal laughter?

Buy your set of KinderPerfect here!

Monday, September 5, 2016

An Amazon Review Of Childbirth

An Amazon Review Of Childbirth Mommy Cusses funny parent blog

After reading the rave reviews for this product and downing a few glasses of wine, I finally decided that it was time to drop this wish list item into my shopping cart and make it a reality.

At checkout, I carefully selected my desired options, summoned up every ounce of courage, and clicked ORDER.

Buyer’s remorse quickly set in. What was I doing? Was I ready? Did I truly want this? But as soon as the confirmation e-mail popped up in my inbox, I was ecstatic.

The description of this item states that it takes “nine months” after the purchase date for it to arrive, so I prepared myself for the wait. I checked in on the status messages of my order obsessively: “We have received your order,” “Processing your order,” and then finally, “Preparing your order for shipment.”

Nine months came and went and I was still sans package. After calling Customer Service, I found out that the process is more like 10 months. What. The. Fuck.

Then one morning, I received the text: Your package is out for delivery.

I’d been given an oddly vague window for when to expect my package, “It could either happen any moment now, or it could be here later in the evening. Mmmaybe even early tomorrow morning.”

I paced back and forth in front of my door, eager for the beeping of a delivery truck backing in with my precious cargo.

My heart dropped down into my ass and I felt like I had to poop.

Once the truck backed in, the delivery guy went to work, carefully positioning my crate on the lift gate. “Farther. Scoot down farther. Farther, until you feel my hand.” A mover guided the crate until it was hovering dangerously over the breezy unknown.

After slathering his hands with Crisco, the delivery man invited a horde of other people who'd assembled in my driveway to do the same. The mover, a pizza delivery guy, a homeless man I once gave $5 to, all lubed up and proceeded to shove their hands inside my delicate box like they were stuffing a Thanksgiving turkey. It was like the ending of The Wizard of Oz and I was Dorothy. “And you, and you, and you, and you were there!”

A team of Polynesians formed at the back of the truck and began performing battle cries as the delivery man lowered the gate.

The equipment began to seize, so the delivery man had to begin manually pulling at the box. That’s when the bottom of my box blew out. I’m not sure why the manufacturer packed my item in cherry filling, but soon the street below resembled a pie eating contest gone awry.

Speaking entirely in tongues now, the Polynesians had been joined by the entire town. Spotlights were being shone on my box, helicopters were hovering overhead, a cowboy rode past twirling a lasso, someone even rolled up a Jumbo Tron at some point. My box just sat there, splayed open for all to see its contents.

The delivery man did all he could, but eventually had to use Jaws of Life to loosen my package from the gate.

One final heave-ho, and my package was out safe. The only thing still tethering it to the truck was a thick magician’s ribbon. The Mayor hopped out of the back of the truck and handed a pair of scissors to my husband. It was like the Grand Opening of a Texas Chainsaw Massacre themed spaghetti restaurant. Paparazzi jumped out of the bushes to snap pictures of my husband and product, meanwhile my box just sat there like a busted piñata as village orphans poked at it with sticks.

The delivery man tried re-assembling my box to no avail. Like trying to put toothpaste back into the tube. Messy and pretty sad, mostly. He ended up just covering it with toilet paper and wrapping it up in a weird elastic mesh garb.
Though I’d selected the gift wrapping option complete with an elegant silk ribbon like I’d seen in another reviewer’s photo, my package came in a potato sack.

I untied the drawstring and to my dismay, my product’s switch was stuck on scream mode instead of “delightful snoozing cherub.”

Before leaving, the delivery man forced me to do unspeakable things prior to taking my signature and departing. I was forced to fart and pee in his presence like a feral animal.

The manual and parts that came with this product were basically useless as none of the tools fit, so set-up was a complete nightmare. Every time I ask a question in the Customer Service forum I get screamed at in the comments and the accessories I purchased beforehand aren’t even compatible with this model.

Nothing went according to plan and I have been exhausted by this entire process.

Would I recommend this product to a friend? Absolutely.

Saturday, August 6, 2016

How I Potty Trained My Newborn In 6 Easy Steps

How I Potty Trained my Newborn in 6 Easy Steps satire parent humor mommy cusses

Shortly after learning that I was pregnant, I decided to lead a more natural life. I traveled to the hills of Nebraska and found a large team of wild horses who took me under their hooves.

I learned so much during my time with them, and before I knew it I was naked on all fours, hovering over a pile of hay. As my baby crowned, I took off on a trot to help him come out. After lapping placenta off of him, I nuzzled him onto all fours, which prompted him to pass his first meconium poop. I knew right then and there that he was ready to be potty trained.

Many parents have been living under the misguided assumption that their offspring need to be 2 or 3 before they can successfully be potty trained, and to that I say, “NEIGH!” Equine Americans have been practicing Baby-Led Shitting successfully for centuries. Babies can be potty trained the moment they are born. They literally were born ready.

Want to know how a newborn can be potty trained with just 6 easy steps? Read on if you’re not a terrible parent, or don’t and just know that you’re wrong. Have fun with all that diaper rash and social conformity.

1) First things first: You need to teach your child to associate peeing and pooping with a certain sound.
At first I tried clapping a couple of hooves from a dead horse together, but my son didn’t take to it. Eventually, my spirit guides told me a high-trilling neigh was best. Every time your baby has a bowel movement, you need to repeat your signal.

2) Now, you need to learn your baby’s special way of telling you that they have to go.
Study their facial features, body movements, and any sounds they make. Many babies will look like a really concerned potato while grunting and/or whispering through their bottoms (or “farting” as imbecilic mouth breathers like to call it).

3) Since your newborn is unable to gallop just yet, you must ‘Hi-Ho, Silver’ and bring their special defecating urn to them.
Many that practice HS (horse shitting) use special, hand-crafted bowls, urns, or vases made out of breast milk, Play-Doh, hay, and horse hair. What’s the most natural way to clean the filth off of my child’s butt and genitals? Have you ever seen a horse use toilet paper? No, because they learned years ago that hooves are incapable of grasping onto toilet tissue. So, what do they do? They flick their majestic tails against their bung and wait for the next rain to wash the poo out. Don’t have access to horse tails? I crafted my very own baby flicking stick out of Barbie hair. You can get really creative using Barbie hair — wipes that are multicolored, glittery, change colors when soiled. The creators over at Mattel are geniuses.
4) As soon as your child signals having to go, you need to act with the quickness. 
The first poo is sacred and should be preserved in their sun-dried birth sac. Oh, you didn’t keep yours, stitch it together with umbilical cord strips, and bake it in the sun? Tell us all about that in the comment section below so that we may chastise you.
5) It may take a few times for you to grow accustomed to your infant’s signals and all-knowing powers, so don’t be discouraged.
If it happens too often, though, some find it cathartic to flog themselves naked under a full moon. A missed poo is never a baby’s fault; it’s the embodiment of all your failures and shortcomings. Continue bringing your baby his pooping shrine until he is old enough to crawl. Reward your baby every time they pee or poop in the potty with homemade quinoa chews.

6) Once your baby can crawl, all you have to do is install a doggy door so she can go outside when nature calls.
That’s it! You are now the proud new owner of a free range pooper. Watch with admiration as your child crawls around the yard, dropping bombs next to your kale garden. (Make sure to check out our recipe for DIY grass-fed baby fertilizer.)

“What’s your secret ingredient?” your guests will ask at your next outdoor BBQ. To which you’ll reply, “Shit. This corn was coated with our newborn’s shit.”

Friday, August 5, 2016

Fun Non-Traditional Baby Shower Game

 Fun Baby Shower Game: Pass The Baby

pass the baby funny baby shower game

Years ago, I threw a friend a baby shower. I wanted to come up with some baby shower games that didn't completely suck and ended up coming up with one on my own. Well, sorta. I stole the idea from a hilarious Passions party game and modified it for the baby shower. Key word, modified. No, I did not do a sex party game at a baby shower.

The game I modified required you to pass a certain X-rated object from betwixt your legs from person to person. Naturally, I, in all my awkward inappropriateness, wanted to play this game. At someone's baby shower. 

Don't worry, I made the game totally PG-13, and everyone had a freaking blast doing it.

Here's what you'll need:

  • A baby doll (you can get these at the dollar store, just be sure it's a decent size.  A life-sized baby doll is probably best because it just adds to the hilarity).
  • A way to play and pause music.
  • A song of your choice.

Here's how you play:

1. You'll need someone to sit this game out so they can play and pause the music so if you have any bashful friends, they can participate without participating by being the DJ.

2.  Everyone gets in a circle (close together because you're about to get to know each other REALLY well) and the mom-to-be starts out with the baby doll.

3.  To be fair, the DJ turns around so they can't see the circle.

4.  The mom-to-be puts the baby doll in-between her legs so that the legs are sticking out one way and the head is sticking out the other way, horizontally, so that she can easily-ish pass the doll to the person next to her.

5.  The DJ starts playing the music and will randomly decide when to stop the music.  Think musical chairs.

6.  So meanwhile, the participant is being passed from in-between one person's legs to the next.  YOU CANNOT USE YOUR HANDS (unless the doll drops, then, and only then, can the person who dropped it pick it back up, put it back between their legs and continue trying to pass the doll).

7.  Whenever the music stops, the person who has the baby is OUT.

8.  Continue doing this until only two people remain.  Continue playing the game as you have, only this will part will be the most laughing you've ever done as both people thrust at lightening speed so as not to get caught with the doll.

9. Whoever has the doll when the music stops loses and the winner gets a prize.

The other hilarious game I can't take credit for but wanted to play was Pin the Sperm on the Egg.  I ordered mine last-minute hoping to get it in time but I didn't.  Sad panda over here.

 pin the sperm on the egg baby shower game

 Here's a list of some of the other hilarious games we played at the baby shower: 

Playdough Baby:
Each person gets some play dough and tries to make the best miniature baby, whoever mommy and/or daddy-to-be thinks is the best wins.

play dough babies funny baby shower game

Baby Face:
Pictures of the mom and dad-to-be are printed out and cut into three sections, the top of the head, the middle of the head, and the bottom of the face.  Each participant gets a piece of paper and some glue and using a combination of head sections from the mom and dad, they try to build the craziest looking first baby picture.  Mom and/or dad gets to judge who made the best baby.

 baby face funny baby shower game

Message Diapers:
Okay, so this one wasn't a game but it was still a lot of fun.  Get a package of diapers, set them on a table with some sharpies, and have all the guests write funny little messages on the butt of the diapers.

 To read more about these fun games and get more baby shower game ideas, visit Buzzfeed.

Sunday, July 17, 2016

9 Pokemon Go Characters Every Mom Can Identify With

Mommy Cusses 9 Pokemon Go Characters Every Mom Can Identify With

They say curiosity killed the cat. By they, I mean all parents who are still sans Pokémon Go, free to waste a few moments mindlessly scrolling through their phones without a child snatching it out of their hands.

Recently, I have submitted to the wildly popular Pokémon Go craze and become one of the millions to download it.

As I delved deeper into the world of Pokémon, I realized that I identify with these monsters. They’re just creatures trying to live their lives while being chased around by children who are hell-bent on trapping them inside enclosed spaces.

I am never the same mom. My mood depends on situations, people, time of day, caffeine and alcohol levels, and also when I was fed last (and told I was pretty).

The following Pokémon have personality traits and behaviors I think all moms can relate to. Bear with me.

9 Pokemon Go Characters Every Mom Can Identify With Kabutops

This is how many of us start out in the morning. I mean, just look at it, completely dead inside. Kabutops can tuck itself into its shell to dodge questions from small, annoying children. It also uses its knife hands to kill things and drink their blood, which is also the minimum I would be willing to do to get my first cup of coffee. 

I wonder how dinner time goes down in a Kabutops house. Oh, you want dinner? Again? Yeah, no problem. Let me just violently chop up this broccoli with my scythes. I’m fine.


Gengar sounds like something I’d shout after finishing my sixth cup of re-reheated java.
One of my favorite qualities about this guy is its ability to sap the warmth out of others. This Pokémon is also a master hider who slips into the shadows to escape.

What are you doing, Mommy?
Just pretending to be Gengar, sweetie. 

9 pokemon go characters every mom can identify with ninetales

This bitch is fabulous. This is what moms are like when someone else takes their kids for the day. Suddenly we have the energy to take our annual shower. We drive to Target and glide through the aisles like Julie Andrews in The Sound of Music. 

Just like a typical woman, she’s known to hold grudges, is very intelligent, and, some say, has the power of mind control. I wouldn’t want to be the one to unclog her shower drains though.

9 Pokemon Go characters every mom can identify with Nidorina

Despite her looks, Nidorina is what everyone thinks of when they think Mom, gentle and caring. She is a family lady and though this Pokémon prefers not to fight, she’s not afraid to get scrappy either.

Don’t underestimate the lengths a mom will go to when it comes to the safety of her kids. We will scratch your eyes out.

Somewhat of a “helicopter mom,” Nidorina has been known to chew food for her young and gets nervous when separated from her brood. We can see her at a busy playground frantically counting her kids.

9 Pokemon Go Characters Every Mom Can Identify With Slowpoke

Slowpoke is the mom brain of Pokémon. Empty eyes, a WTF did I come in this room for? expression. This is what moms are like 60% of the day, staring on blankly, not responding to half of the eight billion questions fired off at her because she’s looking for…for…what was I looking for again?

Slowpoke doesn’t even realize when it’s been hurt sometimes. It’s fine, it makes a great game the next morning, Toy, Elbow, or Counter?

9 Pokemon Go Characters Every Mom Can Identify With Persian

This is mommy during that time of the month. Or when you’ve insulted her. Distracted by her elegance, grace, and exquisite mind fuckery, people are stunned when the claws come out.

Persian is described as “fickle and temperamental.” Maybe she just wants some freaking chocolate and to be told she’s appreciated every once in a while, did you ever think about that? 

The poster child of “Feed me and tell me I’m pretty,” Persian is known to scratch just because she feels like it, honestly.

9 Pokemon Go Characters Every Mom Can Identify With Kangaskhan

Kangaskhan is Super Mom, and while you may not feel like it, we all have Super Mom moments. She may have some attachment issues since her baby stays in her pouch until three but, hey, I’m not judging. 

Nurturing, fierce, and completely selfless, this bad ass lady won’t stop fighting until her child is safe and even sleeps standing up so as not to hurt her baby.

Here’s your career woman or work-at-home bad ass. This chick’s got a passion and won’t let anyone in her way. Not only is she beautiful, she’s powerful too with a bark that makes people bow down before her.

Oh, and as if all that weren’t enough, Arcanine is a workout addict and she looks hot doing it, too. This Pokémon is brave, loyal, and even stashes food in her mane to bring to her babies. Work it, girl.

9 Pokemon Go Characters Every Mom Can Identify With Snorlax

Snorlax is all out of fucks to give. You need a special instrument just to wake her up but even once she is, you can’t expect much besides eating and minimal exercising. Snorlax is a starved mother whose meals are usually her kid’s partially chewed leftovers which she eats directly above the trash can.

Snorlax is so exhausted and done with everyone’s shit that she doesn’t even bat an eye when her kids use her body as a jungle gym.

This Pokemon will basically eat garbage and not get sick. She’s our hero. #Goals.

Source: Bulbapedia