Friday, November 3, 2017

WTF Guide To The 2017 Pottery Barn Kids Holiday Catalog

Mommy Cusses WTF Guide to the 2017 Pottery Barn Kids Holiday Catalog

It’s officially November, which means it’s time for my annual roast of this year’s Pottery Barn Kids Holiday catalog. Why? Because when you use words like “sateen” and “luxe faux fur” and spelle wourds with extra letteres or unnecessary diacritical ɱäřķş in descriptions to sound like a fancy bitch, you’re just asking for it imo. Last year, PBK was all sherpa-lined obnoxiousness. This year, well, it’s still sherping obnoxious, but they’ve somehow managed to turn it up a notch, and holy chamois-covered testicles is it funny.

I hope you have a change of underwear handy, because I fully intend on making tears run down your legs. Although, if you don’t, I’m sure PBK has some $100 plush and lace chonies for people who piss pure excellence.

Friday, October 20, 2017


Mommy Cusses A Bad Moms Christmas sponsored by Evite post
This post is sponsored by Evite.

Hold onto your peppermint schnapps-filled bra flasks, ladies, because A Bad Moms Christmas, the sequel to the mom’s anthem of movies, Bad Moms, is coming out in December and we need this. Holy common core, do we need this. So, what does it mean to be a “bad mom” during the holidays even? These days, it can mean opting to not play with Lucifer’s doll, aka an Elf on the Shelf, in the middle of the night by making it poop Hershey Kisses in order to delight one’s children. But, if you need other examples of ways you’re robbing your children of seasonal magic and wonderment, Pinterest has them in the thousands.

In the days leading up to Christmas, there are always ample opportunities to festively fuck up, and in anticipation of A Bad Moms Christmas, I started thinking about my own “bad mom” moments, of which there are plenty.

Monday, July 17, 2017

WTF-MD: The WebMD for Parents (Because our Kids Are Trying to Kill Us)

Chronic parenthood ailments caused by children

As mothers, part of our job description is to frantically Google symptoms we or our family members are experiencing in order to come up with a crazy-as-shit self-diagnosis before calling the doctor. 90% of the time, that diagnosis is imminent death, and 100% of the time, our doctors are tired of our bullshit antics (and wish they'd never given us the number to their cell phone).

Sometimes in life, we experience a set of symptoms that just don't seem to fit under any known conditions. It's not that these conditions don't exist, it's just that they haven't been named yet. At least not officially. That's why I've taken it upon myself to identify some of these common yet mysterious ailments that run rampant among parents.

Check off any and all symptoms that apply:

Monday, July 10, 2017

So, You Want To Start A Blog?

how to start a blog by Mommy CussesLately, I’ve been getting a lot of questions about blogging. I’ve avoided writing about this topic because I feel like doing so gives people the impression that I’m some kind of expert at this when, in reality, I’m just an expert at not knowing WTF I’m doing. On my journey as a blogger, I’ve made lots of mistakes and I’m nowhere near the blogger I aspire to be, but through those mistakes and crippling self-doubt, I have picked up some tips and tricks and can tell you what I do know.

Friday, July 7, 2017

It That Shall Not Be Named

Gather 'round and lean in close, ladies, because things are about to get weird, intimate, graphic, and super awkward. I can't help it, it's kinda my thing.

Ladies, what in the shit is wrong with us? There are new moms out there, happy and basking in their pregnancy glow and heads full of long, luscious pregnancy hair that have no clue about my topic today, and it should be our job to warn them, but we fucking don't.

Wednesday, June 28, 2017

Ice + Salt Eroding Brain Experiment

Mommy Cusses eroding brain salt and ice melting experiment kidtivity

Listen, guys, I have a confession. I’m a closet Pinterest Mom. I’m not like a regular Pinterest Mom, I’m a cool Pinterest Mom. 

I’ve decided to start sharing some hot-mess-mom-approved kid activities with you in case you also blur the lines between total shit show of a parent and sometimes does cool crap with their offspring.

In the future, I’ll also be sharing with you all the fun Pinterest fails I’ve run across so you don’t find yourself screaming into a pillow on numerous occasions like I have.

For my first hot mess mom kidtivity, I present to you, the Eroding Brain.