Thursday, May 5, 2016

How To Get More Betterer At The Twitter

how to get more followers on twitter

Okay, I'm not Kim Kardashian, nor do I claim to be the Queen of Twitter. I have only actively been using Twitter for less than a year but in that time I've learned a lot so I thought I'd help those starting out or wanting more followers by passing on some tips.

Here it goes!

1) Hashtags Are Not Necessarily Your Friend

What!? My life is a lie!

I know what you're thinking because I thought it too. Hashtags are what get your tweets noticed, right? Well, yes and no.

If a person is searching Twitter for something specific, they can use the search bar and any tweets containing those words will show up. My first tweets, for a while actually, were tagged with #momlife #momproblems, etc. While this helped me find funny parent accounts and parent bloggers, it is my personal opinion that it makes your tweets less attractive to those wanting to retweet. To me, they spell out "newbie."

 

2) DO Use A Twitter Link

What am I talking about? You may or may not have seen these links in other people's bios. There is a handy link that brings up a search list of all your tweets. Think of this as a resume. Other users are curious to see what YOU have to say, so rather than risk them losing interest as they dig through your timeline that's full of retweets. Make your voice easily accessible.

When I tried Googling for this magical link, I came up empty handed so I'm going to do you a solid. Copy this link and replace YOURUSERNAME with, you guessed it, your user name, or everything after your "@":

https://twitter.com/search?q=From%3AYOURUSERNAME

Don't worry if you don't see the whole link when you go to paste it into your bio. It should work.

3) Put The @'s Down And Nobody Gets Hurt

An "@" is Twitter lingo for annoying. Totally kidding. Kind of. An "@" is when you reply to other people's tweets or go to their timeline and write to them. It's totally fine to do this every once in a while, but if you reply to every single tweet someone writes, you need to simmer.

Also, if I go to your timeline and see that it's filled solely with @'s to people, I probably won't follow. I want to know what you have to say, not read conversations between you and other people. Twitter people have jokes about "@'ers." Don't be an "@'er."

4) MCM, WCW, FF

To confuse you even more, I am now going to encourage you to @ people. I know, so many acronyms, omg, wtf? But these are actually great opportunities to engage with people and show them your appreciation. Why do this? Because you're a mostly nice person hopefully, but you're also benefiting yourself because now these people may return the favor by visiting your timeline to follow, if they aren't already, and hopefully get your name out by retweeting you.

Don't expect that though. Do this out of the goodness of your heart because you truly like these people. Make a list of, say, 5 users that you admire and send your love out into the Twitterverse.

5) RETWEET!

I was very shy to retweet (RT) other people in the beginning. Don't be! It is the biggest compliment to do so. A heart (or sometimes star...Twitter is always changing this) is nice, but people really want and appreciate RT's. This being said, only RT things that you genuinely think are funny and/or interest you. Basically, would you have tweeted this if you thought of it first, and/or do you support this?

Retweets are a reflection of yourself.

Retweeting increases your chances of being followed and retweeted because the people you retweet will likely check you out if they haven't already to return the favor. I know I do.

6) This Is Not Facebook

I repeat, this is NOT Facebook. I don't want to know what you did today or how yummy your coffee is. I want to laugh. Facebook is where you go to glorify your life, Twitter is where it's hilarious to over dramatize how shitty things are, that's why most of us love Twitter. Life is a shit show, let's have some laughs. We see enough filtered pictures and airbrushed lives on Facebook. Nnnnno! *smacks your hand*

7) Participate In Hashtag Games

Hashtags are okay if you're participating in a hashtag contest. This is where a hashtag game account gives a topic and you respond with your wittiest answer and include the topic's hashtag in your tweet. A ton of people participate in these contests because they're fun and will check out other people's responses and heart or retweet you if they like what you have to say. Maybe even give you a follow.

8) Make Friends

You'll run into people that interest you more than others. Visit their TL's frequently and retweet them, @ them something witty every once in a while, give 'em a shout-out as a cool person to follow. Maybe you'll become friends and they'll begin retweeting you and telling their friends to follow you. Put them on a list of your favorite people so it's easier to keep track of them.

I never thought it would be possible to find friends on Twitter but I've made quite a few and we talk more than I talk to some of my closest friends (I know, that's bad). Twitter people rock.

9) Be Consistent

Try to write tweets daily. I know that sounds like a lot (and it is, trust me, I find it challenging) but Twitter is fast-paced and people look forward to fresh content. Make a draft folder or keep notes on your phone whenever you think of something witty so you can have a reserve of tweets on days your mind is blank then just copy and paste.

10) Fucking Moist

I'm Mommy Cusses. I very obviously have an appreciation for swearing, but to be appealing to a wider audience, I tend to refrain from cursing. Same goes with being gross and porny. I over share, I tweet vulgar things, but most of my tweets just have to do with every day life. This is for the same reasons. Unless that's your target audience, of course, in which case let your freak flag fly.

11) Check Out My Blog Post!

"No!" is what most people think when you link to your blog posts on Twitter. It's harsh but it's the truth. Most people are on Twitter for quick comic relief, they don't have time to visit your blog. Does this mean never mention your blog posts? Absolutely not. But don't ONLY use Twitter to announce that you've published a new blog post.

Don't be monotone. Make a meme, post a funny picture, retweet, tweet some funny content. It's no fun visiting a timeline that is repetitive.

12) Kill The Crowd Fire

I loathe getting DM's after following someone and it's an automated message thanking me and welcoming me to check out your blog. Stop pressuring me! I know you have a blog, I saw the link in your bio.

Thank me some other way, LIKE BY RETWEETING ME or following me back if you like me. Your generic message is giving me hives. Big turn-off, personally.

Now I'm gonna learn ya on a few acronyms and Twitter lingo so you won't feel so damn clueless.

RT- Retweet
TC - Twitter Crush
FF - Follow Friday
MCM - Man Crush Monday
WCW - Woman Crush Wednesday
TL - Timeline (your profile)
CW- Coworker
4: - (or any number) Person is referring to their child by using their age rather than a name. Many people on Twitter favor anonymity.
Twittercide- When a user, especially one who has a large-ish following, deletes their account or no longer tweets.
Big Account - A Twitter user with a large following
Small Account - A newbie

 I hope this post helps you to be more confident and not feel as awkward and clueless as I was in the beginning. Now get out there and have some fun!

Tuesday, April 26, 2016

Hilariously Terrible Mother's Day Cards

Mother's Day is right around the corner and it can be tough to find a card that has all the right words in it. That's why I've taken it upon myself to create a series of hilariously terrible and extremely unconventional Mother's Day cards that hopefully say everything you wish you could and more. Feel free to share!

terrible mother's day cards

terrible mother's day cards

terrible mother's day cards

terrible mother's day cards

terrible mother's day cards

terrible mother's day cards

terrible mother's day cards

terrible mother's day cards

terrible mother's day cards

terrible mother's day cards

terrible mother's day cards

terrible mother's day cards

I hope you enjoyed these. Happy Mother's Day from this dysfunctional momma to hopefully some other dysfunctional moms. Which one was your favorite?

Wednesday, April 20, 2016

To The Mom I Wanted To Be


mommy cusses parenting and humor blog

We thought we had it all figured out, didn’t we? We added only the very best of everything to our baby registry, pinned healthy bento box lunch ideas to carefully curated Pinterest boards and poured over baby books. We listened to the horror stories of seasoned parents while smugly saying to ourselves Well, when I have a baby... (insert totally naive thing you will or won’t do). And then we did.

The first time I felt you slipping away was the second night at home with our son. I was a frazzled mix of frantic and tired all at once because he wouldn’t sleep. He just cried. Surely I’d already screwed up the first steps to that successful bedtime routine I memorized from the parenting magazine. “His days and nights are switched,” someone said and I’ve realized since then that I have to say goodbye to you. 

I can’t choose what type of mother to be because we don’t get to choose what kind of child we get.

I assembled you methodically from things I read and saw, people I admired. You were going to be pretty amazing. You were supposed to be our definition of the “perfect mom.” You’d be fun and energetic, hands-on and tough. You’d serve healthy foods, limit screen time, you wouldn’t let bad days get to you. You wouldn’t wear yoga pants or have a mom ass, you’d shower and exercise, and, and, and, you started to kill me.

You were getting too big, too demanding. The lesson plans and Pinterest activities were crowding my brain. I was drowning in your expectations (and not gracefully, either). I’d go to bed feeling like the worst mother ever but you didn’t let me off there, you continued to torture me even in my dreams.

Every perceived failure, every time my son didn’t take to something or didn’t hit a milestone. Every time he absolutely refused to even lick one of those goddamn broccoli tots some stranger online convinced me would taste just like potatoes you were there tapping your foot at me. Tsk tsk tsk. Every time I blindly picked my outfit out of clothes strewn across the floor or let the TV babysit my child so a meal could get cooked or a shower taken or a candy bar eaten without sharing you were there, haunting me.

We can’t control the people in our lives but we can control ourselves and I was losing to you. I found new things to add as I browsed the Internet and scrolled through my news feed. I put so much weight on you it’s no wonder you finally started to crack.

And it’s okay. I’m okay. I am enough without you. You, reading this, you are enough.

There’s a quote I recently read from the book She by Kobi Yamada (or at least that’s what Google told me) that said, “She took the leap and built her wings on the way down,” and I think that perfectly sums up motherhood. So I’m jumping ship before we crash and burn. I’ll find myself through the mistakes and the challenges because I have to, there’s no escape. Not even the bathroom. 

I guess this is a good time to say I’m taking half of all our Pinterest boards with me though. Sorry.

And don’t worry about the kid, okay? Turns out he’s pretty great regardless of what I wear as long as I just show up every day. Doing the best I can is what’s best for him. He may live solely on a diet of chicken nuggets and mac ‘n’ cheese but at least he’s not starving. 

I know you meant well, we were just clueless.

Love,
The Mom I turned out to be

Wednesday, April 6, 2016

How To Make A Murdered Meal



You're pumped! You found a promising recipe on Pinterest that received rave reviews and you're ready to treat your family's taste buds to a culinary masterpiece. Then about halfway through you realize this entire endeavor is a catastrophic mistake.

You're murdering this meal and not in the good way. File this one under Fail.

Ingredients
Nothing you have in your pantry and something you can't pronounce that needs to be special ordered from an oracle in Nigeria.

Prep time
Hahahahaha!

Directions
1. Pick some nice, long, thick zucchinis from your stupid garden or preferably, a crowded grocery store while making barely audible sex noises.

2. Gather all your ingredients together, discover you forgot to buy the $10 spice you've never heard of until reading this recipe and shrug. How important are spices even?

3. Have a virgin milk a grass-fed cow raised in the Himalaya's and make your own cottage cheese. If you can't, because you're a bastard, store-bought is fine. *Aggressively side-eyes you*

4. Circumcise your zuchinis.

5. Tediously salt, wait, and blot your zucchini slices with a paper towel while earning the Native-American name Sighs-A-Lot.

6. Guess a number between 300 and 400 and preheat your oven to that many degrees.

7. While the oven is preheating, take the block of ground beef ice you forgot to defrost out of the freezer and begin browning it in a large pan. 

7 1/2. Take a brief moment to appreciate this meme:
8. Once oven is preheated, place the sheet of filet-of-phallic-veg in oven and bake just long enough to dry them out a bit. Watch closely.

9. Get sidetracked by that funny Buzzfeed post. Open the oven when you smell burning.

10. Pick the zucchini foreskins off of the baking sheet.

11. Empty out random cans and jars with pictures of tomatoes on them into your cow crumbles.

12. Find a small trash bin and begin layering mangled pieces of zucchini, meat charcoal tomato slop, cheese, and cottage cheese. Toss in your hopes and dreams too while you're at it.

13. Bake for one of your child's run-on-sentence stories minutes long.

14. Remove.

15. Cry. A lot.

 For more food-related hilarity, check out some recipes from my Gangster Kitchen section to see how Vanilla Ice or the Ying Yang Twins would cook.

Thursday, March 24, 2016

How To Be The Perfect Mom




how to be the perfect mom

Hi, I'm Perfect Mom, nice to formally meet you. You actually know me quite well because I live inside your head. You've assembled me from women you see on TV, Pinterest, and your social media. I am the perceptions that you bully yourself with. I fill you with guilt and doubt and make you question if you do enough, if you are enough.
It just so happens I have some time to spare between my anal bleaching appointment and our weekly family fun night so I thought I'd tell you a little bit about what it takes to be, well, perfect.
First thing's first. You can't be perfect without letting everyone know about it so make sure you have the latest, trendiest smartphone and every single social media platform.
Next, you're going to need to ramp up your selfie game. I know what you're thinking, what does this have to do with being the perfect mom? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Extra points if you are touching your hair for no apparent reason.
Okay, so you know those totally normal things other parents do like allow their kids to play with electronics, eat sweets and fast food? Yeah, you don't do that. Not only don't you eat fast food, you eat organic, non GMO, free range, and locally grown only. If you don't pluck your herbs, fruits, and veggies from your very own garden you're basically a monster.
Being perfect means you own the very best of everything. If your diaper bag (which is literally meant to store shit while you're on the go) isn't designer, what are you even doing with your life?
Take a giant dump all over your friends and the world's child population by declaring your child THE cutest, smartest, or just best in general. EVER.
Stay on top of all household chores and errands and keep a home that is always ready for a Better Homes and Gardens cover shoot.
Snap flawless pictures of you and your smiling, laughing children often to give the impression that bad days aren't normal and definitely don't happen to you. Isn't life grand?
Wear hats and scarves and accessories that are completely unnecessary all the time. Yoga pants and being frumpy are for lazy slobs.
Fill every moment of your day with some sort of craft, project, or family outing. TV, cuddles, down time, and allowing the children to entertain themselves is lazy parenting.
Talk about how easy everything comes to you and yours. Don't worry about friends or family with kids who have difficulties or struggle to hit milestones.
Post pictures of every single meal you cook because you're never tired, order out, or just don't effing feel like it.
Rave about how easily all your pregnancy weight came off after a mere two weeks. You just snapped back and can wear the same jeans you did in High School.
Flirt with your significant other online and hint at your amazing sex life. You just can't believe how incessantly happy you are. After all, you couldn't express all that love through a simple text message.
And really, that's all there is to it! As long as you're deliriously happy all the time, fit, well-dressed, trendy, hands on, energetic, a bombshell, and obnoxious, you're golden.
In the history of time a perfect mom has never existed. There has, however, been the perception of the perfect mom. We see her on TV, in magazines, on Pinterest, and in our Facebook feed. We each assemble our version of Perfect Mom in our heads from snippets of things we read and see and hear and then bully ourselves when we don't meet her standards.
I don't know about you, but I'm exhausted just thinking about having to do/be all the things we've been brainwashed into thinking perfection is. I'm perfectly happy being beautifully flawed and winging motherhood one chaotic moment to the next. Here's to being just okayish.

Sunday, January 31, 2016

Mom Funnies

I saw this collection of tactical hand signals last year and someone had changed the meaning of said signals and I laughed way harder than I should have. So I got to thinking, what if I altered the meaning of these hand signals to things that would make sense for parents. So I did.

funny tactical hand signals for parents
funny parenting memes



Wednesday, January 27, 2016

My 260-Week Old's Monthly Update

We've all seen them. Those cute monthly updates from friends and family documenting all the new and exciting things their baby is doing alongside an adorable photo and stats on their development. Smiling, developing a personality, sitting unsupported, crawling, all those incredible and share-worthy milestones. Usually the whole thing stops by their first birthday. But what if they didn't?

Here's what we would see if parents continued to keep track of their children's stats passed the age of 1.

2. 104 Weeks Old
The "terrible two's" are upon us *sigh*. Little guy loves telling us "no-no" and sharting himself in protest to things he doesn't like.

Learned to walk. Says "mine" a lot. Allergic to sharing and if forced to do so, breaks out in whines. Discovered electrical outlets and electricity as a result. There must be something about the oddly emoji-like holes. Speaking of holes, he plays a mean door stopper while I'm trying to poop. Thubububwubayub, a-thwubububububayub.

Pretends to order pizza on the phone and then glance at me triumphantly like he's done me the favor of favors just like his dad.

Finds destruction satisfying and breaks everything within his chubby arm's reach. Good thing I wasn't too attached to those fancy frames (they were just extravagant wedding gifts, afterall) with pictures of fr...friend? fronds? No, that doesn't sound right but I can't remember the word.

Ever since I became a mother I've been drawn to this red liquid in the liquor section at the grocery store. I think I'm gonna try some out soon.

3. 156 Weeks Old
The three's are just as terrible if not more-so than the two's.

Starting to talk a lot now, need to watch my potty mouth because he just hollered "WTF" repeatedly while I was ordering at the drive-thru. Adorable. Speaking of potty, little Jimmy pissed on his Fisher Price barn today which was literally 2 feet away from the new Sing, Dance, Spin you Cotton Candy and Gift you a Pony Elmo potty we got him.

I spent an hour cooking those cauliflower tots Pinterest swears my picky eater will think are potatoes but he just aggressively side-eyed me. I've gained 5 lbs eating all the food he refuses and I cry a lot.

Still not sleeping through the night. I oftentimes find him standing next to my bed at 3 a.m. completely silent and still. He'd make a great actor for Children of the Corn or something. Does the Y offer acting classes?

Turns out that red stuff is called wine and my pantry a.k.a wine cellar is almost empty.

4. 208 Weeks Old
If anyone at the store wants to know where the snack aisle went, it's at my house now. I could cook my child a 5 star meal and he'd still say he wasn't hungry and then insist on having a snack.

Started Preschool which is both a blessing and a curse. A blessing because I get three hours three times a week to kill brain cells in peace or walk around Target aimlessly. A curse because I have to put on pants to drop him off and he says fun things like "whatever" now. Every other month we get to bring home the class pet. The class pet is Swine Flu.

Run-on sentences for days. I don't remember what quiet sounds like. Loves to fart directly in my eyes but on the plus side, I get to see the world through rose colored retinas now. It burns. Has a fascination with buttholes and touches his penis non-stop.

Has deep, meaningful conversations about each and every Skylander character but will not tell me what he did at school.

Drew a picture that looks like a brutal murder scene. Like those drawings you see in horror films. I'm watching him through the cracks of my closet right now and he's making blood spatter patterns using red finger paints. So artistic.

Speaking of red, the garage a.k.a my wine cellar is almost empty.

5. 260 Weeks Old
Parkour is my son's preferred method of travel. Remember that whole teaching him to speak thing I did the first three years of his life? Well, now if I say a word wrong he corrects me with the snooty disdain of a College English Professor.

Likes to ask questions at the rate of 1,000 per hour, many of them causing me to question my own existence.

Coordinates his own playdates now. To be on his friends list you must enjoy fart noises and Minecraft. Enjoys sticking his hand up animal carcasses and giving them voices. Puppets, I'm talking about puppets.

Sings a death metal cover of Paw Patrol.

Parades around in superhero masks with foam swords and shoots at the cat with Nerf guns.
Points out my fat which is great for my self-esteem. Has learned negotiating skills. I got to clean goldfish crackers off the floor "all by myself" which is a privilege judging from his tone, while he "will just drink his juice." I'm beginning to wonder if his ethics are morally sound.

And that's as far as we've gotten but I'm sure Kindergarten will bring about a whole new shitstorm to behold.

Speaking of shitstorm, I hope the backyard a.k.a my vineyard doesn't get destroyed because I could sure use a glass right about now.

Now let's all do a yearly stats update on our significant others. You go first.