Monday, September 5, 2016

An Amazon Review Of Childbirth

An Amazon Review Of Childbirth Mommy Cusses funny parent blog

After reading the rave reviews for this product and downing a few glasses of wine, I finally decided that it was time to drop this wish list item into my shopping cart and make it a reality.

At checkout, I carefully selected my desired options, summoned up every ounce of courage, and clicked ORDER.

Buyer’s remorse quickly set in. What was I doing? Was I ready? Did I truly want this? But as soon as the confirmation e-mail popped up in my inbox, I was ecstatic.

The description of this item states that it takes “nine months” after the purchase date for it to arrive, so I prepared myself for the wait. I checked in on the status messages of my order obsessively: “We have received your order,” “Processing your order,” and then finally, “Preparing your order for shipment.”

Nine months came and went and I was still sans package. After calling Customer Service, I found out that the process is more like 10 months. What. The. Fuck.

Then one morning, I received the text: Your package is out for delivery.

I’d been given an oddly vague window for when to expect my package, “It could either happen any moment now, or it could be here later in the evening. Mmmaybe even early tomorrow morning.”

I paced back and forth in front of my door, eager for the beeping of a delivery truck backing in with my precious cargo.

My heart dropped down into my ass and I felt like I had to poop.

Once the truck backed in, the delivery guy went to work, carefully positioning my crate on the lift gate. “Farther. Scoot down farther. Farther, until you feel my hand.” A mover guided the crate until it was hovering dangerously over the breezy unknown.

After slathering his hands with Crisco, the delivery man invited a horde of other people who'd assembled in my driveway to do the same. The mover, a pizza delivery guy, a homeless man I once gave $5 to, all lubed up and proceeded to shove their hands inside my delicate box like they were stuffing a Thanksgiving turkey. It was like the ending of The Wizard of Oz and I was Dorothy. “And you, and you, and you, and you were there!”

A team of Polynesians formed at the back of the truck and began performing battle cries as the delivery man lowered the gate.

The equipment began to seize, so the delivery man had to begin manually pulling at the box. That’s when the bottom of my box blew out. I’m not sure why the manufacturer packed my item in cherry filling, but soon the street below resembled a pie eating contest gone awry.

Speaking entirely in tongues now, the Polynesians had been joined by the entire town. Spotlights were being shone on my box, helicopters were hovering overhead, a cowboy rode past twirling a lasso, someone even rolled up a Jumbo Tron at some point. My box just sat there, splayed open for all to see its contents.

The delivery man did all he could, but eventually had to use Jaws of Life to loosen my package from the gate.

One final heave-ho, and my package was out safe. The only thing still tethering it to the truck was a thick magician’s ribbon. The Mayor hopped out of the back of the truck and handed a pair of scissors to my husband. It was like the Grand Opening of a Texas Chainsaw Massacre themed spaghetti restaurant. Paparazzi jumped out of the bushes to snap pictures of my husband and product, meanwhile my box just sat there like a busted piñata as village orphans poked at it with sticks.

The delivery man tried re-assembling my box to no avail. Like trying to put toothpaste back into the tube. Messy and pretty sad, mostly. He ended up just covering it with toilet paper and wrapping it up in a weird elastic mesh garb.
Though I’d selected the gift wrapping option complete with an elegant silk ribbon like I’d seen in another reviewer’s photo, my package came in a potato sack.

I untied the drawstring and to my dismay, my product’s switch was stuck on scream mode instead of “delightful snoozing cherub.”

Before leaving, the delivery man forced me to do unspeakable things prior to taking my signature and departing. I was forced to fart and pee in his presence like a feral animal.

The manual and parts that came with this product were basically useless as none of the tools fit, so set-up was a complete nightmare. Every time I ask a question in the Customer Service forum I get screamed at in the comments and the accessories I purchased beforehand aren’t even compatible with this model.

Nothing went according to plan and I have been exhausted by this entire process.

Would I recommend this product to a friend? Absolutely.

Saturday, August 6, 2016

How I Potty Trained My Newborn In 6 Easy Steps

How I Potty Trained my Newborn in 6 Easy Steps satire parent humor mommy cusses

Shortly after learning that I was pregnant, I decided to lead a more natural life. I traveled to the hills of Nebraska and found a large team of wild horses who took me under their hooves.

I learned so much during my time with them, and before I knew it I was naked on all fours, hovering over a pile of hay. As my baby crowned, I took off on a trot to help him come out. After lapping placenta off of him, I nuzzled him onto all fours, which prompted him to pass his first meconium poop. I knew right then and there that he was ready to be potty trained.

Many parents have been living under the misguided assumption that their offspring need to be 2 or 3 before they can successfully be potty trained, and to that I say, “NEIGH!” Equine Americans have been practicing Baby-Led Shitting successfully for centuries. Babies can be potty trained the moment they are born. They literally were born ready.

Want to know how a newborn can be potty trained with just 6 easy steps? Read on if you’re not a terrible parent, or don’t and just know that you’re wrong. Have fun with all that diaper rash and social conformity.

1) First things first: You need to teach your child to associate peeing and pooping with a certain sound.
At first I tried clapping a couple of hooves from a dead horse together, but my son didn’t take to it. Eventually, my spirit guides told me a high-trilling neigh was best. Every time your baby has a bowel movement, you need to repeat your signal.

2) Now, you need to learn your baby’s special way of telling you that they have to go.
Study their facial features, body movements, and any sounds they make. Many babies will look like a really concerned potato while grunting and/or whispering through their bottoms (or “farting” as imbecilic mouth breathers like to call it).

3) Since your newborn is unable to gallop just yet, you must ‘Hi-Ho, Silver’ and bring their special defecating urn to them.
Many that practice HS (horse shitting) use special, hand-crafted bowls, urns, or vases made out of breast milk, Play-Doh, hay, and horse hair. What’s the most natural way to clean the filth off of my child’s butt and genitals? Have you ever seen a horse use toilet paper? No, because they learned years ago that hooves are incapable of grasping onto toilet tissue. So, what do they do? They flick their majestic tails against their bung and wait for the next rain to wash the poo out. Don’t have access to horse tails? I crafted my very own baby flicking stick out of Barbie hair. You can get really creative using Barbie hair — wipes that are multicolored, glittery, change colors when soiled. The creators over at Mattel are geniuses.
4) As soon as your child signals having to go, you need to act with the quickness. 
The first poo is sacred and should be preserved in their sun-dried birth sac. Oh, you didn’t keep yours, stitch it together with umbilical cord strips, and bake it in the sun? Tell us all about that in the comment section below so that we may chastise you.
5) It may take a few times for you to grow accustomed to your infant’s signals and all-knowing powers, so don’t be discouraged.
If it happens too often, though, some find it cathartic to flog themselves naked under a full moon. A missed poo is never a baby’s fault; it’s the embodiment of all your failures and shortcomings. Continue bringing your baby his pooping shrine until he is old enough to crawl. Reward your baby every time they pee or poop in the potty with homemade quinoa chews.

6) Once your baby can crawl, all you have to do is install a doggy door so she can go outside when nature calls.
That’s it! You are now the proud new owner of a free range pooper. Watch with admiration as your child crawls around the yard, dropping bombs next to your kale garden. (Make sure to check out our recipe for DIY grass-fed baby fertilizer.)

“What’s your secret ingredient?” your guests will ask at your next outdoor BBQ. To which you’ll reply, “Shit. This corn was coated with our newborn’s shit.”

Friday, August 5, 2016

Fun Non-Traditional Baby Shower Game

 Fun Baby Shower Game: Pass The Baby

pass the baby funny baby shower game

Years ago, I threw a friend a baby shower. I wanted to come up with some baby shower games that didn't completely suck and ended up coming up with one on my own. Well, sorta. I stole the idea from a hilarious Passions party game and modified it for the baby shower. Key word, modified. No, I did not do a sex party game at a baby shower.

The game I modified required you to pass a certain X-rated object from betwixt your legs from person to person. Naturally, I, in all my awkward inappropriateness, wanted to play this game. At someone's baby shower. 

Don't worry, I made the game totally PG-13, and everyone had a freaking blast doing it.

Here's what you'll need:

  • A baby doll (you can get these at the dollar store, just be sure it's a decent size.  A life-sized baby doll is probably best because it just adds to the hilarity).
  • A way to play and pause music.
  • A song of your choice.

Here's how you play:

1. You'll need someone to sit this game out so they can play and pause the music so if you have any bashful friends, they can participate without participating by being the DJ.

2.  Everyone gets in a circle (close together because you're about to get to know each other REALLY well) and the mom-to-be starts out with the baby doll.

3.  To be fair, the DJ turns around so they can't see the circle.

4.  The mom-to-be puts the baby doll in-between her legs so that the legs are sticking out one way and the head is sticking out the other way, horizontally, so that she can easily-ish pass the doll to the person next to her.

5.  The DJ starts playing the music and will randomly decide when to stop the music.  Think musical chairs.

6.  So meanwhile, the participant is being passed from in-between one person's legs to the next.  YOU CANNOT USE YOUR HANDS (unless the doll drops, then, and only then, can the person who dropped it pick it back up, put it back between their legs and continue trying to pass the doll).

7.  Whenever the music stops, the person who has the baby is OUT.

8.  Continue doing this until only two people remain.  Continue playing the game as you have, only this will part will be the most laughing you've ever done as both people thrust at lightening speed so as not to get caught with the doll.

9. Whoever has the doll when the music stops loses and the winner gets a prize.

The other hilarious game I can't take credit for but wanted to play was Pin the Sperm on the Egg.  I ordered mine last-minute hoping to get it in time but I didn't.  Sad panda over here.

 pin the sperm on the egg baby shower game

 Here's a list of some of the other hilarious games we played at the baby shower: 

Playdough Baby:
Each person gets some play dough and tries to make the best miniature baby, whoever mommy and/or daddy-to-be thinks is the best wins.

play dough babies funny baby shower game

Baby Face:
Pictures of the mom and dad-to-be are printed out and cut into three sections, the top of the head, the middle of the head, and the bottom of the face.  Each participant gets a piece of paper and some glue and using a combination of head sections from the mom and dad, they try to build the craziest looking first baby picture.  Mom and/or dad gets to judge who made the best baby.

 baby face funny baby shower game

Message Diapers:
Okay, so this one wasn't a game but it was still a lot of fun.  Get a package of diapers, set them on a table with some sharpies, and have all the guests write funny little messages on the butt of the diapers.

 To read more about these fun games and get more baby shower game ideas, visit Buzzfeed.

Sunday, July 17, 2016

9 Pokemon Go Characters Every Mom Can Identify With

Mommy Cusses 9 Pokemon Go Characters Every Mom Can Identify With

They say curiosity killed the cat. By they, I mean all parents who are still sans Pokémon Go, free to waste a few moments mindlessly scrolling through their phones without a child snatching it out of their hands.

Recently, I have submitted to the wildly popular Pokémon Go craze and become one of the millions to download it.

As I delved deeper into the world of Pokémon, I realized that I identify with these monsters. They’re just creatures trying to live their lives while being chased around by children who are hell-bent on trapping them inside enclosed spaces.

I am never the same mom. My mood depends on situations, people, time of day, caffeine and alcohol levels, and also when I was fed last (and told I was pretty).

The following Pokémon have personality traits and behaviors I think all moms can relate to. Bear with me.

9 Pokemon Go Characters Every Mom Can Identify With Kabutops

This is how many of us start out in the morning. I mean, just look at it, completely dead inside. Kabutops can tuck itself into its shell to dodge questions from small, annoying children. It also uses its knife hands to kill things and drink their blood, which is also the minimum I would be willing to do to get my first cup of coffee. 

I wonder how dinner time goes down in a Kabutops house. Oh, you want dinner? Again? Yeah, no problem. Let me just violently chop up this broccoli with my scythes. I’m fine.


Gengar sounds like something I’d shout after finishing my sixth cup of re-reheated java.
One of my favorite qualities about this guy is its ability to sap the warmth out of others. This Pokémon is also a master hider who slips into the shadows to escape.

What are you doing, Mommy?
Just pretending to be Gengar, sweetie. 

9 pokemon go characters every mom can identify with ninetales

This bitch is fabulous. This is what moms are like when someone else takes their kids for the day. Suddenly we have the energy to take our annual shower. We drive to Target and glide through the aisles like Julie Andrews in The Sound of Music. 

Just like a typical woman, she’s known to hold grudges, is very intelligent, and, some say, has the power of mind control. I wouldn’t want to be the one to unclog her shower drains though.

9 Pokemon Go characters every mom can identify with Nidorina

Despite her looks, Nidorina is what everyone thinks of when they think Mom, gentle and caring. She is a family lady and though this Pokémon prefers not to fight, she’s not afraid to get scrappy either.

Don’t underestimate the lengths a mom will go to when it comes to the safety of her kids. We will scratch your eyes out.

Somewhat of a “helicopter mom,” Nidorina has been known to chew food for her young and gets nervous when separated from her brood. We can see her at a busy playground frantically counting her kids.

9 Pokemon Go Characters Every Mom Can Identify With Slowpoke

Slowpoke is the mom brain of Pokémon. Empty eyes, a WTF did I come in this room for? expression. This is what moms are like 60% of the day, staring on blankly, not responding to half of the eight billion questions fired off at her because she’s looking for…for…what was I looking for again?

Slowpoke doesn’t even realize when it’s been hurt sometimes. It’s fine, it makes a great game the next morning, Toy, Elbow, or Counter?

9 Pokemon Go Characters Every Mom Can Identify With Persian

This is mommy during that time of the month. Or when you’ve insulted her. Distracted by her elegance, grace, and exquisite mind fuckery, people are stunned when the claws come out.

Persian is described as “fickle and temperamental.” Maybe she just wants some freaking chocolate and to be told she’s appreciated every once in a while, did you ever think about that? 

The poster child of “Feed me and tell me I’m pretty,” Persian is known to scratch just because she feels like it, honestly.

9 Pokemon Go Characters Every Mom Can Identify With Kangaskhan

Kangaskhan is Super Mom, and while you may not feel like it, we all have Super Mom moments. She may have some attachment issues since her baby stays in her pouch until three but, hey, I’m not judging. 

Nurturing, fierce, and completely selfless, this bad ass lady won’t stop fighting until her child is safe and even sleeps standing up so as not to hurt her baby.

Here’s your career woman or work-at-home bad ass. This chick’s got a passion and won’t let anyone in her way. Not only is she beautiful, she’s powerful too with a bark that makes people bow down before her.

Oh, and as if all that weren’t enough, Arcanine is a workout addict and she looks hot doing it, too. This Pokémon is brave, loyal, and even stashes food in her mane to bring to her babies. Work it, girl.

9 Pokemon Go Characters Every Mom Can Identify With Snorlax

Snorlax is all out of fucks to give. You need a special instrument just to wake her up but even once she is, you can’t expect much besides eating and minimal exercising. Snorlax is a starved mother whose meals are usually her kid’s partially chewed leftovers which she eats directly above the trash can.

Snorlax is so exhausted and done with everyone’s shit that she doesn’t even bat an eye when her kids use her body as a jungle gym.

This Pokemon will basically eat garbage and not get sick. She’s our hero. #Goals.

Source: Bulbapedia

Thursday, May 5, 2016

How To Get More Betterer At The Twitter

how to get more followers on twitter

Okay, I'm not Kim Kardashian, nor do I claim to be the Queen of Twitter. I have only actively been using Twitter for less than a year but in that time I've learned a lot so I thought I'd help those starting out or wanting more followers by passing on some tips.

Here it goes!

1) Hashtags Are Not Necessarily Your Friend

What!? My life is a lie!

I know what you're thinking because I thought it too. Hashtags are what get your tweets noticed, right? Well, yes and no.

If a person is searching Twitter for something specific, they can use the search bar and any tweets containing those words will show up. My first tweets, for a while actually, were tagged with #momlife #momproblems, etc. While this helped me find funny parent accounts and parent bloggers, it is my personal opinion that it makes your tweets less attractive to those wanting to retweet. To me, they spell out "newbie."


2) DO Use A Twitter Link

What am I talking about? You may or may not have seen these links in other people's bios. There is a handy link that brings up a search list of all your tweets. Think of this as a resume. Other users are curious to see what YOU have to say, so rather than risk them losing interest as they dig through your timeline that's full of retweets. Make your voice easily accessible.

When I tried Googling for this magical link, I came up empty handed so I'm going to do you a solid. Copy this link and replace YOURUSERNAME with, you guessed it, your user name, or everything after your "@":

Don't worry if you don't see the whole link when you go to paste it into your bio. It should work.

3) Put The @'s Down And Nobody Gets Hurt

An "@" is Twitter lingo for annoying. Totally kidding. Kind of. An "@" is when you reply to other people's tweets or go to their timeline and write to them. It's totally fine to do this every once in a while, but if you reply to every single tweet someone writes, you need to simmer.

Also, if I go to your timeline and see that it's filled solely with @'s to people, I probably won't follow. I want to know what you have to say, not read conversations between you and other people. Twitter people have jokes about "@'ers." Don't be an "@'er."


To confuse you even more, I am now going to encourage you to @ people. I know, so many acronyms, omg, wtf? But these are actually great opportunities to engage with people and show them your appreciation. Why do this? Because you're a mostly nice person hopefully, but you're also benefiting yourself because now these people may return the favor by visiting your timeline to follow, if they aren't already, and hopefully get your name out by retweeting you.

Don't expect that though. Do this out of the goodness of your heart because you truly like these people. Make a list of, say, 5 users that you admire and send your love out into the Twitterverse.


I was very shy to retweet (RT) other people in the beginning. Don't be! It is the biggest compliment to do so. A heart (or sometimes star...Twitter is always changing this) is nice, but people really want and appreciate RT's. This being said, only RT things that you genuinely think are funny and/or interest you. Basically, would you have tweeted this if you thought of it first, and/or do you support this?

Retweets are a reflection of yourself.

Retweeting increases your chances of being followed and retweeted because the people you retweet will likely check you out if they haven't already to return the favor. I know I do.

6) This Is Not Facebook

I repeat, this is NOT Facebook. I don't want to know what you did today or how yummy your coffee is. I want to laugh. Facebook is where you go to glorify your life, Twitter is where it's hilarious to over dramatize how shitty things are, that's why most of us love Twitter. Life is a shit show, let's have some laughs. We see enough filtered pictures and airbrushed lives on Facebook. Nnnnno! *smacks your hand*

7) Participate In Hashtag Games

Hashtags are okay if you're participating in a hashtag contest. This is where a hashtag game account gives a topic and you respond with your wittiest answer and include the topic's hashtag in your tweet. A ton of people participate in these contests because they're fun and will check out other people's responses and heart or retweet you if they like what you have to say. Maybe even give you a follow.

8) Make Friends

You'll run into people that interest you more than others. Visit their TL's frequently and retweet them, @ them something witty every once in a while, give 'em a shout-out as a cool person to follow. Maybe you'll become friends and they'll begin retweeting you and telling their friends to follow you. Put them on a list of your favorite people so it's easier to keep track of them.

I never thought it would be possible to find friends on Twitter but I've made quite a few and we talk more than I talk to some of my closest friends (I know, that's bad). Twitter people rock.

9) Be Consistent

Try to write tweets daily. I know that sounds like a lot (and it is, trust me, I find it challenging) but Twitter is fast-paced and people look forward to fresh content. Make a draft folder or keep notes on your phone whenever you think of something witty so you can have a reserve of tweets on days your mind is blank then just copy and paste.

10) Fucking Moist

I'm Mommy Cusses. I very obviously have an appreciation for swearing, but to be appealing to a wider audience, I tend to refrain from cursing. Same goes with being gross and porny. I over share, I tweet vulgar things, but most of my tweets just have to do with every day life. This is for the same reasons. Unless that's your target audience, of course, in which case let your freak flag fly.

11) Check Out My Blog Post!

"No!" is what most people think when you link to your blog posts on Twitter. It's harsh but it's the truth. Most people are on Twitter for quick comic relief, they don't have time to visit your blog. Does this mean never mention your blog posts? Absolutely not. But don't ONLY use Twitter to announce that you've published a new blog post.

Don't be monotone. Make a meme, post a funny picture, retweet, tweet some funny content. It's no fun visiting a timeline that is repetitive.

12) Kill The Crowd Fire

I loathe getting DM's after following someone and it's an automated message thanking me and welcoming me to check out your blog. Stop pressuring me! I know you have a blog, I saw the link in your bio.

Thank me some other way, LIKE BY RETWEETING ME or following me back if you like me. Your generic message is giving me hives. Big turn-off, personally.

Now I'm gonna learn ya on a few acronyms and Twitter lingo so you won't feel so damn clueless.

RT- Retweet
TC - Twitter Crush
FF - Follow Friday
MCM - Man Crush Monday
WCW - Woman Crush Wednesday
TL - Timeline (your profile)
CW- Coworker
4: - (or any number) Person is referring to their child by using their age rather than a name. Many people on Twitter favor anonymity.
Twittercide- When a user, especially one who has a large-ish following, deletes their account or no longer tweets.
Big Account - A Twitter user with a large following
Small Account - A newbie

 I hope this post helps you to be more confident and not feel as awkward and clueless as I was in the beginning. Now get out there and have some fun!

Tuesday, April 26, 2016

Hilariously Terrible Mother's Day Cards

Mother's Day is right around the corner and it can be tough to find a card that has all the right words in it. That's why I've taken it upon myself to create a series of hilariously terrible and extremely unconventional Mother's Day cards that hopefully say everything you wish you could and more. Feel free to share!

terrible mother's day cards

terrible mother's day cards

terrible mother's day cards

terrible mother's day cards

terrible mother's day cards

terrible mother's day cards

terrible mother's day cards

terrible mother's day cards

terrible mother's day cards

terrible mother's day cards

terrible mother's day cards

terrible mother's day cards

I hope you enjoyed these. Happy Mother's Day from this dysfunctional momma to hopefully some other dysfunctional moms. Which one was your favorite?

Wednesday, April 20, 2016

To The Mom I Wanted To Be

mommy cusses parenting and humor blog

We thought we had it all figured out, didn’t we? We added only the very best of everything to our baby registry, pinned healthy bento box lunch ideas to carefully curated Pinterest boards and poured over baby books. We listened to the horror stories of seasoned parents while smugly saying to ourselves Well, when I have a baby... (insert totally naive thing you will or won’t do). And then we did.

The first time I felt you slipping away was the second night at home with our son. I was a frazzled mix of frantic and tired all at once because he wouldn’t sleep. He just cried. Surely I’d already screwed up the first steps to that successful bedtime routine I memorized from the parenting magazine. “His days and nights are switched,” someone said and I’ve realized since then that I have to say goodbye to you. 

I can’t choose what type of mother to be because we don’t get to choose what kind of child we get.

I assembled you methodically from things I read and saw, people I admired. You were going to be pretty amazing. You were supposed to be our definition of the “perfect mom.” You’d be fun and energetic, hands-on and tough. You’d serve healthy foods, limit screen time, you wouldn’t let bad days get to you. You wouldn’t wear yoga pants or have a mom ass, you’d shower and exercise, and, and, and, you started to kill me.

You were getting too big, too demanding. The lesson plans and Pinterest activities were crowding my brain. I was drowning in your expectations (and not gracefully, either). I’d go to bed feeling like the worst mother ever but you didn’t let me off there, you continued to torture me even in my dreams.

Every perceived failure, every time my son didn’t take to something or didn’t hit a milestone. Every time he absolutely refused to even lick one of those goddamn broccoli tots some stranger online convinced me would taste just like potatoes you were there tapping your foot at me. Tsk tsk tsk. Every time I blindly picked my outfit out of clothes strewn across the floor or let the TV babysit my child so a meal could get cooked or a shower taken or a candy bar eaten without sharing you were there, haunting me.

We can’t control the people in our lives but we can control ourselves and I was losing to you. I found new things to add as I browsed the Internet and scrolled through my news feed. I put so much weight on you it’s no wonder you finally started to crack.

And it’s okay. I’m okay. I am enough without you. You, reading this, you are enough.

There’s a quote I recently read from the book She by Kobi Yamada (or at least that’s what Google told me) that said, “She took the leap and built her wings on the way down,” and I think that perfectly sums up motherhood. So I’m jumping ship before we crash and burn. I’ll find myself through the mistakes and the challenges because I have to, there’s no escape. Not even the bathroom. 

I guess this is a good time to say I’m taking half of all our Pinterest boards with me though. Sorry.

And don’t worry about the kid, okay? Turns out he’s pretty great regardless of what I wear as long as I just show up every day. Doing the best I can is what’s best for him. He may live solely on a diet of chicken nuggets and mac ‘n’ cheese but at least he’s not starving. 

I know you meant well, we were just clueless.

The Mom I turned out to be