Wednesday, January 18, 2017

How To Co-Sleep In 2,457 Easy Steps


How to co-sleep funny mom blog
The term co-sleeping is deceiving af. First, there’s the “co,” meaning jointly or mutually. What a crock of shit. There’s nothing jointly going on besides your kid’s jagged toenails taking turns slipping down your butt crack. Then there’s “sleeping.” Um, if by sleeping you mean 2-7 hours of internal screaming to an agonizing soundtrack of baby farts and your spouse’s snoring, then sure, some sleeping happens.

Whether you planned on co-sleeping or gave up the good fight just to gain another goddamn hour of shut-eye, there are some unspoken guidelines on how to do this thing properly.

Here’s how to co-sleep in 2,457 easy steps:

1. Visit the Grand Canyon

Listen, co-sleeping means you’ll get about a 3-inch mattress allowance at the very edge of your bed whether it’s a Twin or a California King. You’re going to need some practice. Drive up to the Grand Canyon and spoon the edge of a sketchy looking cliff for a night while the burro you rented donkey kicks you in the back.

2. Scream into your pillow

You might not feel like you have to, but trust me, you will. Better now than at 3 AM when you’re re-enacting the “never let go” scene from Titanic with your sanity.

3. Play blanket tug-of-war with a boa constrictor

Or a tornado, or a tornado made of boa constrictors. 80% of co-sleeping is struggling to keep a measly corner of your comforter to yourself while your child and/or spouse curls into themselves, taking the entire blanket with them into their spiral of selfishness. You will use said blanket corner wisely: 5 minutes covering one nipple, then your shoulder, your ass cheek, etc. You’ll fantasize about something horrific happening to you because at least then the first responders will give you one of those aluminum foil blanket things.

4. Get resourceful

Eventually, you will lose blanket tug-of-war and opt to peel the fitted sheet off the mattress and use that. Like the dirty bum that you are. Thanks a lot, fuckers.

5. Seventh Sense

You gain a sort of seventh sense when you co-sleep that lets you know when your child is in an awkward position, or jolts you awake the moment your spouse even thinks about moving. You then throw your arm across your kid and hold it there like a pitiful meat twig barricade. If your spouse gets too close, you whack ’em. Oh, and it feels glorious. That soundly sleeping asshole deserves it anyway.

6. Flood relief

There’s no way around it. At some point, you will wake up in a warm pool of someone else’s piss. But it’s okay, you probably got 30 minutes of sleep, so you’re golden. Like a pit crew for bedtime accidents, you change your still-slumbering child into dry, clean clothes, then lay down a couple of layers of towels which will be just damp and scratchy enough to ensure you don’t sleep for the rest of the night.

7. Poltergeist

Your kid is going to say some weird shit in their sleep and probably wake up in a sweaty panic because they dreamt about cutting your stomach with their dinosaur toy. After writing to the Vatican because you’re pretty sure your child was speaking in tongues, you’ll console them like a pro, answering questions for half an hour, like “How much blood does the human body have?” and “Do you think people get cold when they’re dead?” You’ll then spend the rest of the night staring at your child in wide-eyed dismay. Good luck getting any sleep. Not with Beelzebub incarnate occupying your bed.

8. Self-defense

I don’t know what kids dream about, but I’m pretty sure it’s similar to WWE’s SmackDown Live. You will be beaten to within an inch of your life, and, because you’re a mom, you’ll let it slide just so your child can get their recommended 13 hours of sleep.

9. Karma Sleep-tra

Kids transition through an awkward progression of sleep positions which force you to come up with your own counter sleep positions. Like a shitty game of bed Tetris where you lose no matter what. At least once you will opt to sleep at the foot of the bed where you will act as a foot warmer to your spouse’s feet, which is growing stalactites. #Blessed.

10 – 2,457. Concession Stand

Co-sleeping means around-the-clock concierge service for your child. You’ll have things like tissues, baby wipes, diapers, crackers, a meat and cheese platter, glow sticks, and a goddamn pony on the ready at your bedside. And that’s not even including the epic amount of shit you’ll amass whenever your child is sick. You will go on many red-eye trips to the kitchen for water and fulfill requests to “cuddle harder.” You’ll regulate the temperature at all hours of the night, making sure your tiny furnace stays warm, but not too warm, by adjusting the covers and blowing in their face when they get too hot.

Sunday, December 11, 2016

WTF Guide To The 2016 Pottery Barn Kids Holiday Catalog



WTF Guide To The Pottery Barn Kids 2016 Holiday Catalog by Mommy Cusses

If you haven’t read the 2016 Hater’s Guide to theWilliams-Sonoma Catalog, you’re missing out. After cackling over this year’s article, I wanted to write my own version for parents.

As parents, we run into some obnoxiously priced and unnecessary gear for kids. Before our children are even born, we get slammed with ridiculous lists of newborn “essentials.” For once in my life, I sought out a place that sold expensive kids products. That’s when I came across Pottery Barn Kids’ 2016 Holiday catalog for December. And while I do love me some Pottery Barn, some of the products I discovered in their 2016 December catalog were…well, you’ll see.

Here’s a little highlight reel of shit I won’t be buying from Pottery Barn Kids this year or ever. Probably. If anyone wants to gift me some of these, however, now that's another matter.

1. Super Hero City

Mommy Cusses Guide to PBK's 2016 Holiday Catalog

Super Hero City Playsets $299
Heroes set of 5 $24
Villains set of 5 $24
Let’s start this thing out with a bang, why don’t we? Or maybe a Ka-Pow right in your bank account’s nut sack. At least you can make more super heroes using discarded corks from all the wine you drink trying to escape the fact that you’re an uppity a-hole. Kids like action figures: a figure capable of actions via bendable limbs. 

Okay, in all honesty, this thing actually does look pretty cool. Onto the next item!
2. Tea Food 

Mommy Cusses Guide to PBK's 2016 Holiday Catalog

Tea Sandwich Set set of 4 $24
Macaroon Set set of 5 $24

Hand-felted, pinkies up, by sanctimommies taking a break from trolling parenting forums and hell-bent on all things Montessori, using hair from a unicorn’s teat. And don’t worry, they’re gluten-free.

3. Faux-Fur Rockin’ Gifts

Mommy Cusses Guide to PBK's 2016 Holiday Catalog


Faux-Fur and Sherpa Rockers $189/$149

Fancy the fanciful? Teach little Willa or Blake that animals exist merely for their amusement with these rockers. Methinks people are going a little overboard with their choice of animals for rockers. A cat? Have you ever tried to mount a cat? No, because that’s not even a thing. Cats are not whimsical, they’re assholes with retractable scythes. 

4. Only the Plushiest


Mommy Cusses Guide to PBK's 2016 Holiday Catalog

Mommy Cusses Guide to PBK's 2016 Holiday Catalog

Mommy Cusses Guide to PBK's 2016 Holiday Catalog

Faux-Fur Stockings $27.50 - $31.50
Faux-Fur Sleeping Bags $169
Faux-Fur Plush $29 - $99

Do you even faux-fur, bro? The big theme this year, apparently, is age-appropriate taxidermy. Gone are the days of teddy bears, what are we, Pilgrims? No, now it’s all about jumbo llamas that stare at you while you sleep. But for $100, good luck getting mom or dad to let you actually play with your plush. Not in this house, sister.

5. Gold Pendant Light

Mommy Cusses Guide to PBK's 2016 Holiday Catalog

Glass & Metal Cage Pendant $349

Show people that money is an object, and that that object is a giant fucking suspended orb of gold in your child’s room. FFS, what are you? A Sultan?

6. Bedtime Finery


Mommy Cusses Guide to PBK's 2016 Holiday Catalog

Mommy Cusses Guide to PBK's 2016 Holiday Catalog


Flannel Pajamas $46.50

No, they’re not actually called bedtime finery, but I wouldn’t be surprised if they were.
Here’s a fun little preview of what your kids won’t look like while wearing these claustrophobia-inducing, personalized pajama sets:

Mommy Cusses Guide to PBK's 2016 Holiday Catalog

Nope. Get ready to hear a whole lot of “I’m choking” and “This is too itchy!” and “Why do you hate us, Mommy? Why?”

7. Chair Backers

Mommy Cusses Guide to PBK's 2016 Holiday Catalog

Chair Backers $19.50 - $24

Oh, you just have naked, un-personalized chair backs? WELL FUCK YOU! Santa sobs over your uncoifed chairs. Do you really wish me a Merry Christmas? Because your bare-backed chairs say otherwise.

8. Santa Gnomes

Mommy Cusses Guide to PBK's 2016 Holiday Catalog

Santa Gnomes:
Skiing $59
Standing $29

At a Pottery Barn meeting somewhere, someone stood up and was like, “I think a good price for the mini mop on toothpick stilts is $59,” and everyone nodded their heads in jute-loving agreeance.

9. Metal Baking Set

Mommy Cusses Guide to PBK's 2016 Holiday Catalog

Metal Baking Set $24

A metal baking set. Because kids and metal objects with serrated edges sounds like oodles of fun. Go ahead and anticipate the $1,200 bill you’ll be getting from the ER after they have to surgically remove a bundt cake pan from Preston’s shoulder blade after little Adley assaulted him with it for pretending to eat her invisible lemon and rose water cake.

10. On-the-Go Stroller

Mommy Cusses Guide to PBK's 2016 Holiday Catalog

Convertible 3-in-1 $99

3-in-1? Oh, joyous day, that’s 3x the frequency of your child’s incessant begging this “on the go” stroller will cause since they’ll want to bring it everyfuckingwhere. Oh, but it will keep your child’s baby, who is not alive therefore rendering this feature useless, safe and secure. What a treasure.


11. Designer Dolls

Mommy Cusses Guide to PBK's 2016 Holiday Catalog

Designer Dolls $29 - $59
Monique Lhuillier Designer Dolls $69

What’s the difference between regular old designer dolls and motherhecking Monique Lhuillier designer dolls? Oh, about $10 - $40 dollhairs, that’s what. Get it? Puns are funny.

Can you tell the difference from this pic? No, the differences are silent. Just like the “H” in Lhuillier.

12. Silver Tea Set

Mommy Cusses Guide to PBK's 2016 Holiday Catalog

Silver Tea Set $59

Serve your kids their sense of entitlement on a literal silver platter. Polished with the tears of joy over how #Blessed you are.

13. Baby Blanket

Mommy Cusses Guide to PBK's 2016 Holiday Catalog

Baby Blankets $29.50 - $59.50

What do you mean your chamois aren’t luxe, organic, and/or faux-fur? You’ve got to be Sherpa-ing me. You know, when I think of a material I’ll likely be cleaning bodily fluids and curdled milk out of, I immediately think of faux-fur. I’ll take fabrics that are totally pretentious for infants for $60, Alex.

14. Velvet Advent Calendar

Mommy Cusses Guide to PBK's 2016 Holiday Catalog
Luxe Velvet Advent Calendar Special $99 $79

A personalized “Luxe” tartan-lined advent calendar. So you can center a special time in your day around bleeding money for gifts leading up to a day where you bled even more money for even more gifts. Everything about this advent calendar screams missionary sex with Holiday-themed thermal pajama tops on while Celine Dion plays in the background.

15. Monique Lhuillier

Mommy Cusses Guide to PBK's 2016 Holiday Catalog

Dollhouse $299
Round Tufted Ottoman $399

“Oh, I’ll just set this $300 doll mansion on top of this $400 ottoman." Tufted? You bet your ass it’s tufted. Just like my butthole at the thought of spending $700 on “ethereal” d├ęcor. 

16. AT-AT Bookcase


Mommy Cusses Guide to PBK's 2016 Holiday Catalog

AT-AT Walker Bookcase $1,599

No, those aren’t lasers, that’s just blood squirting out of my eyes over the price tag on this thing.
I’m sorry, but for $1,599, this AT-AT Walker Bookcase better walk. It better take me on rides through a galaxy far, far away, blasting shit, or at least something else besides sit there while my kids make wooden penis structures on the floor in front of it.

17. Dollhouses

Mommy Cusses Guide to PBK's 2016 Holiday Catalog

Mommy Cusses Guide to PBK's 2016 Holiday Catalog

Dollhouses:
Ellington $399
Ellington Townhouse $199
Greenwich $399
Westport $199
Farmington $99

“Colonial-styles.” Arm your kids with terms like “colonial-styles” so they can be the next shiplap-obsessed assholes destined for open-concept marital woes on House Hunters. Set up a bank account for your 6-year-old and dump your Roth IRA into it for the future HOA fees they’ll need to pay just to live in “Westport” or “Greenwich” with their son named Ellington because of course that's his name.



Thursday, December 8, 2016

Momified Parodies Of Your Favorite Christmas Songs

funny Christmas songs for parents and adults

It’s that time of the year again. The smell of gingerbread, cocoa, and peppermint is in the air and everyone’s getting into the Christmas spirit.

For parents, the holidays come with their very own set of challenges. Some got roped into the Elf on the Shelf shit show, some are trying to keep the ruse of Santa alive, Pinterest moms are making the rest of us feel inadequate with all their effing crafts and holiday decor.

Many of us have been teaching our children what the meaning of this holiday is all about through stories and carols. And while we’re trying to make childhoods magical, we’re low key losing our goddamned minds over the pressures that come with the Holiday Season: Christmas shopping, dealing with extended family, our kids insisting on clumping all the ornaments on a single tree branch. Somebody pass me the spiked egg nog, stat.

If you’re in need of some comic relief, I’ve got you covered with a couple momified parodies of some of your favorite X-mas songs.



I’M DREAMING OF MY PRE-BABY BODY

I'm dreaming of my pre-baby body
Like the perky ass I used to flaunt
Before stretchmarks that glisten and hair on my chin
And loose skin on my lower abdomen

I'm dreaming of my pre-baby body
With every single pound I gain
My husband dropped five pounds by not drinking soda
I gained three looking at chocolate in a magazine

I'm dreaming of my pre-baby body
Like the supple breasts I used to own
When my skin wasn’t wrinkly
And my thighs didn’t sound like thunder and lightning when they touch

I'm dreaming of my pre-baby body
With every single carb I eat
Timehop on Facebook defies me with slender selfies
But I can still wear workout clothing and no one will ever be the wiser




BABY, IT’S TIME FOR BED

I’m really not tired - Baby it's time for bed
I've got to go potty again - Baby cut that shit out
This episode of Caillou has been – Been a complete shitastrophy, now let me tuck you in
As fun to watch the fifth time in a row – I really hate that effing kid

I might have bad dreams – Please just go to sleep
My stuffed animals might get cold – I’m pretty sure that’s not even a thing
So really I'd better stay awake – Mommy’s about to lose her shit
Can I have some more water – No chance in hell, I’m not waking up at 3 to change your sheets

Does the moon have a heartbeat? – I really need a drink
Say, do worms have teeth? – No, because they don’t need them to feast on the souls of children who don’t sleep
I wish I knew how – Let’s play the “How Long Can You Keep Your Eyes Closed” now
To count to infinity – Why don’t you try while counting sheep

My favorite word is no, no, no – Before kids, this is the time I’d be heading out to go to the clubs
Can you read me another story? – Once upon a time, you weren’t even listening, so everyone in the book dies, The End
I’m really hungry – My sanity is wearing thin
Ah, but it's time for bed

My eyes feel heavy – Dear God, finally
Did I hear Daddy open some chips? – Dammit, what is this, amateur hour?
You’re the best mommy ever – Those words make everything worth it
I peed on the cat – It’s all right, she needed a bath

I have a huge project due tomorrow – Wine should drown my sorrows
I said I’d bring sugar-free cupcakes – I’m pretty sure that’s an oxy moron
I forgot my lovey downstairs – Of course you did
Ah, but it's time for bed
Oh, mommy, I’m not even tired


From my family to yours, we wish you a margarita. Or three.