Tuesday, May 1, 2018

5 Parents Who Are Even Worse Than You (Probably)

5 Parents Who Are Worse Than You funny mom blog Mommy Cusses
As a parent, you have one job. To have your child on a strict but fun daily schedule that nurtures their interests, has them waking up and going to bed at the appropriate hour some stranger on the internet decided was appropriate for their age, make nutritious, organic, sugar-free meals made with locally grown ingredients, brush their teeth, do age-appropriate chores, entertain them or fill their day with activities and extracurriculars like sports or robotics so they can learn teamwork and practical job skills for the future, monitor their screen time, encourage growth and independence, protect them without hovering, be a strong, sound role model who is a pillar of good behavior, kindness, and respect at all times, teach them to be polite but never a pushover, stay on top of their homework, never yell or lose your cool, discipline them in a well thought out way as approved by a panel of child psychologists so as not to traumatize them for life, and put down your phone so you can be present and available for them whenever they ask you to watch them sprint from one room to the next for the eleventeenth time. Super easy, right?

If parental guilt and society’s endless list of expectations of you as a parent has you pouring a bit o’ whiskey in with your morning coffee, this one’s for you, homie. 

Here are five of the worst parents in history to make you feel a little better about yourself. Here’s the twist: I give you a lowdown of their dirty deeds, but you won’t know who the culprit is until the end. Oooh, intrigue.

Tuesday, April 10, 2018

7 Uncommon Swear Words Applied to Motherhood

Shitpouch uncommon underused funny swear words from around the world applied to motherhood and parenting by Mommy Cusses

Swearing is my favorite. There’s just something about a good ol’ curse word that titillates my dysfunctional soul. The thing about swear words is that they can be used in a pinch as substitutes for almost any word and you can apply them to mean just about anything, regardless of their true meaning. They’re also great for conveying emotions other words just can’t do justice. As a connoisseur of anything sweary, I take expanding my swearcabulary very seriously. I’ve made it my mission to discover new and exciting curse words to share with you and apply them to parenting and motherhood. 
Here are seven of my new favorite underused swear words:

Wednesday, February 21, 2018

6 Pocket Horror Stories. Because I Can't Sleep, so Neither Should You

Mommy Cusses Pocket Horror Stories short horror stories

A few years ago, I came across a series of "two-sentence" horror stories like these ones on Bored Panda, and decided to write some of my own parent-themed "pocket" horror stories. As a severely sleep-deprived mom with nothing to do as I sat outside of my son's bedroom, trying to Jedi mind trick him into going the fuck to sleep, my cup ranneth over with bizarre thoughts. Now that I have another child who won't sleep, I've thought up a couple more. Because misery loves company, and if I can't sleep, then why should you?

Wednesday, February 14, 2018

8 Funny Valentine's Day Cards for Your Favorite Mom Friend

Funny Valentine's Day cards for moms and mom friends by Mommy Cusses

There's Valentine's Day, Singles Awareness Day, and even Galentines Day which sounds like some kinky orgy where you wear horse masks and flog each other while some creepo stands in the corner banging a cowbell. Moms always get the shaft. That's why I'm coining the day with an equally obnoxious term: Momentine's Day.

Many of us have been fortunate enough to make a mom friend or two who is equally as dysfunctional as ourselves. Someone who's been through the struggles and doesn't judge you when you go lock yourself in the bathroom and take a breather while your kid throws a tantrum. Someone who's down to come over and talk shit while refereeing the kids from the kitchen while you snack on your kids' leftover nugs. Someone who laughs at the same remarkably inappropriate things as you do.

Give the special mom friend in your life one of these funny Valentine's Day cards to let her know that not only does she do an impeccable job at cleaning up other people's shit, she is the shit.

Thursday, February 8, 2018

Sweary Mom Hacks

Sweary Mom Hacks and Parenting Tips funny mom blog post by Mommy Cusses

Do you enjoy a good mom hack? Introducing Sweary Mom Hacks. Parenting hacks and tips written in the same deliciously sweartastic style as Thug Kitchen recipes.

Friday, January 12, 2018

Stock Photography Is Bullshit

Mommy Cusses roasting stock photography
Contrary to common belief, stock photography was created by a team of pristine assholes for the sole purpose of making you feel like dick about yourself. Descendants of this group live on today as trolls in parenting forums, people who insist on putting toilet paper rolls on the wrong way, citizens who enjoy blocking entire aisles with their shopping cart, and slow drivers in the fast lane.

Because I’ve got my fuck all britches on today, I thought I’d make myself feel better in a healthy, constructive way – by making fun of this picture.

Thursday, December 14, 2017

How to (Not) Make a Gingerbread House

Mommy Cusses How to (Not) Make a Gingerbread House

It was the winter of 2015 that I was introduced to the extreme shitfest that is a gingerbread house kit. There I was, strolling the grocery store, having my ears assaulted by Mariah Carey’s “All I want for Christmas is You,” when I happened upon the supposed confectionary holiday magic in a box. I thought of my son and how his face would light up with a big, doofy smile. “Mommy, you’re the best! There is, and has never been another mother as great and perfect as you!” he would exclaim, in a British accent, because for some reason my brain decided to give him a British accent in this daydream. We would make childhood memories that my son would tell his children about someday. Oh, yeah, I was about to make it rain all kinds of holiday cheer up in this motherfucker. That was when I gently placed the nervous breakdown in a box inside of my shopping cart. What an asshole.

Much like everything else that has to do with parenting, the gingerbread kit came with some general instructions that wound up being a bunch of sugar-coated bullshit. But, hindsight is 20/20 (that is $20 I can never get back, and at least 20 WTF’s muttered under my breath).

What the instructions fail to mention, is that in order to erect the gingerbread house, you need to be an actual licensed general contractor. Then again, the instructions fail to mention a lot, so I’ve taken it upon myself to rewrite them entirely.