Thursday, March 9, 2017

How To Be The Perfect Mom




how to be the perfect mom

Hi, I'm Perfect Mom, nice to formally meet you. You actually know me quite well because I live inside your head. You've assembled me from women you see on TV, Pinterest, and your social media. I am the perceptions that you bully yourself with. I fill you with guilt and doubt and make you question if you do enough, if you are enough.
It just so happens I have some time to spare between my anal bleaching appointment and our weekly family fun night, so I thought I'd tell you a little bit about what it takes to be, well, perfect.

Wednesday, January 18, 2017

How To Co-Sleep In 2,457 Easy Steps


How to co-sleep funny mom blog
The term co-sleeping is deceiving af. First, there’s the “co,” meaning jointly or mutually. What a crock of shit. There’s nothing jointly going on besides your kid’s jagged toenails taking turns slipping down your butt crack. Then there’s “sleeping.” Um, if by sleeping you mean 2-7 hours of internal screaming to an agonizing soundtrack of baby farts and your spouse’s snoring, then sure, some sleeping happens.

Whether you planned on co-sleeping or gave up the good fight just to gain another goddamn hour of shut-eye, there are some unspoken guidelines on how to do this thing properly.

Here’s how to co-sleep in 2,457 easy steps:

Sunday, December 11, 2016

WTF Guide To The 2016 Pottery Barn Kids Holiday Catalog



WTF Guide To The Pottery Barn Kids 2016 Holiday Catalog by Mommy Cusses

If you haven’t read the 2016 Hater’s Guide to theWilliams-Sonoma Catalog, you’re missing out. After cackling over this year’s article, I wanted to write my own version for parents.

As parents, we run into some obnoxiously priced and unnecessary gear for kids. Before our children are even born, we get slammed with ridiculous lists of newborn “essentials.” For once in my life, I sought out a place that sold expensive kids products. That’s when I came across Pottery Barn Kids’ 2016 Holiday catalog for December. And while I do love me some Pottery Barn, some of the products I discovered in their 2016 December catalog were…well, you’ll see.

Here’s a little highlight reel of shit I won’t be buying from Pottery Barn Kids this year or ever. Probably. If anyone wants to gift me some of these, however, now that's another matter.


Thursday, December 8, 2016

Momified Parodies Of Your Favorite Christmas Songs

funny Christmas songs for parents and adults

It’s that time of the year again. The smell of gingerbread, cocoa, and peppermint is in the air and everyone’s getting into the Christmas spirit.

For parents, the holidays come with their very own set of challenges. Some got roped into the Elf on the Shelf shit show, some are trying to keep the ruse of Santa alive, Pinterest moms are making the rest of us feel inadequate with all their effing crafts and holiday decor.

Many of us have been teaching our children what the meaning of this holiday is all about through stories and carols. And while we’re trying to make childhoods magical, we’re low key losing our goddamned minds over the pressures that come with the Holiday Season: Christmas shopping, dealing with extended family, our kids insisting on clumping all the ornaments on a single tree branch. Somebody pass me the spiked egg nog, stat.

If you’re in need of some comic relief, I’ve got you covered with a couple momified parodies of some of your favorite X-mas songs.


Friday, December 2, 2016

A TOTALLY FREE & HONEST CHRISTMAS WISHLIST




Mommy Cusses what to get moms for christmas funny

The Holidays are here and spouses are scrambling to figure out what to get their significant others. It’s not like they wouldn’t be in this pickle if they’d just opened their motherfucking ears as we dropped hints throughout the year or anything, but I digress. 
 
Because I’m in a giving mood (no, no, zip your pants up, not that kind of giving. That’s your wish list, not mine), I’ve decided to compile a list of things you could give the woman who obliterated her body to give your offspring life. Totally nbd. But that’s not all, these items all have one thing in common; they won’t cost you a single penny.

Here are 9 totally free things you could give us moms:

Monday, November 21, 2016

"Why Do Moms?" Google Autocomplete

why do moms do what they do?



Google’s autocomplete feature is one that garners some handy and hilarious results. If you aren’t familiar with this feature, it’s where Google offers search suggestions based off whatever words you begin to type into the search bar. These suggestions are things that people have actually typed in, and they’re usually the more popular searches.

I decided to have a little fun with Google autocomplete with: Why do moms.

These were Google’s top search suggestions:
Why do moms get fat
Why do moms yell all the time
Why do moms kiss their babies
Why do moms hate their daughters
Why do moms yell

I’M NOT YELLING. YOU’RE YELLING!

Since these are questions that actual people have pondered enough to consult Google, I thought, who better to answer these seekers of knowledge than a mom? 

So, let’s get to it.

Monday, November 7, 2016

New Game Obsession: KinderPerfect

 First and foremost, guys, I've been working on a pretty big project which is why I have been neglecting this blog a bit. When I finally tell you what I've been up to, you'll be excited. I think. I hope.

But without further ado...

KinderPerfect Cards Against Humanity for parents

All work and no play makes mommy hide in a locked closet with chocolate.