Sunday, July 17, 2016

9 Pokemon Go Characters Every Mom Can Identify With

Mommy Cusses 9 Pokemon Go Characters Every Mom Can Identify With


They say curiosity killed the cat. By they, I mean all parents who are still sans Pokémon Go, free to waste a few moments mindlessly scrolling through their phones without a child snatching it out of their hands.

Recently, I have submitted to the wildly popular Pokémon Go craze and become one of the millions to download it.

As I delved deeper into the world of Pokémon, I realized that I identify with these monsters. They’re just creatures trying to live their lives while being chased around by children who are hell-bent on trapping them inside enclosed spaces.

I am never the same mom. My mood depends on situations, people, time of day, caffeine and alcohol levels, and also when I was fed last (and told I was pretty).

The following Pokémon have personality traits and behaviors I think all moms can relate to. Bear with me.

Kabutops
9 Pokemon Go Characters Every Mom Can Identify With Kabutops
wikia.com

This is how many of us start out in the morning. I mean, just look at it, completely dead inside. Kabutops can tuck itself into its shell to dodge questions from small, annoying children. It also uses its knife hands to kill things and drink their blood, which is also the minimum I would be willing to do to get my first cup of coffee. 

I wonder how dinner time goes down in a Kabutops house. Oh, you want dinner? Again? Yeah, no problem. Let me just violently chop up this broccoli with my scythes. I’m fine.

Gengar

wikia.com


Gengar sounds like something I’d shout after finishing my sixth cup of re-reheated java.
 
One of my favorite qualities about this guy is its ability to sap the warmth out of others. This Pokémon is also a master hider who slips into the shadows to escape.

What are you doing, Mommy?
Just pretending to be Gengar, sweetie. 

Ninetales
9 pokemon go characters every mom can identify with ninetales
wikia.com

This bitch is fabulous. This is what moms are like when someone else takes their kids for the day. Suddenly we have the energy to take our annual shower. We drive to Target and glide through the aisles like Julie Andrews in The Sound of Music. 

Just like a typical woman, she’s known to hold grudges, is very intelligent, and, some say, has the power of mind control. I wouldn’t want to be the one to unclog her shower drains though.

Nidorina
9 Pokemon Go characters every mom can identify with Nidorina
wikia.com

Despite her looks, Nidorina is what everyone thinks of when they think Mom, gentle and caring. She is a family lady and though this Pokémon prefers not to fight, she’s not afraid to get scrappy either.


Don’t underestimate the lengths a mom will go to when it comes to the safety of her kids. We will scratch your eyes out.

Somewhat of a “helicopter mom,” Nidorina has been known to chew food for her young and gets nervous when separated from her brood. We can see her at a busy playground frantically counting her kids.

Slowpoke
9 Pokemon Go Characters Every Mom Can Identify With Slowpoke
wikia.com

Slowpoke is the mom brain of Pokémon. Empty eyes, a WTF did I come in this room for? expression. This is what moms are like 60% of the day, staring on blankly, not responding to half of the eight billion questions fired off at her because she’s looking for…for…what was I looking for again?

Slowpoke doesn’t even realize when it’s been hurt sometimes. It’s fine, it makes a great game the next morning, Toy, Elbow, or Counter?

Persian
9 Pokemon Go Characters Every Mom Can Identify With Persian
wikia.com

This is mommy during that time of the month. Or when you’ve insulted her. Distracted by her elegance, grace, and exquisite mind fuckery, people are stunned when the claws come out.


Persian is described as “fickle and temperamental.” Maybe she just wants some freaking chocolate and to be told she’s appreciated every once in a while, did you ever think about that? 

The poster child of “Feed me and tell me I’m pretty,” Persian is known to scratch just because she feels like it, honestly.

Kangaskhan
9 Pokemon Go Characters Every Mom Can Identify With Kangaskhan
wikia.com

Kangaskhan is Super Mom, and while you may not feel like it, we all have Super Mom moments. She may have some attachment issues since her baby stays in her pouch until three but, hey, I’m not judging. 

Nurturing, fierce, and completely selfless, this bad ass lady won’t stop fighting until her child is safe and even sleeps standing up so as not to hurt her baby.

Arcanine
Here’s your career woman or work-at-home bad ass. This chick’s got a passion and won’t let anyone in her way. Not only is she beautiful, she’s powerful too with a bark that makes people bow down before her.

Oh, and as if all that weren’t enough, Arcanine is a workout addict and she looks hot doing it, too. This Pokémon is brave, loyal, and even stashes food in her mane to bring to her babies. Work it, girl.

Snorlax
9 Pokemon Go Characters Every Mom Can Identify With Snorlax
wikia.com

Snorlax is all out of fucks to give. You need a special instrument just to wake her up but even once she is, you can’t expect much besides eating and minimal exercising. Snorlax is a starved mother whose meals are usually her kid’s partially chewed leftovers which she eats directly above the trash can.

Snorlax is so exhausted and done with everyone’s shit that she doesn’t even bat an eye when her kids use her body as a jungle gym.

This Pokemon will basically eat garbage and not get sick. She’s our hero. #Goals.

  
Source: Bulbapedia

Thursday, May 5, 2016

How To Get More Betterer At The Twitter

how to get more followers on twitter

Okay, I'm not Kim Kardashian, nor do I claim to be the Queen of Twitter. I have only actively been using Twitter for less than a year but in that time I've learned a lot so I thought I'd help those starting out or wanting more followers by passing on some tips.

Here it goes!

1) Hashtags Are Not Necessarily Your Friend

What!? My life is a lie!

I know what you're thinking because I thought it too. Hashtags are what get your tweets noticed, right? Well, yes and no.

If a person is searching Twitter for something specific, they can use the search bar and any tweets containing those words will show up. My first tweets, for a while actually, were tagged with #momlife #momproblems, etc. While this helped me find funny parent accounts and parent bloggers, it is my personal opinion that it makes your tweets less attractive to those wanting to retweet. To me, they spell out "newbie."

 

2) DO Use A Twitter Link

What am I talking about? You may or may not have seen these links in other people's bios. There is a handy link that brings up a search list of all your tweets. Think of this as a resume. Other users are curious to see what YOU have to say, so rather than risk them losing interest as they dig through your timeline that's full of retweets. Make your voice easily accessible.

When I tried Googling for this magical link, I came up empty handed so I'm going to do you a solid. Copy this link and replace YOURUSERNAME with, you guessed it, your user name, or everything after your "@":

https://twitter.com/search?q=From%3AYOURUSERNAME

Don't worry if you don't see the whole link when you go to paste it into your bio. It should work.

3) Put The @'s Down And Nobody Gets Hurt

An "@" is Twitter lingo for annoying. Totally kidding. Kind of. An "@" is when you reply to other people's tweets or go to their timeline and write to them. It's totally fine to do this every once in a while, but if you reply to every single tweet someone writes, you need to simmer.

Also, if I go to your timeline and see that it's filled solely with @'s to people, I probably won't follow. I want to know what you have to say, not read conversations between you and other people. Twitter people have jokes about "@'ers." Don't be an "@'er."

4) MCM, WCW, FF

To confuse you even more, I am now going to encourage you to @ people. I know, so many acronyms, omg, wtf? But these are actually great opportunities to engage with people and show them your appreciation. Why do this? Because you're a mostly nice person hopefully, but you're also benefiting yourself because now these people may return the favor by visiting your timeline to follow, if they aren't already, and hopefully get your name out by retweeting you.

Don't expect that though. Do this out of the goodness of your heart because you truly like these people. Make a list of, say, 5 users that you admire and send your love out into the Twitterverse.

5) RETWEET!

I was very shy to retweet (RT) other people in the beginning. Don't be! It is the biggest compliment to do so. A heart (or sometimes star...Twitter is always changing this) is nice, but people really want and appreciate RT's. This being said, only RT things that you genuinely think are funny and/or interest you. Basically, would you have tweeted this if you thought of it first, and/or do you support this?

Retweets are a reflection of yourself.

Retweeting increases your chances of being followed and retweeted because the people you retweet will likely check you out if they haven't already to return the favor. I know I do.

6) This Is Not Facebook

I repeat, this is NOT Facebook. I don't want to know what you did today or how yummy your coffee is. I want to laugh. Facebook is where you go to glorify your life, Twitter is where it's hilarious to over dramatize how shitty things are, that's why most of us love Twitter. Life is a shit show, let's have some laughs. We see enough filtered pictures and airbrushed lives on Facebook. Nnnnno! *smacks your hand*

7) Participate In Hashtag Games

Hashtags are okay if you're participating in a hashtag contest. This is where a hashtag game account gives a topic and you respond with your wittiest answer and include the topic's hashtag in your tweet. A ton of people participate in these contests because they're fun and will check out other people's responses and heart or retweet you if they like what you have to say. Maybe even give you a follow.

8) Make Friends

You'll run into people that interest you more than others. Visit their TL's frequently and retweet them, @ them something witty every once in a while, give 'em a shout-out as a cool person to follow. Maybe you'll become friends and they'll begin retweeting you and telling their friends to follow you. Put them on a list of your favorite people so it's easier to keep track of them.

I never thought it would be possible to find friends on Twitter but I've made quite a few and we talk more than I talk to some of my closest friends (I know, that's bad). Twitter people rock.

9) Be Consistent

Try to write tweets daily. I know that sounds like a lot (and it is, trust me, I find it challenging) but Twitter is fast-paced and people look forward to fresh content. Make a draft folder or keep notes on your phone whenever you think of something witty so you can have a reserve of tweets on days your mind is blank then just copy and paste.

10) Fucking Moist

I'm Mommy Cusses. I very obviously have an appreciation for swearing, but to be appealing to a wider audience, I tend to refrain from cursing. Same goes with being gross and porny. I over share, I tweet vulgar things, but most of my tweets just have to do with every day life. This is for the same reasons. Unless that's your target audience, of course, in which case let your freak flag fly.

11) Check Out My Blog Post!

"No!" is what most people think when you link to your blog posts on Twitter. It's harsh but it's the truth. Most people are on Twitter for quick comic relief, they don't have time to visit your blog. Does this mean never mention your blog posts? Absolutely not. But don't ONLY use Twitter to announce that you've published a new blog post.

Don't be monotone. Make a meme, post a funny picture, retweet, tweet some funny content. It's no fun visiting a timeline that is repetitive.

12) Kill The Crowd Fire

I loathe getting DM's after following someone and it's an automated message thanking me and welcoming me to check out your blog. Stop pressuring me! I know you have a blog, I saw the link in your bio.

Thank me some other way, LIKE BY RETWEETING ME or following me back if you like me. Your generic message is giving me hives. Big turn-off, personally.

Now I'm gonna learn ya on a few acronyms and Twitter lingo so you won't feel so damn clueless.

RT- Retweet
TC - Twitter Crush
FF - Follow Friday
MCM - Man Crush Monday
WCW - Woman Crush Wednesday
TL - Timeline (your profile)
CW- Coworker
4: - (or any number) Person is referring to their child by using their age rather than a name. Many people on Twitter favor anonymity.
Twittercide- When a user, especially one who has a large-ish following, deletes their account or no longer tweets.
Big Account - A Twitter user with a large following
Small Account - A newbie

 I hope this post helps you to be more confident and not feel as awkward and clueless as I was in the beginning. Now get out there and have some fun!

Tuesday, April 26, 2016

Hilariously Terrible Mother's Day Cards

Mother's Day is right around the corner and it can be tough to find a card that has all the right words in it. That's why I've taken it upon myself to create a series of hilariously terrible and extremely unconventional Mother's Day cards that hopefully say everything you wish you could and more. Feel free to share!

terrible mother's day cards

terrible mother's day cards

terrible mother's day cards

terrible mother's day cards

terrible mother's day cards

terrible mother's day cards

terrible mother's day cards

terrible mother's day cards

terrible mother's day cards

terrible mother's day cards

terrible mother's day cards

terrible mother's day cards

I hope you enjoyed these. Happy Mother's Day from this dysfunctional momma to hopefully some other dysfunctional moms. Which one was your favorite?

Wednesday, April 20, 2016

To The Mom I Wanted To Be


mommy cusses parenting and humor blog

We thought we had it all figured out, didn’t we? We added only the very best of everything to our baby registry, pinned healthy bento box lunch ideas to carefully curated Pinterest boards and poured over baby books. We listened to the horror stories of seasoned parents while smugly saying to ourselves Well, when I have a baby... (insert totally naive thing you will or won’t do). And then we did.

The first time I felt you slipping away was the second night at home with our son. I was a frazzled mix of frantic and tired all at once because he wouldn’t sleep. He just cried. Surely I’d already screwed up the first steps to that successful bedtime routine I memorized from the parenting magazine. “His days and nights are switched,” someone said and I’ve realized since then that I have to say goodbye to you. 

I can’t choose what type of mother to be because we don’t get to choose what kind of child we get.

I assembled you methodically from things I read and saw, people I admired. You were going to be pretty amazing. You were supposed to be our definition of the “perfect mom.” You’d be fun and energetic, hands-on and tough. You’d serve healthy foods, limit screen time, you wouldn’t let bad days get to you. You wouldn’t wear yoga pants or have a mom ass, you’d shower and exercise, and, and, and, you started to kill me.

You were getting too big, too demanding. The lesson plans and Pinterest activities were crowding my brain. I was drowning in your expectations (and not gracefully, either). I’d go to bed feeling like the worst mother ever but you didn’t let me off there, you continued to torture me even in my dreams.

Every perceived failure, every time my son didn’t take to something or didn’t hit a milestone. Every time he absolutely refused to even lick one of those goddamn broccoli tots some stranger online convinced me would taste just like potatoes you were there tapping your foot at me. Tsk tsk tsk. Every time I blindly picked my outfit out of clothes strewn across the floor or let the TV babysit my child so a meal could get cooked or a shower taken or a candy bar eaten without sharing you were there, haunting me.

We can’t control the people in our lives but we can control ourselves and I was losing to you. I found new things to add as I browsed the Internet and scrolled through my news feed. I put so much weight on you it’s no wonder you finally started to crack.

And it’s okay. I’m okay. I am enough without you. You, reading this, you are enough.

There’s a quote I recently read from the book She by Kobi Yamada (or at least that’s what Google told me) that said, “She took the leap and built her wings on the way down,” and I think that perfectly sums up motherhood. So I’m jumping ship before we crash and burn. I’ll find myself through the mistakes and the challenges because I have to, there’s no escape. Not even the bathroom. 

I guess this is a good time to say I’m taking half of all our Pinterest boards with me though. Sorry.

And don’t worry about the kid, okay? Turns out he’s pretty great regardless of what I wear as long as I just show up every day. Doing the best I can is what’s best for him. He may live solely on a diet of chicken nuggets and mac ‘n’ cheese but at least he’s not starving. 

I know you meant well, we were just clueless.

Love,
The Mom I turned out to be

Wednesday, April 6, 2016

How To Make A Murdered Meal



You're pumped! You found a promising recipe on Pinterest that received rave reviews and you're ready to treat your family's taste buds to a culinary masterpiece. Then about halfway through you realize this entire endeavor is a catastrophic mistake.

You're murdering this meal and not in the good way. File this one under Fail.

Ingredients
Nothing you have in your pantry and something you can't pronounce that needs to be special ordered from an oracle in Nigeria.

Prep time
Hahahahaha!

Directions
1. Pick some nice, long, thick zucchinis from your stupid garden or preferably, a crowded grocery store while making barely audible sex noises.

2. Gather all your ingredients together, discover you forgot to buy the $10 spice you've never heard of until reading this recipe and shrug. How important are spices even?

3. Have a virgin milk a grass-fed cow raised in the Himalaya's and make your own cottage cheese. If you can't, because you're a bastard, store-bought is fine. *Aggressively side-eyes you*

4. Circumcise your zuchinis.

5. Tediously salt, wait, and blot your zucchini slices with a paper towel while earning the Native-American name Sighs-A-Lot.

6. Guess a number between 300 and 400 and preheat your oven to that many degrees.

7. While the oven is preheating, take the block of ground beef ice you forgot to defrost out of the freezer and begin browning it in a large pan. 

7 1/2. Take a brief moment to appreciate this meme:
8. Once oven is preheated, place the sheet of filet-of-phallic-veg in oven and bake just long enough to dry them out a bit. Watch closely.

9. Get sidetracked by that funny Buzzfeed post. Open the oven when you smell burning.

10. Pick the zucchini foreskins off of the baking sheet.

11. Empty out random cans and jars with pictures of tomatoes on them into your cow crumbles.

12. Find a small trash bin and begin layering mangled pieces of zucchini, meat charcoal tomato slop, cheese, and cottage cheese. Toss in your hopes and dreams too while you're at it.

13. Bake for one of your child's run-on-sentence stories minutes long.

14. Remove.

15. Cry. A lot.

 For more food-related hilarity, check out some recipes from my Gangster Kitchen section to see how Vanilla Ice or the Ying Yang Twins would cook.

Thursday, March 24, 2016

How To Be The Perfect Mom




how to be the perfect mom

Hi, I'm Perfect Mom, nice to formally meet you. You actually know me quite well because I live inside your head. You've assembled me from women you see on TV, Pinterest, and your social media. I am the perceptions that you bully yourself with. I fill you with guilt and doubt and make you question if you do enough, if you are enough.
It just so happens I have some time to spare between my anal bleaching appointment and our weekly family fun night so I thought I'd tell you a little bit about what it takes to be, well, perfect.
First thing's first. You can't be perfect without letting everyone know about it so make sure you have the latest, trendiest smartphone and every single social media platform.
Next, you're going to need to ramp up your selfie game. I know what you're thinking, what does this have to do with being the perfect mom? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Extra points if you are touching your hair for no apparent reason.
Okay, so you know those totally normal things other parents do like allow their kids to play with electronics, eat sweets and fast food? Yeah, you don't do that. Not only don't you eat fast food, you eat organic, non GMO, free range, and locally grown only. If you don't pluck your herbs, fruits, and veggies from your very own garden you're basically a monster.
Being perfect means you own the very best of everything. If your diaper bag (which is literally meant to store shit while you're on the go) isn't designer, what are you even doing with your life?
Take a giant dump all over your friends and the world's child population by declaring your child THE cutest, smartest, or just best in general. EVER.
Stay on top of all household chores and errands and keep a home that is always ready for a Better Homes and Gardens cover shoot.
Snap flawless pictures of you and your smiling, laughing children often to give the impression that bad days aren't normal and definitely don't happen to you. Isn't life grand?
Wear hats and scarves and accessories that are completely unnecessary all the time. Yoga pants and being frumpy are for lazy slobs.
Fill every moment of your day with some sort of craft, project, or family outing. TV, cuddles, down time, and allowing the children to entertain themselves is lazy parenting.
Talk about how easy everything comes to you and yours. Don't worry about friends or family with kids who have difficulties or struggle to hit milestones.
Post pictures of every single meal you cook because you're never tired, order out, or just don't effing feel like it.
Rave about how easily all your pregnancy weight came off after a mere two weeks. You just snapped back and can wear the same jeans you did in High School.
Flirt with your significant other online and hint at your amazing sex life. You just can't believe how incessantly happy you are. After all, you couldn't express all that love through a simple text message.
And really, that's all there is to it! As long as you're deliriously happy all the time, fit, well-dressed, trendy, hands on, energetic, a bombshell, and obnoxious, you're golden.
In the history of time a perfect mom has never existed. There has, however, been the perception of the perfect mom. We see her on TV, in magazines, on Pinterest, and in our Facebook feed. We each assemble our version of Perfect Mom in our heads from snippets of things we read and see and hear and then bully ourselves when we don't meet her standards.
I don't know about you, but I'm exhausted just thinking about having to do/be all the things we've been brainwashed into thinking perfection is. I'm perfectly happy being beautifully flawed and winging motherhood one chaotic moment to the next. Here's to being just okayish.

Sunday, January 31, 2016

Mom Funnies

I saw this collection of tactical hand signals last year and someone had changed the meaning of said signals and I laughed way harder than I should have. So I got to thinking, what if I altered the meaning of these hand signals to things that would make sense for parents. So I did.

funny tactical hand signals for parents
funny parenting memes