Wednesday, December 30, 2015

How To Do Laundry In 11 (Not So)Easy Steps

Laundry, ugh, I break out in hives just thinking about the epic shit storm that this chore consists of.

But we mustn't look like a bunch of hobos so laundry is a necessary evil. Unless you're a husband. Then, you just drop socks and underwear all over the effing place and they magically appear all clean and folded in your drawer.

So how does one do the laundry? It's a very complicated 11-ish step process, at least in my homestead. Gather 'round, folks, and witness the lazy housewife's plight:

funny how to do laundry
This is an example of what I don't look like on laundry day

Wednesday, December 23, 2015

Home Alone 2: How Much Did The McCallister's Christmas Vacation Cost?

"Someone actually figured out how much the Christmas vacation/s on Home Alone 2 cost? They need to get a life!" Ah, I love the smell of being judged. But you know what? Yes I did.  You're welcome. And don't try to act like you're not the least bit curious.

Friday, December 4, 2015

Mommy Raps

I've written a lot of stuff as a Freelancer, but one of my favorites by far was re-writing rap songs into "proper English" on a site called Rap Translator. Ah yes, I'm just adding to my wholesome image, aren't I? Anywho, I decided to call upon my impeccable rap translating skills only this time I decided to Mommify the famous rap song Gin and Juice by one of my favorites, Snoop Dogg. Enjoy!

I can't explain why it feels so good to be a gangster meme

[Mom trying to pee in peace]
Mom, mooooom, mommy!
Seriously, get your fingers out from under the door
Hey, baby, hey,, go get some animal crackers
Calm down, calm down child
With so much drama in this H-O-U-S-E
It's kinda hard being M-O- double M...Y (wait, that doesn't rhyme)
But I, somehow, some way
Keep coming up with fun activities every single day
May I (why, yes, you may!), cook a little something for the kids (yeah)
and, run a few errands as (yeah!) I cruise, through town
Three in the afternoon and cartoons are still on
'cause my spouse ain't home
I got a kid in the living room throwing a tantrum
and, he ain't going to bed until eight at night (eight at night)
So what you wanna do, shooooot
I got a sink full of dishes and my dishwasher is full
So turn off the lights and close the doors
"But...." (what's wrong?) , "You didn't put my night light on." Oh yeah!
Now I'm gonna have a Netflix marathon
Feet up, Frozen off, while you kiddos snooze

Sitting on the couch, watching TV, sippin' on boxed wine
Laid back (with my mind on Real Housewives and Real Housewives on my mind)

Now that I baked me some chocolate cake
Everybody's got their plastic forks but they haven't chipped in
Now this type of stuff happens all the time
You get yours all the time, but son, I need to get my sugar high
Everything is fine when you're listening to "Let it go"
As I take my Starbucks drink to the middle of the lawn
and get to talking to a new neighbor named Brittany (Or was it Nicole?)
She used to date my best friend's husband (Uh oh)
Eighty degrees, when I say "Bye Felisha"
Get your hands up off my home made muffins, 'cause you can't have any of these
Girl please, as I chat with idk my BFF Jill, feel the breeze
Fake beach (sand), I'm just

Sitting on the couch, watching TV, sippin' on boxed wine
Laid back (with my mind on Real Housewives and Real Housewives on my mind)

Later on that day
My friend came over for a play date
And her new babay, diaper full of poo and spit up on my shoes
Dude, that's no joke
I had to back away and put the child down
Formula and...peas?  Yeah, I feel sick now
But there's no stopping, I'm still going
My friend brought some froyo from the neighborhood Target
After I eat I'm changing into my yoga pants and taking a nap
Don't get upset girl, you know that's just how it goes
I love you but you gotta go
Because I need to be

Sitting on the couch, watching TV, sippin' on boxed wine
Laid back (with my mind on Real Housewives and Real Housewives on my mind)

Now wasn't that spiffy? What rap songs do you wanna hear me Mommify, yo?

Tuesday, December 1, 2015

Facebook Emojis I Wish Existed

"If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all." I know, I know. But emojis were created so that we can say things without teeechnically saying things. Still, sometimes you see posts on social media that you just don't know how to respond to or deserve something besides a thumbs up.

Well, gather 'round, boys and girls *slams fist on table* because as usual, I have put something amazingly useless together for your entertainment: Facebook Emojis I Wish Existed.

Friday, November 6, 2015

No Sleep Mommy: A Children's Book Parody

I'm at it again with the children's book parodies because they're pretty rad. It's a spontaneous writing adventure and you never know what you're going to end up with. This time I'm doing a parody of the classic children's book Goodnight Moon, written by Margaret Wise Brown. Only this one is titled No Sleep Mommy.

Goodnight Moon funny children's book parody No Sleep Mommy

Saturday, October 24, 2015

What To Put On Your Mom Resume

After many years working in various Customer Service positions, I decided to hang in the towel temporarily to be a Stay-At-Home Mom. As my child gets older and prepares for Kindergarten, I have been thinking about rejoining the work force and how I'm going to explain that huge gap in my resume. This got me thinking. What would a mother's resume look like? And then hilarity ensued.

Thursday, October 22, 2015

If Moms Were Given Medals

I had the privilege to be raised a "Navy brat" by the most badass old-school sailor ever and I can remember admiring all of the ribbons on my dad's uniform.

Besides having immense pride for our military, my father also instilled in me a great sense of humor and my most favoritest feature, the exquisite ability to cuss like a sailor.

After finally winning the nightly War On Bedtime with my tiny terror, I began to wonder, what types of awards would mothers get?

By no means am I comparing mothers to soldiers. I mean, we have it rough sometimes but c'mon now.

Take a look below, see which ribbons you would be awarded, print them out if you wish and tape them onto your shirt (not that I did that...shit, one of them is stuck to the cat...). Happy laughing, ladies ;)

Tuesday, October 20, 2015

DIY Halloween Garland

When my search for cute Halloween decor started this year, I fell in love with the Halloween garlands I saw in this picture from Wants and Wishes Design

DIY Halloween Garland

The tissue paper pom pom garland especially struck my fancy but I wanted to use some of my craft paper instead of tissue paper to add a little wow factor.

While working with tissue paper is a lot easier, I was successful in creating a beautiful DIY Halloween Tassel/Pom Pom Garland and I'm gonna show you how.

DIY Paper Tassel Halloween Garland
Ain't it purdy?

What You'll Need
  • Craft Paper (I used orange and about three different black and white patterns)
  • Hot glue, regular glue, or tape
  • Scissors
  • Craft string, twine, or yarn
  • Wooden skewer
  • Ruler (although I got away with just eyeing mine)

1. First, you're going to need to figure out how long you want your tassels or pom poms to be. Double the length of your desired tassel, and add about a half inch-inch to that. I wanted my tassels to be cute and small, so I decided on 3 inches and doubled that to about 6 inches.

2. Cut your craft paper the appropriate length using the calculations you did in step one. The width doesn't really matter, in my opinion, the longer, the better because it ends up being less cutting (sorta, you're gonna be doing a looootta cutting).

3. Fold the strip of paper you just cut in half and begin cutting tiny vertical strips in it, leaving about a half-inch of paper below the fold.

DIY Paper Tassel Hallowen garland tutorial

4. Now, you can cut your strips the desired width you'd like. I had to mess around with this quite a bit until I found my desired width. In the beginning I made them far too wide and since we're working with craft paper instead of tissue paper, the thickness can make it difficult to work with so for my garland, I ended up really liking 2-2 1/2 inches wide.

5. Now, unfold your paper and grab your wooden skewer because you're going to use it to roll the paper up. Starting at one side of the paper, fold the edge slightly over the skewer and begin to roll.

DIY paper tassel Halloween garland tutorial

6. When you're finished rolling, pull the skewer out and pinch the middle of the paper tube you just made and then fold the entire thing in half.

DIY paper tassel Halloween garland tutorial

7. Now, you can either continue to do this and make a giant stack of  tassels before attaching them to the string, or you can attach one by one, which is what I did just because I like to make things difficult and I didn't know how many of these babies would get me to my desired garland length. I ended up being able to cover 46 inches of wall space with my garland with just the right amount of slack and have a total of 28 tassels on my garland with an inch in-between each one.

To attach the tassels to the string, you have a choice. I've seen a few different tutorials on how to make these types of garlands and have seen people use hot glue and tape. If I could do this all over again, I would make a pile of pom poms and attach them all at once with hot glue but for the one in this tutorial, I just used clear Elmer's glue. Due to the thickness of the craft paper, this was a bit of a pain in the butt so save yourself the trouble and use tape or hot glue. Simply put a dab of glue where the fold is in each tassel, fold the tassel over the string and pinch until the glue dries.

8. Continue to attach tassels to your string until you get your desired length.

And that's it guys! Yay, you have an adorable Halloween garland!

DIY Halloween Garland

I hope you liked this tutorial, please like, share, and comment below!

Sunday, October 18, 2015

15 Reasons Why Dishes Are The Devil

Do you hate washing dishes and need a reason to procrastinate because you have a sink full of those fuckers right now? Then I've got just the thing for you (I always got your back, boo!).

Okay, I have a dishwasher so I know I shouldn't complain but I'm still convinced that washing dishes is a chore created by the devil.

old advertisement woman doing dirty dishes

Why I hate doing dishes:

1. The smell inside of the dishwasher pre-wash. It stings the nostrils. It reeks of rotting food ghosts.

2. There is always one more cup or spoon. ALWAYS. Aaaalwaaaays.

3. A sink full of dirty dishes instantly makes you look like a hoarder. And it's not something you can easily hide or clean up. Did some unexpected guests just show up? Yeah, you're screwed.

4. It's a bottomless pit and it fills up for no reason! Have to knit a sweater? Somehow you'll end up putting a million dirty cups in the sink.

5. Loading the dishwasher is like Tetris from hell and you'll want to strangle someone if they do it wrong or just differently than you would have.

6. I get physically violent when I can't close the dishwasher or pull out a rack. I have actually gone mental on my dishwasher, an inanimate object, because a cookie sheet kept getting stuck and preventing me from pulling out the dish rack.

slamming door gif how I feel when loading the dishwasher

7. People coming up from behind and throwing dirty dishes in the sink as you're washing. First off, I'm in the dishwashing zone so the loud pang of objects being thrown in the sink scares the shit out of me. Who are you? The Dirty Dish Ninja? Secondly, please sir, may I have another? Are you going to at least rub my ass a little after that spanking?

8. Smell my fingers. After I touch something that's been sitting in the dishwasher, what did you think I meant!?

9. A sink full of dirty dishes is just a nagging reminder that you have cleaning to do.

10. The motherfucking garbage disposal.

11. I'll just let this soak. *Still sitting in the second sink area a week later*

12. Getting gross foodstuffs under your fingernails and then vomiting all over yourself.

13. Splashing water all over your shirt. FML.

14. Someone will call you. Oh yeah, right when your hands are all good and soapy and you're finally making progress with that dried-on spaghetti stain? Someone will decide to call you.
"Are you...mad or something?"
"No mom, I just...I'm doing the dishes."
"Are you sure? It sounds like something is wrong..."

And that's the story of how I decided to start seeing a Therapist.

15. Doing the dishes is a gateway chore. These counters sure are dirty. Now there's crumbs and water on the floor, better sweep and mop. I swept some crumbs onto the carpet, better vacuum. *2 hours later organizing your files* How did this even happen?
Dishes, my friend. Dishes are bitches.


Friday, October 16, 2015

National Be Nice To A Fellow Mom Day

 end the mom wars national be nice to a fellow mom day

Raise your hand if you've ever felt judged by another mom.

When I got pregnant with my son, I knew what I was signing up for (kinda). What I didn't know was that becoming a mother gave other moms (hell, gave everyone, parent or not) full license to judge.

Recent generations not only have to stand being judged in the real world, but online, too. The internet has given people a virtual soap box to express their opinions.

As if moms don't have enough to worry about, we face side-eyes and hushed conversations and pictures of perfect moms with tidy children and articles about how we're not doing things right.

Having a child is one of the best things that can happen to a person, but at times it can be lonely.

I saw this meme the other day and realized we need more compassion and less alienation.

when I see another mom with a screaming toddler in public meme

I have a feeling there are a lot of moms out there who want to connect and be understood, even if that means a genuine smile at the mom in the grocery store with a tantrum-throwing tot.

That's why I want moms everywhere to band together and stop the mom wars for just one day. 

Let's create a holiday where we say and/or do something nice for fellow moms or simply acknowledge each other in a way that is kind. A break from feeling not good enough and maybe making a new friend sounds horrible, right?

Let's make National Be Nice To A Fellow Mom Day a thing. Call your mom friends out on being awesome. Sprinkle happiness around like glitter.

I'm challenging moms everywhere to give and receive a little bit of love because we deserve a freaking break and if anyone can understand that, it's other mommas.

Image Source: NYTimes

Thursday, October 15, 2015

Mommy Cusses Daily LOLZ

funny husband and wife meme washing dishes

Just here to give you your daily LOLZ. Caption is from my own lady brain. 
Image from: Huffington Post 

Alexis And The Terrible, Horrible, Can't Even, WTF Day: A Children's Book Parody

I've been wanting to write a children's book parody for quite some time now and as I was reading this book to my child, I thought, I could totally do a mom version of this. So I did. And, like life, it started out fun and funny and then ended up pretty depressing actually. My next project is going to be coming up with illustrations for these and then sell it for millions (yeah, right, well, I am going to make illustrations). I hope you get a good laugh out of this. Enjoy!

alexander and the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day book parody

I went to sleep without wearing a pad and now there's blood on the sheets and when I got out of bed this morning I stepped on a soggy pee diaper and by mistake I squirted breast milk in the baby's face and all over my work shirt and I could tell it was going to be a terrible, horrible, can't even, WTF day.

At Starbucks, Samantha got an extra shot for free and the foam on Tracy's cappuccino had a heart made out of cinnamon but in my coffee they put regular milk instead of soy.

I think I'll go to the bar.

On the drive to work I got cut off, the semi truck wouldn't let me merge and the lady in front of me in the fast lane going 50 in a 70 wouldn't move. I put my hands up in the air and screamed, "What the fuck!?" as I passed her but she was busy texting.

I could tell it was going to be a terrible, horrible, can't even, WTF day.

At work Mr. Radcliffe liked Greg's pitch better than mine. In the break room he said the coffee I made tasted like shit. When he looked over my reports he said there was $50 worth of expenses unaccounted for. Who cares about $50?  I could tell it was going to be a terrible, horrible, can't even, WTF day.

I could tell because on break, Lindsey texted to say I wasn't going to be one of her bridesmaids anymore.  She said that Jenny told her what I'd said about her when we went out and that I was a sloppy drunk.

Go eat a bag of dicks, I told Lindsey.  I hope you gain fifteen pounds before your wedding.  I only wanted to go because of the open bar.

There were two bagels left in the break room but now they were gone and Haley's husband brought her lunch and fucking Greg got to go eat sushi with Mr. Radcliffe to celebrate his promotion when I thought I was going to get it.

It was a terrible, horrible, can't even, WTF day.

That's what it was, because after work my co-worker talked me into getting pedicures and Kim Cho burned my vagina when I decided to get a Brazilian.  The skin will heal nec week, don' fo git to tip, said Cho.

Nec week, I said, I'm going to the bar. And I'll be paying the tab with my company card again.

On the way to the parking lot, I saw a ticket on my windshield and while I turned to say goodbye to my coworker I saw Lindsey running towards me and I punched her in the throat and then when I was bolting from the Police they tazed me and...

...while I was resisting arrest, Lindsey wouldn't stop running her bitch mouth and my ex fiance walked by and shook his head.

I am having a terrible, horrible, can't even, WTF day, I shouted at the crowd forming. They just recorded me with their phones.

So then we went to the jail.  Lindsey got a restraining order against me.  The crowd got viral YouTube material. I got one phone call.

When my husband came to bail me out he said he couldn't believe he was doing this again and asked what I spent $300 on at Michael's, I told him I forgot.  He also said to watch out for the important paperwork in his car when I got in, and I did but my coffee didn't.  He also said don't check-in at the jail on Facebook but I thought it was funny.  My husband said please don't make him bail me out anymore.

It was a terrible, horrible, can't even, WTF day.  I'm sure someday we'll all look back and laugh.

There was a pube in my Chinese food.

There was nothing good on Netflix so I couldn't chill.

There was a turd in the bathtub, I cut myself shaving, my wedding ring went down the drain, and I had to wear my period panties.  I hate my disgusting period panties.

When I went to bed my toddler was hogging my side and my husband was snoring and there was no blanket left for me so I had to cover up with the fitted sheet.

The dog kept farting in my general direction.

It has been a terrible, horrible, can't even, WTF day.

My therapist says it's because of my childhood.

And I still want to go to the bar.

Saturday, October 10, 2015

The Many Uses Of Wine

While drinking wine is magical, there are many other uses for wine that you may not have thought of.

Brushing Your Teeth

Because it's alcohol and alcohol kills bacteria. Even dentists back this. Wanna make sure those tiny bacteria fuckers are gone? Gargle a couple glasses of the good stuff.


You ran out of deoderant? Well, good thing your wine game is strong. Rub some all over your stanky self.
"But why wouldn't you just take a shower?"
Umm, how about you don't judge my life, mkay?

Faking Crime Scenes

C'mon. We've all seen Gone Girl.

Warding Off Unwanted Visitors

Don't feel like company? Scare people off your property by dribbling blood red wine out of your mouth.

Flame Spitting

Ever wanted to spit flames? Me too! Grab your favorite wine and a flamethrower and get ready to make fireeeeee!

Did you just touch something grody and don't have soap, water, or sanitizer? Just wash your hands in 
wine. You are cleansed!


No, no, no. Not for douching with. Feed this to a douche to make them less douchey.

Does your house smell of funk? Well make it smell like an alcoholic's house also by placing glasses of wine everywhere.

Indeed, this makes an excellent marinade. Drink a glass and let it marinade your soul for an hour or so. You'll feel amazing!

Fruit Fly Trap:
*sigh*  All the fruit flies I've drunk.

Pain Reliever

To use: 21 Years & Up - Drink 8 oz. of wine. Repeat as needed.

Truth Serum

Need to know how someone really feels? Warning, skeletons from closets are thrown out at high velocities.

Vitamin Awesome

Because antioxidants.

Looking Glass:
Stare deep into this liquid and think about what you've done, gypsy.

Friday, October 9, 2015

Mysterious Childhood Ailments

Throughout my career as a mother, I have witnessed and heard tales of certain common yet mysterious childhood ailments. I have taken it upon myself to catalog these ailments in hopes for a cure.

funny and mysterious childhood ailments

The Unquenchable Bedtime Thirst - this phenomenon has been noted by parents all over the world, where children inexplicably become parched after being tucked in.

mysterious childhood ailments unquenchable bedtime thirst
Buttwiping Amnesia - They know how to do it. You know they know but for unknown reasons, and at random times, the piercing whine emits from the bathroom. "Wipe my buuuutt." When prodded about why they can't do it themselves, they claim to have forgotten or not know how.

mysterious childhood ailments buttwiping amnesia
Hand Tourettes - This affliction only presents itself when full cups of liquid are nearby. Everything appears normal, but suddenly, the child's hand loses all control and before you realize what's happening, drink has been spilled everywhere. 

mysterious childhood ailments hand tourettesChocolate Succubus - Any mention of foods other than chocolate will be met with looks of disgust and the child will report not being hungry, however, once chocolate is presented, the child becomes ravenous, caring not for appearance whilst smearing the brown all over their faces and clothes.

mysterious childhood ailments chocolate succubus
Inconvenient Bladder Syndrome - Even if the child has emptied their bladder before leaving, moments after you arrive at an event or for groceries, the child will need to urinate. If no restrooms are available, the child's urgency will almost always be tenfold.

mysterious childhood ailments inconvenient bladder syndrome

Friday, October 2, 2015

The Skeleton In The Closet Day 2

Skeleton In The Closet

the skeleton in the closet day two skeleton in the closet ideas

Looks like Khaos, our skeleton, decided to go swimmin' with the fishes last night but not just any fish. Keep visiting Mommy Cusses for more Skeleton In The Closet ideas and fun!

Thursday, October 1, 2015

The Skeleton In The Closet

It's October 1st which means it's time for The Skeleton In The Closet!

the skeleton in the closet a halloween tradition

I have been Halloween obsessed for forever. I was the creepy little girl hammering scrap wood together to make crosses for the lawn. Halloween is my jam, y'all, so when I found out that there was an Elf on the Shelf for Halloween, you bet your sweet ass I bought one.

*groan* I know, some of you are not fans of things like this, Elf on the Shelf especially (he is super creepy looking) because I remember doing this:

somewhere out there is a hater looking at your pics like this meme

But ya know what? If it makes my son giggle, it's worth it, and I have fun thinking of things to do.

So how does this whole skeleton in the closet thing work? (No, I'm not getting any affiliate perks, I just love this product, okay?) You buy the set that comes with an adorable book that explains everything, just like Elf on the Shelf. Every October 1st, the Skeleton in the Closet rises from the dead, comes out of your child's closet, and begins to trick-or-treat you every day until Halloween night when he/she goes back to the grave.

So obviously, if you're not into things rising from the dead and your kid thinking creepy things are in their closet, this may not be for you. Although the book is beautiful and makes everything very cute and light. My son wants to be a zombie so obviously this isn't a problem in our family.

You get to name your skeleton if you want. My son wanted to name him Jack Skellington but then I remembered that's what he named his elf. So I prodded him again and we finally agreed on Khaos (the super villain from the video game Skylanders).

So now that I've bored you to death, here is what Khaos did on his first day.

Yup, he had a coming out party *badum pshhhhh* I'll be here all week, guys and gals.

If you think this is neat, I'll be taking pics of all the fun shenanigans Khaos will be getting into this month.

I wish it were Halloween everyday.

Vanilla Ice Fried Rice, Baby

gangster kitchen vanilla ice fried rice recipe baby

All right stop, go in your kitchen and listen, cuz Ice is back with an appetizing refreshment. People need to grub every day and nightly. Turn on the stove and I'll cook, do the whole delicious cuisine thing. I fry rice like Rachel Ray, light up the gas stove and I'll show you how to make something tastay. This recipe takes 30 minutes or less, quick to the point and feasible.

Dance...your way to your cupboards, grab these ingredients while I play a melody.

Serves: 6 chumps

  • 3 cups of cooled rice, yo (not ice, ice cool)
  • 12-1 cups of some dope cooking oil
  • 1 medium onion (wax these chumps)
  • 2 stalks of celery (anything less would be a felony)
  • 2 carrots (slice like a ninja)
  • 1 cup frozen peas
  • 3 eggs (beaten yo)
  • 14-12 cups of soy sauce (however much gets you pumpin')
  • pepper
If there's a problem and you don't have some of this stuff, yo, I'll solve it, roll to the grocery store with the ragtop down in your 5.0.

This recipe doesn't call for any ice, ice, baby.

Take Heed:

1. Put your oil in large non-stick skillet and slam on the gas.
2. Add your onion, celery, and carrots now that the party is jumpin'
3. Saute until onions are ice, ice transparent and carrots are crisp and tender.
4. Add peas and cook until peas are nimble.
5. Push veggies to one side of skillet, because I'm on a roll and it's time to go solo

Ice Ice Baby Vanilla, Ice Ice Baby Vanilla
Ice Ice Baby Vanilla, Ice Ice Baby Vanilla 

6. Scramble eggs in empty side of skillet to a souped up tempo.
7. Mix eggs into veggies and season with pepper. Keep on pursuing to the next step.
8. Add soy sauce to make it hype.
9. Then slowly mix in rice by the spoonful, grain to grain until the skillet is packed.
10. Cooking yummies like a pound of bacon.

I go crazy when I hear that sizzle after the oil pops cuz you turned up the tempo.

If my rice was a drug, I'd sell it by the gram. Fry it so fast other cooks say, "Damn!"

Yo, man, let's get out of here! Word to your mother!

vanilla ice fried rice recipe card

Want more Gangster Kitchen recipes? Of course you do! How about some Ying Yang Fried Chicken?


Funny Definition Of Mom Memes

funny mom memes definition of mom

Part 1 in the Definition Of Mom series.

Wednesday, September 30, 2015

Ying Yang Fried Chicken

Ying Yang Twins Fried Chicken Recipe Gangster Kitchen

You want a tasty ass recipe for fried up chicken that'll make you say, "Yeyeah!"? (yup!) Then try this shit out! (ha-haa!) cuz it's tasty (tasty), and it's fresh (fresh), and it only takes 45 minutes to make cuz we got some shit ta do today! (uh-huh!)

Feeds: 4 to 6 hungry ass mouths
Set yo shit up: 15 min
Cook this shit for: 30 min

Nah you gon' need some fuckin' thangs, aight?

Get This Shit:
  • 2 (2 1/2 to 3 pounds, ya heard?) whole frying chicken (tha whole damn thang), cut that shit up to fry (let's go, naw!)
  • Salt and freshly-ground black pepper
  • 3 cups all-purpose flour
  • 1 1/2 cups lard or solid vegetable shortening
*The U.S. muthafuckin Department of Agriculture an' shit advise against washing yo poultry. Rinsing yo chicken will not remove that funky ass bacteria.  Don't be sprayin' your chicken in the sink cuz you gon' be splashing that nasty raw meat juice all over the fuckin' place (you nastay!).  Just dunk yo meat thighs and breasts in a big ass bowl of cold water.*

Ready to get cho cookin' on?  Welletsgooo (let's go, let's go-let's go-let's go nah, cook it up!)

Preppin That Shit:

  • Spread them delicious lookin' thighs and breasts out (you freakay! you nastay!), grab yo salt and peppa and season that shit up like a pimp y'all! (aw-yeyeah!)
  • Put some flour in a big ass bag, yank that shit around like ya mad at it to coat the sides. Make sure you ain't bein' a dumbass an' close that shit up before yankin' (close it up)
  • Get a big ass, deep ass cast-iron skillet (bling-bling, y'all!) set cho stove up with summa that medium-high heat (heat it up!) and melt some lard y'all (you greasay! so greasay!) bring it up to 350 degrees F. Make sure that shit's hot enough to cook wit.
  • Drop a few pieces of meats in ya bag, close that shit up and shake it like a salt shaker (shake it like a salt shaker) shake it like a salt shaker! (shake it like a salt shaker)
  • Take them pieces out the bag and put 'em in the pan to fry (just sizzle wit it, sizzle wit it). Preheat the oven to 150 degrees to keep the cooked meat warm if you're cookin' in batches, bitches, or use two pans to fry like a muthafuckin' boss.  Keep twerkin' while ya workin' 'til you fry all that shit all up. And don't dry that shit out by cookin' to long y'all!
  • Now slow your roll and turn that stove on down to medium (slow it down!). Fry those chicken shits nice and slow for 12-15 minutes 'til they get nice and golden brown (mmpt-da-dum). Make sure you cook that shit through, don't be servin' nobody salmonella! (you nastay!). Make sure them thigh juices is clear when you stick it in 'em (we talkin' bout a knife, y'all!)
  • Take that beautiful meat out the pan and set 'em on a plate with some paper towels to soak up some of that extra grease (it's juicay, so juicay, whaaaat!?)

Now don't that look tasty? Put it in ya mouth and get your grub on. Peace!

Want more Gangster Kitchen recipes? Of course you do! How about some Vanilla Ice Fried Rice?

 Source: What's Cooking America

Monday, September 28, 2015

So You're Going To Potty Train Your Child In 3 Days...

That quote is from Adam Sandler in the movie Billy Madison and I want you to file that away in your brain and reference to it often.

Potty training is one of the most difficult skills you're going to have to teach your child.

Now that that intro is over, let me slip into a writing style that's a little more comfortable. I call it Dry Humor Sans Bullshit.

Much better.

So you just got done reading that post on How To Potty Train Your Child In 3 Days. You've memorized the techniques and you're armed with a healthy dose of determination.

You've got this.

Until you don't...

Until things don't come as easily as that post made it seem and you ask yourself why. Is there something wrong with you? Is there something wrong with your child (who by the way is probably nervous and scared but over-the-moon happy and excited that they're about to be a big boy or girl).

"But Sally's son is already potty trained." You know what? Fuck Sally (just kidding, I'm sure Sally is a really nice person). But you are not Sally and each kid is unique.

But, you've still got this. Potty training will come, you're not gonna send your spawn off to College in diapers.

When I started potty training, I didn't even ask myself the golden question everyone should ask themselves, "is my child ready to be potty trained?" I got intimidated by the posts I was seeing, like you, and was only focused on what my kid should be doing at x years/months old. 

So if the stickers and charts and brand new potty that hands out ice cream cones every time you flush isn't going well, it doesn't mean it's not working. Like any new skill, your kiddo is going to be effing terrible at first and make an absolute mess of things, literally. Just keep going and before you know it you're gonna be texting adorable poop pics to your friends and family.

Why is potty training so hard? 

Think about it. Smushed poo has been their security blanket their whole life. Their smelly, gross, warm, mushy security blanket but that's besides the point.

Pooping just feels unnatural. Imagine if you had never experienced a poop before. 

There is stuff literally coming out of your body and falling out. And even for the most seasoned of poopers, the splash of freezing water directly on your stink knot is frightening.

If you've never done so, look at your next poop. How do you explain that food baby to a child?

How to stop plummeting into a deep chasm of misery

Remember that quote I mentioned at the beginning of this quote? If you've never seen the movie, this was a moment where the character, Billy, comes to the rescue of his friend who has just pissed himself.

Now wasn't that heartwarming?

Yeah, but what's your point?

My point is that when accidents happen it can be really hard to modify your reaction (because reactions are kind of this automatic thing embedded into us as humans, weird, I know). So if you can put something simple like that quote or this scene in your head, it might make things a little easier.

Come to your child's rescue. This potty training stuff is pretty hard and oftentimes when we get short with our kids we forget that what what we're asking them to do is pretty huge. This lesson comes in handy for me all across the board as I ask myself how I would handle someone telling me what to do:

Calm down? You calm down!
Don't do that. Um, excuse me? I'll do as I please, thanks.
Push this out of your orifice. Omg, what!?

The most valuable advice I read when perusing article after article was to not yell, discipline, or show dissatisfaction in your tot when they have an accident. This advice will be very hard to follow and I failed at it more than a few times.

Let's try something. The next time your child has an accident, I want you to freeze your reaction face and find a mirror. Look at yourself and think about the impact of that expression.

Shame, shame, shame!

I'm just kidding. I'm your number one cheerleader on this!

Back to the point of not plummeting into that misery chasm.

"Don't worry, be happy." Yup, another quote. Stop worrying and be so goddamned happy you can't stand yourself. Make a huge deal every time your son or daughter tries to go potty, throw a freaking party when they do go potty. After the potty it's the bathroom party, wha-wha?

Happy Pooping!

Saturday, September 26, 2015

The Stay-At-Home Mom DIet

The Stay-At-Home Mom Diet 

stay at home mom diet funny blogger satire
Yesterday you pinned all of the things to your "Thinspiration" board and went to bed early (because getting enough sleep is crucial weight loss!).  You're freaking pumped.  You're gonna kick that back fat and tummy pooch to the curb.

Chug a glass of cold water because it starts your metabolism AND your body will burn extra calories warming up the temperature of the water.  It's Science!

Sip on a glass of hot water with lemon in it from your cutest mug or a hip mason jar cup.  Just because you're on your way to losing weight doesn't mean you can't do it in style.  Now Instagram a pic of you holding your cup.

Find one of these workout pins and attempt it:

pinterest workout

Give up halfway through and mutter, "f*ck that!" to yourself.  It's okay, you'll build up to it.

Breakfast time!  Stand in front of your fridge recently stocked with fish, spinach, almond milk, coconut water, egg whites, and your first batch of Jillian Michaels' weight loss/detox unsweetened cranberry dandelion tea.  Try a sip, force it down and then look at the jug with a look of utter disgust.

Opt out of cooking one of those fancy, healthy breakfasts for a protein bar instead because somehow you forgot to buy one of the ingredients like chia seeds, or rice protein or something.

Note that you're still hungry.  It's okay, your stomach will shrink.

Fill up another glass of water while daydreaming of the frozen mocha you could be making out with but aren't because that 500 calories a day really adds up and just eliminating that could help you lose another pound!

Pee like fifteen times in ten minutes.

Choke down ten different vitamins and supplements that make you feel like you had an all-you-can-eat buffet of rocks.

Make your child the most delicious looking food that looks delicious while doing calf raises. Pancakes, you would kill for just one bite.  Your child only eats half so you have to suffer watching it go in the trash like some poor little homeless kid.

Weigh yourself.  Are you skinny yet?  I think I see one of my hip bones!...nope.

Bust out the Vitamin E oil and seranwrap to make a DIY belly weight loss wrap.  Put a compression wrap over that.  Put a corset or waist trainer on.  Wrap yourself in a trash bag suit.  Take an Epsom salt detox bath.

Grab your child and use them as a weight in that fun YouTube workout video you found.
Try yoga, fail miserably as your child and pets turn you into a jungle gym.

Turn on the TV.  Happen to flip through a Victoria Secret fashion show where a model jokes about not having to work out.  She's just "naturally thin!" Contemplate the meaning of life and hold yourself back from throwing your 3 pound dumbbell through the screen.  Flip through a segment on the Food Network all about desserts.

Turn off the TV and grab the magazine you bought at the register along with all your healthy shit the other day.  Read a weight loss success story, cry, and wipe your tears with one of the featured healthy recipes.  

Read about another promising diet and add all the things you need to your grocery list for when you go back to buy the chia seeds you forgot.

Grab a wheelbarrow and load it with all the kale you'll be needing to make your first Mean Green Smoothie of the day.  Watch as all your money gets transformed into a cup of lost hope and regret.
Gasp in horror as your child knocks your smoothie over.

Look in the mirror to see if the three sips you poured down your drink hole have given your skin the "glow" that juicing documentary promised.

Hear the ice cream truck music, run to your window and caress the truck through the window as it passes by.  Make licking motions with your tongue as the neighborhood kids enjoy their sugary delights.  Throw back the curtains as one of their parents looks at you in horror and grabs their phone to call the Police.

Trudge over to your fridge after peeing five more times.  Decide to have a tomato, a little bit of cheese, some, you're going to eat pizza and it's going to be glorious.  Besides, the new diet you read about promises you'll lose ten lbs in one week and it sounds like a piece of cake.  

Speaking of cake...

Friday, September 25, 2015

DIY Jet Pack


Recently I decided to tackle a pin that had been on my kid board for way too long, a DIY Jet Pack.  I quickly browsed the directions and realized I had (mostly) everything I needed but I decided to make some modifications.  Here's how I did it.

fun DIY jet pack using soda bottles
Yep, there's my mini me, face all aglow with forced excitement while I screamed "Smile!  SMILE!" I know, I'm the best.  The kid did have a lot of fun with it though, so here's how I did it.

What You'll Need:
  • Red and/or orange felt sheets
  • Two large soda bottles
  • Hot glue
  • Scissors
  • A piece of cardboard (or you can cheat like me and use a sheet of foam, the kind that's sticky on one side)
  • Duct tape
  • 2 Adhesive Velcro stickers
  • Straps or Elastic (optional if you don't want to use duct tape)
  • Silver spray paint
Let's do this thang!

1.  First off, you're going to need to chug the soda from two huge bottles of soda or you can be a spoil sport and grab some from your recycling bin if you have them or borrow them from a friend.  One way or another, you must procure the sacred pop bottles.

2.  Go somewhere where you won't gas yourself with toxic spray paint fumes, lay some cardboard down, place your soda bottles on top of the cardboard so you don't make a mess, hold your breath, and spray the bottles with silver spray paint, running away immediately after so you can breathe again.

3.  After the spray paint has dried on the bottles, you need to mount them on top of a piece of cardboard or a sheet of foam like I did which eliminates having to hot glue these suckers down.  First, though, you can use some duct tape to keep the soda bottles together before sticking them down.

4.  Use hot glue to stick your bottles to the cardboard, or just smush your bottles against the sticky adhesive backing of the foam sheet if you decided to use my method.  Virtual high-five to you, sir or madam.

5.  I free-handed the flames on my felt, I did a larger flame using red felt and then a smaller flame using orange felt, but if you want yours to look nicer than mine or aren't super confident in your free-handing skills, I'm certain you can find a template on Google because you can find anything on Google.  If you do use two or more colors (oh, you fancy, huh?) simply hot glue the pieces on top of each other.  Make sure to leave a longer end on the biggest flame so you can feed it through the mouth of the soda bottle and hot glue it to the rim.  Hot glue all over this mutha! 

6.  The tutorial I saw on Doodlecraft recommends using straps and I've also seen guides that say to use elastic but all I had was Duct Tape so that's what I used.  For my straps, I measured my son's upper arms, where they meet his armpits, and gave him another inch or so of space, cut two pieces of duct tape that length, and stuck them sticky side to sticky side, then used another piece of duct tape to close the loop.  I did this again to make another arm loop.  I had a hard time trying to wing it from there and it was a complete mess of trial and lots of error until my "Aha!" moment came.  I could use Velcro! First, I used more duct tape to stick my loops to the foam board and I went around the entire thing, going over the soda bottles and everything.  Then I cut my loops in the center.  I grabbed my Velcro stickers and attached those to the ends of the Duct tape straps I cut, rough side of the Velcro under the top strap's end, soft side on top of the bottom strap's end.  Brilliant!  Now you have an easy way to put on and take off the straps.

I hope you enjoyed this Jet Pack DIY.  Happy Momming!

Thursday, September 24, 2015

Preparedness Drills For Future Parents

preparedness drills for future parents

So you're thinking about becoming the proud new owner of a baby but you're just not sure if you're ready?  I've got just the thing for you.  Below I will be sharing with you a list of drills that will prepare you for Operation Tiny Person.

1. Go to your local grocery store with a friend and pick up two of the largest sacks of potatoes you can find.  Ask your friend to stare at random strangers, occasionally blurting out random words.  Also tell them to smack anything you pick up out of your hands.

2. Buy a life-sized baby doll.  Fill the doll's head with lead and then attach the head back onto the body with a slinky.  Practice picking it up, setting it down, and walking around with it one-handed.

3. Watch a TV show but have a friend throw something, scream in your ear, or engage in borderline life threatening behavior every 2-5 minutes.  

4. Hold a cute little monkey with Irritable Bowel Syndrome and let it poo all over you.  Now clean up the monkey without puking, all whilst inhaling the formidable scent of dung. 

5. Search Google Images for common rashes.  How many times did you cringe?

6. Wear a flesh colored fanny pack filled with jello and cottage cheese (to mimic your future post-baby tummy).  Try on everything in your closet in front of a full-length mirror.

7. Repeat the last drill, but this time do it after having showered for three days.

8. If you'll be breastfeeding, practice latching techniques with a live piranha.  

9. Stand in the middle of a circle of annoying women while they take turns giving you unwanted advice that go against all your beliefs.  How long were you able to smile and nod before the internal screaming kicked in?

10. Watch the same Disney movie, repeatedly, for two weeks straight.  Rig an air horn to go off as soon as the movie ends.

If you tried your best with all these exercises and are still gung-ho on the whole parenthood thing, congratulations because you will be rewarded with the most profound love you've ever felt.

Wednesday, September 23, 2015

Mommy Makeup Tutorial

Mommy Makeup Tutorial

Hey ladies! Are you a tired mom who doesn't have a lot of time in the morning to put on makeup? I feel you. That's why I've come up with this super simple mommy makeup tutorial.

First thing's first. Let's take off all our makeup from yesterday because you passed out with it on and don't have time to shower today. I recommend using baby wipes. Mmm, that's fresh.
taking off your makeup

Now, we need to cover up all of this. Just use your favorite foundation, BB cream, CC cream, Spackle. Smear it all over your face. I like to use my painting palette knife.
putting on foundation
mommy makeup tutorial applying foundation

Cover your lips with red. I'm using the shade Desperately Wants To Look 18 Again. Perfect.

mommy makeup tutorial red lipstick

Now, put some color on your cheeks to trick people into thinking you're actually alive. I'm using the color Please, God, Make Me Pretty.
mommy makeup tutorial applying blush

Now let's tackle those dark abysses under your empty eyes.

Okay, this is the one serious thing I'll say in this whole post, this Age Rewind stuff by Maybeline is pretty amazing. If you put age rewind on anything, I'll buy it. Age rewind cereal? Buying it. Age rewind tampons? Done.
mommy makeup tutorial dark circles

If you want a more dramatic look, you could just take a picture of a model from a magazine, cut out her non-dark circles and apply those to your face using some left over Modge Podge from that DIY project you failed miserably at (I really hope that anyone reading this gets that this is not meant for real life and that modge podge will actually burn your face, trust me, I know).

Yup, perfect.

If you have a little extra time, why not put on some falsies? I prefer using the eyelashes of a virgin.

Eyeliner. If you want your eyeliner to last, you could use a Sharpie. 
mommy makeup tutorial sharpie eyeliner
**Warning, DO NOT DO THIS**  

Make sure to sweep upwards at the ends for that cat eye effect because let's face it, you're in a hopeless battle with gravity.
mommy makeup tutorial eyeliner

Now for some contouring. Main areas you should highlight are the middle of your nose, the tops of your cheeks, and underneath your eyebrows.
mommy makeup tutorial contouring highlighting
mommy makeup tutorial contouring highlighting

Areas you want to shade are your cheekbones, the outer edges of your
forehead, the outside of the bridge of your nose, and your double chin. I'm using brown face paint left over from last Halloween.

mommy makeup tutorial contouring shading
mommy makeup contouring shading

Now, to set your makeup, just get some Maximum Hold hair spray and spray your face like you're mad at it.

mommy makeup tutorial finished complete face

You look stunning!

I hope you enjoyed my tutorial! Don't forget to comment and share pictures of your Mommy Makeup results!

A Cornish Mum