Wednesday, December 30, 2015

How To Do Laundry In 11 (Not So)Easy Steps

Laundry, ugh, I break out in hives just thinking about the epic shit storm that this chore consists of.

But we mustn't look like a bunch of hobos so laundry is a necessary evil. Unless you're a husband. Then, you just drop socks and underwear all over the effing place and they magically appear all clean and folded in your drawer.

So how does one do the laundry? It's a very complicated 11-ish step process, at least in my homestead. Gather 'round, folks, and witness the lazy housewife's plight:

funny how to do laundry
This is an example of what I don't look like on laundry day

Wednesday, December 23, 2015

Home Alone 2: How Much Did The McCallister's Christmas Vacation Cost?

"Someone actually figured out how much the Christmas vacation/s on Home Alone 2 cost? They need to get a life!" Ah, I love the smell of being judged. But you know what? Yes I did.  You're welcome. And don't try to act like you're not the least bit curious.

Friday, December 4, 2015

Mommy Raps

Mom-ified rap songs

[Mom trying to pee in peace]
Mom, mooooom, mommy!
Seriously, get your fingers out from under the door
Hey, baby, hey,, go get some animal crackers
Calm down, calm down child
With so much drama in this H-O-U-S-E
It's kinda hard being M-O- double M...Y (wait, that doesn't rhyme)
But I, somehow, some way
Keep coming up with fun activities every single day
May I (why, yes, you may!), cook a little something for the kids (yeah)
and, run a few errands as (yeah!) I cruise, through town
Three in the afternoon and cartoons are still on
'cause my spouse ain't home
I got a kid in the living room throwing a tantrum
and, he ain't going to bed until eight at night (eight at night)
So what you wanna do, shooooot
I got a sink full of dishes and my dishwasher is full
So turn off the lights and close the doors
"But...." (what's wrong?) , "You didn't put my night light on." Oh yeah!
Now I'm gonna have a Netflix marathon
Feet up, Frozen off, while you kiddos snooze

Tuesday, December 1, 2015

Facebook Emojis I Wish Existed

"If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all." I know, I know. But emojis were created so that we can say things without teeechnically saying things. Still, sometimes you see posts on social media that you just don't know how to respond to or deserve something besides a thumbs up.

Well, gather 'round, boys and girls *slams fist on table* because as usual, I have put something amazingly useless together for your entertainment: Facebook Emojis I Wish Existed.

Friday, November 6, 2015

No Sleep Mommy: A Children's Book Parody

I'm at it again with the children's book parodies because they're pretty rad. It's a spontaneous writing adventure and you never know what you're going to end up with. This time I'm doing a parody of the classic children's book Goodnight Moon, written by Margaret Wise Brown. Only this one is titled No Sleep Mommy.

Goodnight Moon funny children's book parody No Sleep Mommy

Saturday, October 24, 2015

What To Put On Your Mom Resume

After many years working in various Customer Service positions, I decided to hang in the towel temporarily to be a Stay-At-Home Mom. As my child gets older and prepares for Kindergarten, I have been thinking about rejoining the work force and how I'm going to explain that huge gap in my resume. This got me thinking. What would a mother's resume look like? And then hilarity ensued.

Thursday, October 22, 2015

If Moms Were Given Medals

I had the privilege to be raised a "Navy brat" by the most badass old-school sailor ever and I can remember admiring all of the ribbons on my dad's uniform.

Besides having immense pride for our military, my father also instilled in me a great sense of humor and my most favoritest feature, the exquisite ability to cuss like a sailor.

After finally winning the nightly War On Bedtime with my tiny terror, I began to wonder, what types of awards would mothers get?

By no means am I comparing mothers to soldiers. I mean, we have it rough sometimes but c'mon now.

Take a look below, see which ribbons you would be awarded, print them out if you wish and tape them onto your shirt (not that I did that...shit, one of them is stuck to the cat...). Happy laughing, ladies ;)

Tuesday, October 20, 2015

DIY Halloween Garland

When my search for cute Halloween decor started this year, I fell in love with the Halloween garlands I saw in this picture from Wants and Wishes Design

DIY Halloween Garland

The tissue paper pom pom garland especially struck my fancy but I wanted to use some of my craft paper instead of tissue paper to add a little wow factor.

While working with tissue paper is a lot easier, I was successful in creating a beautiful DIY Halloween Tassel/Pom Pom Garland and I'm gonna show you how.

DIY Paper Tassel Halloween Garland
Ain't it purdy?

What You'll Need
  • Craft Paper (I used orange and about three different black and white patterns)
  • Hot glue, regular glue, or tape
  • Scissors
  • Craft string, twine, or yarn
  • Wooden skewer
  • Ruler (although I got away with just eyeing mine)

1. First, you're going to need to figure out how long you want your tassels or pom poms to be. Double the length of your desired tassel, and add about a half inch-inch to that. I wanted my tassels to be cute and small, so I decided on 3 inches and doubled that to about 6 inches.

2. Cut your craft paper the appropriate length using the calculations you did in step one. The width doesn't really matter, in my opinion, the longer, the better because it ends up being less cutting (sorta, you're gonna be doing a looootta cutting).

3. Fold the strip of paper you just cut in half and begin cutting tiny vertical strips in it, leaving about a half-inch of paper below the fold.

DIY Paper Tassel Hallowen garland tutorial

4. Now, you can cut your strips the desired width you'd like. I had to mess around with this quite a bit until I found my desired width. In the beginning I made them far too wide and since we're working with craft paper instead of tissue paper, the thickness can make it difficult to work with so for my garland, I ended up really liking 2-2 1/2 inches wide.

5. Now, unfold your paper and grab your wooden skewer because you're going to use it to roll the paper up. Starting at one side of the paper, fold the edge slightly over the skewer and begin to roll.

DIY paper tassel Halloween garland tutorial

6. When you're finished rolling, pull the skewer out and pinch the middle of the paper tube you just made and then fold the entire thing in half.

DIY paper tassel Halloween garland tutorial

7. Now, you can either continue to do this and make a giant stack of  tassels before attaching them to the string, or you can attach one by one, which is what I did just because I like to make things difficult and I didn't know how many of these babies would get me to my desired garland length. I ended up being able to cover 46 inches of wall space with my garland with just the right amount of slack and have a total of 28 tassels on my garland with an inch in-between each one.

To attach the tassels to the string, you have a choice. I've seen a few different tutorials on how to make these types of garlands and have seen people use hot glue and tape. If I could do this all over again, I would make a pile of pom poms and attach them all at once with hot glue but for the one in this tutorial, I just used clear Elmer's glue. Due to the thickness of the craft paper, this was a bit of a pain in the butt so save yourself the trouble and use tape or hot glue. Simply put a dab of glue where the fold is in each tassel, fold the tassel over the string and pinch until the glue dries.

8. Continue to attach tassels to your string until you get your desired length.

And that's it guys! Yay, you have an adorable Halloween garland!

DIY Halloween Garland

I hope you liked this tutorial, please like, share, and comment below!

Sunday, October 18, 2015

15 Reasons Why Dishes Are The Devil

Washing Dishes is the Gotdamned Worst

Do you hate washing dishes and need a reason to procrastinate because you have a sink full of those fuckers right now? Then I've got just the thing for you (I always got your back, boo!).

Okay, I have a dishwasher so I know I shouldn't complain but I'm still convinced that washing dishes is a chore created by the devil.

Friday, October 16, 2015

National Be Nice To A Fellow Mom Day

 end the mom wars national be nice to a fellow mom day

Raise your hand if you've ever felt judged by another mom.

When I got pregnant with my son, I knew what I was signing up for (kinda). What I didn't know was that becoming a mother gave other moms (hell, gave everyone, parent or not) full license to judge.

Recent generations not only have to stand being judged in the real world, but online, too. The internet has given people a virtual soap box to express their opinions.

As if moms don't have enough to worry about, we face side-eyes and hushed conversations and pictures of perfect moms with tidy children and articles about how we're not doing things right.

Having a child is one of the best things that can happen to a person, but at times it can be lonely.

I saw this meme the other day and realized we need more compassion and less alienation.

when I see another mom with a screaming toddler in public meme

I have a feeling there are a lot of moms out there who want to connect and be understood, even if that means a genuine smile at the mom in the grocery store with a tantrum-throwing tot.

That's why I want moms everywhere to band together and stop the mom wars for just one day. 

Let's create a holiday where we say and/or do something nice for fellow moms or simply acknowledge each other in a way that is kind. A break from feeling not good enough and maybe making a new friend sounds horrible, right?

Let's make National Be Nice To A Fellow Mom Day a thing. Call your mom friends out on being awesome. Sprinkle happiness around like glitter.

I'm challenging moms everywhere to give and receive a little bit of love because we deserve a freaking break and if anyone can understand that, it's other mommas.

Image Source: NYTimes

Thursday, October 15, 2015

Mommy Cusses Daily LOLZ

funny husband and wife meme washing dishes

Just here to give you your daily LOLZ. Caption is from my own lady brain. 
Image from: Huffington Post 

Alexis And The Terrible, Horrible, Can't Even, WTF Day: A Children's Book Parody

alexander and the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day book parody I've been wanting to write a children's book parody for quite some time now and as I was reading this book to my child, I thought, I could totally do a mom version of this. So I did. And, like life, it started out fun and funny and then ended up pretty depressing actually. My next project is going to be coming up with illustrations for these and then sell it for millions (yeah, right, well, I am going to make illustrations). I hope you get a good laugh out of this. Enjoy!

I went to sleep without wearing a pad and now there's blood on the sheets and when I got out of bed this morning I stepped on a soggy pee diaper and by mistake I squirted breast milk in the baby's face and all over my work shirt and I could tell it was going to be a terrible, horrible, can't even, WTF day.

Saturday, October 10, 2015

The Many Uses Of Wine

While drinking wine is magical, there are many other uses for wine that you may not have thought of.

Brushing Your Teeth

Because it's alcohol and alcohol kills bacteria. Even dentists back this. Wanna make sure those tiny bacteria fuckers are gone? Gargle a couple glasses of the good stuff.

Friday, October 9, 2015

Mysterious Childhood Ailments

Throughout my career as a mother, I have witnessed and heard tales of certain common yet mysterious childhood ailments. I have taken it upon myself to catalog these ailments in hopes for a cure.

funny and mysterious childhood ailments

The Unquenchable Bedtime Thirst - this phenomenon has been noted by parents all over the world, where children inexplicably become parched after being tucked in.

mysterious childhood ailments unquenchable bedtime thirst
Buttwiping Amnesia - They know how to do it. You know they know but for unknown reasons, and at random times, the piercing whine emits from the bathroom. "Wipe my buuuutt." When prodded about why they can't do it themselves, they claim to have forgotten or not know how.

mysterious childhood ailments buttwiping amnesia
Hand Tourettes - This affliction only presents itself when full cups of liquid are nearby. Everything appears normal, but suddenly, the child's hand loses all control and before you realize what's happening, drink has been spilled everywhere. 

mysterious childhood ailments hand tourettesChocolate Succubus - Any mention of foods other than chocolate will be met with looks of disgust and the child will report not being hungry, however, once chocolate is presented, the child becomes ravenous, caring not for appearance whilst smearing the brown all over their faces and clothes.

mysterious childhood ailments chocolate succubus
Inconvenient Bladder Syndrome - Even if the child has emptied their bladder before leaving, moments after you arrive at an event or for groceries, the child will need to urinate. If no restrooms are available, the child's urgency will almost always be tenfold.

mysterious childhood ailments inconvenient bladder syndrome

Friday, October 2, 2015

The Skeleton In The Closet Day 2

Skeleton In The Closet

the skeleton in the closet day two skeleton in the closet ideas

Looks like Khaos, our skeleton, decided to go swimmin' with the fishes last night but not just any fish. Keep visiting Mommy Cusses for more Skeleton In The Closet ideas and fun!

Thursday, October 1, 2015

The Skeleton In The Closet

It's October 1st which means it's time for The Skeleton In The Closet!

the skeleton in the closet a halloween tradition

I have been Halloween obsessed for forever. I was the creepy little girl hammering scrap wood together to make crosses for the lawn. Halloween is my jam, y'all, so when I found out that there was an Elf on the Shelf for Halloween, you bet your sweet ass I bought one.

*groan* I know, some of you are not fans of things like this, Elf on the Shelf especially (he is super creepy looking) because I remember doing this:

somewhere out there is a hater looking at your pics like this meme

But ya know what? If it makes my son giggle, it's worth it, and I have fun thinking of things to do.

So how does this whole skeleton in the closet thing work? (No, I'm not getting any affiliate perks, I just love this product, okay?) You buy the set that comes with an adorable book that explains everything, just like Elf on the Shelf. Every October 1st, the Skeleton in the Closet rises from the dead, comes out of your child's closet, and begins to trick-or-treat you every day until Halloween night when he/she goes back to the grave.

So obviously, if you're not into things rising from the dead and your kid thinking creepy things are in their closet, this may not be for you. Although the book is beautiful and makes everything very cute and light. My son wants to be a zombie so obviously this isn't a problem in our family.

You get to name your skeleton if you want. My son wanted to name him Jack Skellington but then I remembered that's what he named his elf. So I prodded him again and we finally agreed on Khaos (the super villain from the video game Skylanders).

So now that I've bored you to death, here is what Khaos did on his first day.

Yup, he had a coming out party *badum pshhhhh* I'll be here all week, guys and gals.

If you think this is neat, I'll be taking pics of all the fun shenanigans Khaos will be getting into this month.

I wish it were Halloween everyday.

Vanilla Ice Fried Rice, Baby

gangster kitchen vanilla ice fried rice recipe baby

All right stop, go in your kitchen and listen, cuz Ice is back with an appetizing refreshment. People need to grub every day and nightly. Turn on the stove and I'll cook, do the whole delicious cuisine thing. I fry rice like Rachel Ray, light up the gas stove and I'll show you how to make something tastay. This recipe takes 30 minutes or less, quick to the point and feasible.

Dance...your way to your cupboards, grab these ingredients while I play a melody.

Funny Definition Of Mom Memes

funny mom memes definition of mom

Part 1 in the Definition Of Mom series.

Wednesday, September 30, 2015

Ying Yang Fried Chicken

Ying Yang Twins Fried Chicken Recipe Gangster Kitchen

You want a tasty ass recipe for fried up chicken that'll make you say, "Yeyeah!"? (yup!) Then try this shit out! (ha-haa!) cuz it's tasty (tasty), and it's fresh (fresh), and it only takes 45 minutes to make cuz we got some shit ta do today! (uh-huh!)

Monday, September 28, 2015

So You're Going To Potty Train Your Child In 3 Days...

That quote is from Adam Sandler in the movie Billy Madison and I want you to file that away in your brain and reference to it often.

Potty training is one of the most difficult skills you're going to have to teach your child.

Now that that intro is over, let me slip into a writing style that's a little more comfortable. I call it Dry Humor Sans Bullshit.

Much better.

So you just got done reading that post on How To Potty Train Your Child In 3 Days. You've memorized the techniques and you're armed with a healthy dose of determination.

You've got this.

Until you don't...

Until things don't come as easily as that post made it seem and you ask yourself why. Is there something wrong with you? Is there something wrong with your child (who by the way is probably nervous and scared but over-the-moon happy and excited that they're about to be a big boy or girl).

"But Sally's son is already potty trained." You know what? Fuck Sally (just kidding, I'm sure Sally is a really nice person). But you are not Sally and each kid is unique.

But, you've still got this. Potty training will come, you're not gonna send your spawn off to College in diapers.

When I started potty training, I didn't even ask myself the golden question everyone should ask themselves, "is my child ready to be potty trained?" I got intimidated by the posts I was seeing, like you, and was only focused on what my kid should be doing at x years/months old. 

So if the stickers and charts and brand new potty that hands out ice cream cones every time you flush isn't going well, it doesn't mean it's not working. Like any new skill, your kiddo is going to be effing terrible at first and make an absolute mess of things, literally. Just keep going and before you know it you're gonna be texting adorable poop pics to your friends and family.

Why is potty training so hard? 

Think about it. Smushed poo has been their security blanket their whole life. Their smelly, gross, warm, mushy security blanket but that's besides the point.

Pooping just feels unnatural. Imagine if you had never experienced a poop before. 

There is stuff literally coming out of your body and falling out. And even for the most seasoned of poopers, the splash of freezing water directly on your stink knot is frightening.

If you've never done so, look at your next poop. How do you explain that food baby to a child?

How to stop plummeting into a deep chasm of misery

Remember that quote I mentioned at the beginning of this quote? If you've never seen the movie, this was a moment where the character, Billy, comes to the rescue of his friend who has just pissed himself.

Now wasn't that heartwarming?

Yeah, but what's your point?

My point is that when accidents happen it can be really hard to modify your reaction (because reactions are kind of this automatic thing embedded into us as humans, weird, I know). So if you can put something simple like that quote or this scene in your head, it might make things a little easier.

Come to your child's rescue. This potty training stuff is pretty hard and oftentimes when we get short with our kids we forget that what what we're asking them to do is pretty huge. This lesson comes in handy for me all across the board as I ask myself how I would handle someone telling me what to do:

Calm down? You calm down!
Don't do that. Um, excuse me? I'll do as I please, thanks.
Push this out of your orifice. Omg, what!?

The most valuable advice I read when perusing article after article was to not yell, discipline, or show dissatisfaction in your tot when they have an accident. This advice will be very hard to follow and I failed at it more than a few times.

Let's try something. The next time your child has an accident, I want you to freeze your reaction face and find a mirror. Look at yourself and think about the impact of that expression.

Shame, shame, shame!

I'm just kidding. I'm your number one cheerleader on this!

Back to the point of not plummeting into that misery chasm.

"Don't worry, be happy." Yup, another quote. Stop worrying and be so goddamned happy you can't stand yourself. Make a huge deal every time your son or daughter tries to go potty, throw a freaking party when they do go potty. After the potty it's the bathroom party, wha-wha?

Happy Pooping!

Saturday, September 26, 2015

The Stay-At-Home Mom DIet

The Stay-At-Home Mom Diet 

stay at home mom diet funny blogger satire
Yesterday you pinned all of the things to your "Thinspiration" board and went to bed early (because getting enough sleep is crucial weight loss!).  You're freaking pumped.  You're gonna kick that back fat and tummy pooch to the curb.

Chug a glass of cold water because it starts your metabolism AND your body will burn extra calories warming up the temperature of the water.  It's Science!

Sip on a glass of hot water with lemon in it from your cutest mug or a hip mason jar cup.  Just because you're on your way to losing weight doesn't mean you can't do it in style.  Now Instagram a pic of you holding your cup.

Friday, September 25, 2015

DIY Jet Pack


Recently I decided to tackle a pin that had been on my kid board for way too long, a DIY Jet Pack.  I quickly browsed the directions and realized I had (mostly) everything I needed but I decided to make some modifications.  Here's how I did it.

fun DIY jet pack using soda bottles
Yep, there's my mini me, face all aglow with forced excitement while I screamed "Smile!  SMILE!" I know, I'm the best.  The kid did have a lot of fun with it though, so here's how I did it.

What You'll Need:
  • Red and/or orange felt sheets
  • Two large soda bottles
  • Hot glue
  • Scissors
  • A piece of cardboard (or you can cheat like me and use a sheet of foam, the kind that's sticky on one side)
  • Duct tape
  • 2 Adhesive Velcro stickers
  • Straps or Elastic (optional if you don't want to use duct tape)
  • Silver spray paint
Let's do this thang!

1.  First off, you're going to need to chug the soda from two huge bottles of soda or you can be a spoil sport and grab some from your recycling bin if you have them or borrow them from a friend.  One way or another, you must procure the sacred pop bottles.

2.  Go somewhere where you won't gas yourself with toxic spray paint fumes, lay some cardboard down, place your soda bottles on top of the cardboard so you don't make a mess, hold your breath, and spray the bottles with silver spray paint, running away immediately after so you can breathe again.

3.  After the spray paint has dried on the bottles, you need to mount them on top of a piece of cardboard or a sheet of foam like I did which eliminates having to hot glue these suckers down.  First, though, you can use some duct tape to keep the soda bottles together before sticking them down.

4.  Use hot glue to stick your bottles to the cardboard, or just smush your bottles against the sticky adhesive backing of the foam sheet if you decided to use my method.  Virtual high-five to you, sir or madam.

5.  I free-handed the flames on my felt, I did a larger flame using red felt and then a smaller flame using orange felt, but if you want yours to look nicer than mine or aren't super confident in your free-handing skills, I'm certain you can find a template on Google because you can find anything on Google.  If you do use two or more colors (oh, you fancy, huh?) simply hot glue the pieces on top of each other.  Make sure to leave a longer end on the biggest flame so you can feed it through the mouth of the soda bottle and hot glue it to the rim.  Hot glue all over this mutha! 

6.  The tutorial I saw on Doodlecraft recommends using straps and I've also seen guides that say to use elastic but all I had was Duct Tape so that's what I used.  For my straps, I measured my son's upper arms, where they meet his armpits, and gave him another inch or so of space, cut two pieces of duct tape that length, and stuck them sticky side to sticky side, then used another piece of duct tape to close the loop.  I did this again to make another arm loop.  I had a hard time trying to wing it from there and it was a complete mess of trial and lots of error until my "Aha!" moment came.  I could use Velcro! First, I used more duct tape to stick my loops to the foam board and I went around the entire thing, going over the soda bottles and everything.  Then I cut my loops in the center.  I grabbed my Velcro stickers and attached those to the ends of the Duct tape straps I cut, rough side of the Velcro under the top strap's end, soft side on top of the bottom strap's end.  Brilliant!  Now you have an easy way to put on and take off the straps.

I hope you enjoyed this Jet Pack DIY.  Happy Momming!

Thursday, September 24, 2015

Preparedness Drills For Future Parents

preparedness drills for future parentsSo you're thinking about becoming the proud new owner of a baby but you're just not sure if you're ready?  I've got just the thing for you.  Below I will be sharing with you a list of drills that will prepare you for Operation Tiny Person.

1. Go to your local grocery store with a friend and pick up two of the largest sacks of potatoes you can find.  Ask your friend to stare at random strangers, occasionally blurting out random words.  Also tell them to smack anything you pick up out of your hands.

2. Buy a life-sized baby doll.  Fill the doll's head with lead and then attach the head back onto the body with a slinky.  Practice picking it up, setting it down, and walking around with it one-handed.

3. Watch a TV show but have a friend throw something, scream in your ear, or engage in borderline life threatening behavior every 2-5 minutes.

Wednesday, September 23, 2015

Mommy Makeup Tutorial

Mommy Cusses hot mess makeup tutorial
Hey ladies! Are you a tired mom who doesn't have a lot of time in the morning to put on makeup? I feel you. That's why I've come up with this super simple mommy makeup tutorial.

First thing's first. Let's take off all our makeup from yesterday because you passed out with it on and don't have time to shower today. I recommend using baby wipes. Mmm, that's fresh.

Tuesday, September 22, 2015

Things That Happen When You Turn 30

things that happen when you turn thirty

My birthday is coming up and it's not just any birthday.  It's my 30th.  In contemplating my advanced age, I decided to make a list of things I'll be saying goodbye to in my thirties, but alas, there are some things I'm saying hello to, too.

Goodbye To My Twenties!

Goodbye "thinspiration".  I used to gawk at fit women and say to myself, "Someday, someday." Yeah, yeah, I know, it's never too late to start but let's get effing real. 

Goodbye faded jeans and anything with rhinestones or the words sexy, hot, or juicy on them.  Okay, I've said goodbye to these things for a while but lately I find myself looking at pieces of clothing and thinking, "is this too young for me?" On a side note, I will still shop at Forever 21 because it's okay, the name of the store gives me permission.  I will forever be 21.  Deal.

Goodbye binge drinking.  For two reasons.  1) I can't "hang" anymore, I can't even sit on the couch at someone's party without falling asleep. 2) I get mad heartburn now, yo.  The fact that I need medication to pour alcohol down my drink hole so that my insides don't smite me says it all. 

Goodbye balls.  Not literal balls, I'm talking about my spirit balls, yes, spirit balls.  I used to be able to watch scary movies and go to haunted houses and jump off cliffs into the lake and tolerate heights.  Not anymore.  Nope, nope, nope, and no.  

Goodbye being hip.  Oh, you want to know what I did this weekend?  Nothing.  Literally nothing and it was glorious.

Goodbye wearing yoga pants without a shirt long enough to cover my ass.  Where did it go?  Why is it oozing down my leg like some weird, sad play dough?  No muscle, no shape, it's just a weird lava lamp of shame back there.

Goodbye knowing what's cool.  No, I haven't heard about your fancy new contraptions and apps.  When I was your age I played outside with a stick and I used a folded piece of paper that you stuck your fingers inside and opened and closed to figure out who you were gonna marry.

Goodbye most of my friends.  It's okay though, the ones that stick around are amazing.  Don't feel bad about the friends that fall off either, priorities shift, especially if they and/or you have a family.  It's all good in the hood.

Goodbye bras.  No one's looking at these fun bags anymore so it's okay.  Set those tatas free!

Goodbye cartoons that make any sense.  Go ahead, do it, look and see what has taken over your beloved Nickelodeon and Cartoon Network.  Witness the acid trip that is now being absorbed by the world's children.  Now cuddle yourself and cry, your childhood is gone forever.

Ready for a little transition?  It's the most honest thing in this entire post.  Goodbye beer and hard liquor, hello wine (if you're a woman) and scotch (if you're a dude).  And don't start on me with gender roles, I have an old lady brain now and I can't handle it.

Well, Hello...

Hello having to do research and extensive studies on a pair of jeans.  Do they stretch?  Does it come with a full body spanx suit that comes up to my chin?  Does it come fitted with a camel pack where I can store my wine? 

Hello body aches and pains.  My hips feel out of whack, my shoulders and neck hurt.  I can't get comfortable.  I just had to get my appendix taken out.  My body is starting to do some really weird shit.

Hello basing your outfit off of what you look the least terrible in.  In the days of yore, you would pick up the cleanest of dirty laundry on your floor, put it on and still look like a goddamn super model.

Hello naps?  What in the actual hell?  Suddenly I'm turning back into a child and just passing out watching cartoons on the couch.  My favorite blankey is in the washing machine?  Prepare for a meltdown.

Hello to watching what I eat because I don't want to gain five pounds in one day.  Seriously, what is this?

Hello anti-aging anything.  Because I shouldn't have to pull my eye skin up in order to put eyeliner on.

Hello taking vitamins and supplements.  What?  Now I'm toting around one of those pill organizers and popping pills like tic tacs?

Hello having to explain to younger generations what a certain show or movie you grew up with was about.  "Yeah, there were all these kids who went to a Summer Camp and they got into some real shenanigans at Anawana, I tell you what!"

Hello weird hairs and wrinkles.  Part of my morning routine now is plucking weird sprouts from my chin and discovering hairs where no hair has been before.  Also, my neck looks like an accordion.

Hello spending actual money dollars on things like Tupperware and a food processor.  You wanna know the way I used to process food?  Cramming all the free food on the counter at house parties down my pie hole or shoving the sweet nectar of Gods that is .99 cent tacos from Jack In The Box at 3 a.m. after struggling to sound coherent in the drive-thru.  "No lyettluce on m..may tdaco-ohkey?"
"No ma'am, we will not put a lattice on your Don Quixote."

Hello younger people thinking of me as a frail little animal on my birthdays.  "Awwwww, she made it another year.  I should wish her a Happy Birthday, after all, she may not have much time left."

Hello to gravity no longer applying?  Your skin suddenly turns into this weird mush and all your fat and innards start to sort of just float around you.  Suddenly you're like a walking science experiment.  What is that all about?

Hello to embracing yourself.  Just because you're saying goodbye to some things doesn't mean you'll miss them.  At 30 you've figured yourself out a bit more, you've settled down and you have some life experience.  You know who your true friends are and you're too old for drama and have realized you don't have to deal with it.

I'm thinking 30 looks pretty good on me.

Monday, September 21, 2015

Inspirational Posters From Moms

About a month ago I stumbled across these hilarious inspirational posters that had typical "mom quotes" on them, you can view the original post here.  But today I took it upon myself to continue the series.  Below are more funny inspirational posters with things your mom says.  Enjoy!

things your mom says

things your mom says

things your mom says

things your mom says

things your mom says

things your mom says

things your mom says

things your mom says

things your mom says

What You Should Know About Skylanders Before Buying The Game

My son is 4 and for the past year he got sucked into the world of Skylanders like many boys his age.  He learned about them through Evan Tube and has been hooked ever since.

What are Skylanders?  If you've somehow never heard of these things, they are a series of neat little characters who fight bad guys, that's the gist of it.  Each character has a magical element: Fire, Water, Earth, Light, Air, Undead, Tech, and Magic.

Up until about two months ago, my son was perfectly content just accumulating the different figurines but we are a gaming family so who was I kidding, I knew that at some point we would get the game.  Oh gods, what have we done?

So yes, there is a game and we got it for our Xbox One.  The game comes with a neat portal that you plug into your Xbox, the game (of course), and a few different characters to start out with.  You'd think you'd be set with just that but you'd be so very, very wrong.

And so I begin the Things I Wish I Knew About Skylanders Before

1.  It is a money pit.  Be prepared to spend a pretty penny.

2.  This could have been included in number one but hey, I enjoy making lists.  Here are things you are going to spend money on that you had no idea you'd need to:
  • Trap Masters.  These are Skylander characters on steroids.  You can usually tell they're Trap Masters because they have spiffy weapons or accessories that are clear-ish which is supposed to be Traptanium, a special substance that you'll learn about through the story line.  Throughout game play you will come across special portals that only a Trap Master of that portal's element can go through to get extra treasure and areas.  There will also be clusters of traptanium that only a Trap Master can crush to access a reward
  • Traps.  These things look like tiny crystals and they're what you'll need to trap the bad guys once you defeat them.  And you can't just buy one, oh no, no, no.  Each bad guy also has an element and you'll need to have a trap with that element in order to trap them.  Want another kicker?  Certain traps like the Light, Dark, and special Kaos trap are very rare and expensive!  We've had this game for about two months now and have beat the game but we still don't have the Light or Dark crystals.  Do yourself a favor and buy the three packs of the crystals because they end up being cheaper that way, wish I'd known that gem in the beginning.
3.  Just when you think the game is over, it's not.  Once you defeat Kaos, the geniuses behind Skylanders (really, they are geniuses for coming up with all of this) carry on the story by adding extra areas and story line that you can only access through "magical items."  We went all over the Academy trying to find a character who sold magical items but magical items, like the traps and skylanders, are small plastic objects you have to go to the store or online to buy.  You place them on the portal and are able to access fun extra content.

4.  You will have to battle your child with the strength of Thor to get them to stop playing this game.  And the moment you wake up, there your bundle of joy will be, begging you to play the game.  You need to set limits which can be tough.  Please don't give me any flack about this, I already feel enough shame on my own, okay?

5.  You will be astonished by the freakish rate at which your child will become an expert at playing this game.

6.  Despite it being very expensive and addictive, it is fun to do as a family.  The game has a 2-player mode so you can play with your child.

7.  The story line is great and you can expect a ton of delightful giggles coming from your kiddo.

8.  Your child will tell EVERYONE about their Skylander adventures everything.  Does my grandma want to hear about all of the crystals?  I'll tell her!  Does my teacher want to know about my favorite Skylander?  Sure!  Does this complete stranger standing next to us at the crosswalk want to know what game I want to play right now?  Yaaaasss!

So there, you have been warned and my heart goes out to you, fellow parent of a Skylander fanatic.

**Mommy Cusses is an Amazon Associate and may be compensated if you use the links in this blog.  I greatly appreciate your support**

Sunday, September 20, 2015

First Blog Post Jitters

I wanted to have the perfect words for the perfect first blog post.  This isn't my first blog but I wanted to start over, I wanted a space where I didn't have to be an "expert", and after all these months of my blog sitting on the back burner, I found my message to you.

I am not perfect but through my imperfections I have gained a quirky life of humor and tiny adventures, even when I don't have anything exciting going on which is often.

I thought about masking my identity, that way I could hide but be exposed at the same time.  It's part of my weird introvert/artistic personality.  Screw that.  My name is Serena, it's nice to meet you.

Who am I?  I'm too many things and personalities to explain, just like you.  I'm a mom, I'm a wife, I'm a daughter, a sister, a friend.  I'm a freelance writer, a poet, an artist.  I'm a geek, a gamer, an introvert, a music lover, a daydreamer. 

This blog is meant to entertain you, to make you think, to have fun, to give you a friend, to be myself, share things, and hopefully make you feel a little less alone.

So let's begin :)