Saturday, September 26, 2015

The Stay-At-Home Mom DIet


The Stay-At-Home Mom Diet 

stay at home mom diet funny blogger satire
Yesterday you pinned all of the things to your "Thinspiration" board and went to bed early (because getting enough sleep is crucial weight loss!).  You're freaking pumped.  You're gonna kick that back fat and tummy pooch to the curb.

Chug a glass of cold water because it starts your metabolism AND your body will burn extra calories warming up the temperature of the water.  It's Science!

Sip on a glass of hot water with lemon in it from your cutest mug or a hip mason jar cup.  Just because you're on your way to losing weight doesn't mean you can't do it in style.  Now Instagram a pic of you holding your cup.

Find one of these workout pins and attempt it:

pinterest workout

Give up halfway through and mutter, "f*ck that!" to yourself.  It's okay, you'll build up to it.

Breakfast time!  Stand in front of your fridge recently stocked with fish, spinach, almond milk, coconut water, egg whites, and your first batch of Jillian Michaels' weight loss/detox unsweetened cranberry dandelion tea.  Try a sip, force it down and then look at the jug with a look of utter disgust.

Opt out of cooking one of those fancy, healthy breakfasts for a protein bar instead because somehow you forgot to buy one of the ingredients like chia seeds, or rice protein or something.

Note that you're still hungry.  It's okay, your stomach will shrink.

Fill up another glass of water while daydreaming of the frozen mocha you could be making out with but aren't because that 500 calories a day really adds up and just eliminating that could help you lose another pound!

Pee like fifteen times in ten minutes.

Choke down ten different vitamins and supplements that make you feel like you had an all-you-can-eat buffet of rocks.

Make your child the most delicious looking food that looks delicious while doing calf raises. Pancakes, you would kill for just one bite.  Your child only eats half so you have to suffer watching it go in the trash like some poor little homeless kid.

Weigh yourself.  Are you skinny yet?  I think I see one of my hip bones!...nope.

Bust out the Vitamin E oil and seranwrap to make a DIY belly weight loss wrap.  Put a compression wrap over that.  Put a corset or waist trainer on.  Wrap yourself in a trash bag suit.  Take an Epsom salt detox bath.

Grab your child and use them as a weight in that fun YouTube workout video you found.
Try yoga, fail miserably as your child and pets turn you into a jungle gym.

Turn on the TV.  Happen to flip through a Victoria Secret fashion show where a model jokes about not having to work out.  She's just "naturally thin!" Contemplate the meaning of life and hold yourself back from throwing your 3 pound dumbbell through the screen.  Flip through a segment on the Food Network all about desserts.

Turn off the TV and grab the magazine you bought at the register along with all your healthy shit the other day.  Read a weight loss success story, cry, and wipe your tears with one of the featured healthy recipes.  

Read about another promising diet and add all the things you need to your grocery list for when you go back to buy the chia seeds you forgot.

Grab a wheelbarrow and load it with all the kale you'll be needing to make your first Mean Green Smoothie of the day.  Watch as all your money gets transformed into a cup of lost hope and regret.
Gasp in horror as your child knocks your smoothie over.

Look in the mirror to see if the three sips you poured down your drink hole have given your skin the "glow" that juicing documentary promised.

Hear the ice cream truck music, run to your window and caress the truck through the window as it passes by.  Make licking motions with your tongue as the neighborhood kids enjoy their sugary delights.  Throw back the curtains as one of their parents looks at you in horror and grabs their phone to call the Police.

Trudge over to your fridge after peeing five more times.  Decide to have a tomato, a little bit of cheese, some meat...pizza, you're going to eat pizza and it's going to be glorious.  Besides, the new diet you read about promises you'll lose ten lbs in one week and it sounds like a piece of cake.  

Speaking of cake...