Tuesday, September 22, 2015

Things That Happen When You Turn 30


things that happen when you turn thirty

My birthday is coming up and it's not just any birthday.  It's my 30th.  In contemplating my advanced age, I decided to make a list of things I'll be saying goodbye to in my thirties, but alas, there are some things I'm saying hello to, too.

Goodbye To My Twenties!



Goodbye "thinspiration".  I used to gawk at fit women and say to myself, "Someday, someday." Yeah, yeah, I know, it's never too late to start but let's get effing real. 



Goodbye faded jeans and anything with rhinestones or the words sexy, hot, or juicy on them.  Okay, I've said goodbye to these things for a while but lately I find myself looking at pieces of clothing and thinking, "is this too young for me?" On a side note, I will still shop at Forever 21 because it's okay, the name of the store gives me permission.  I will forever be 21.  Deal.



Goodbye binge drinking.  For two reasons.  1) I can't "hang" anymore, I can't even sit on the couch at someone's party without falling asleep. 2) I get mad heartburn now, yo.  The fact that I need medication to pour alcohol down my drink hole so that my insides don't smite me says it all. 



Goodbye balls.  Not literal balls, I'm talking about my spirit balls, yes, spirit balls.  I used to be able to watch scary movies and go to haunted houses and jump off cliffs into the lake and tolerate heights.  Not anymore.  Nope, nope, nope, and no.  



Goodbye being hip.  Oh, you want to know what I did this weekend?  Nothing.  Literally nothing and it was glorious.



Goodbye wearing yoga pants without a shirt long enough to cover my ass.  Where did it go?  Why is it oozing down my leg like some weird, sad play dough?  No muscle, no shape, it's just a weird lava lamp of shame back there.



Goodbye knowing what's cool.  No, I haven't heard about your fancy new contraptions and apps.  When I was your age I played outside with a stick and I used a folded piece of paper that you stuck your fingers inside and opened and closed to figure out who you were gonna marry.



Goodbye most of my friends.  It's okay though, the ones that stick around are amazing.  Don't feel bad about the friends that fall off either, priorities shift, especially if they and/or you have a family.  It's all good in the hood.



Goodbye bras.  No one's looking at these fun bags anymore so it's okay.  Set those tatas free!



Goodbye cartoons that make any sense.  Go ahead, do it, look and see what has taken over your beloved Nickelodeon and Cartoon Network.  Witness the acid trip that is now being absorbed by the world's children.  Now cuddle yourself and cry, your childhood is gone forever.


Ready for a little transition?  It's the most honest thing in this entire post.  Goodbye beer and hard liquor, hello wine (if you're a woman) and scotch (if you're a dude).  And don't start on me with gender roles, I have an old lady brain now and I can't handle it.

Well, Hello...



Hello having to do research and extensive studies on a pair of jeans.  Do they stretch?  Does it come with a full body spanx suit that comes up to my chin?  Does it come fitted with a camel pack where I can store my wine? 



Hello body aches and pains.  My hips feel out of whack, my shoulders and neck hurt.  I can't get comfortable.  I just had to get my appendix taken out.  My body is starting to do some really weird shit.



Hello basing your outfit off of what you look the least terrible in.  In the days of yore, you would pick up the cleanest of dirty laundry on your floor, put it on and still look like a goddamn super model.



Hello naps?  What in the actual hell?  Suddenly I'm turning back into a child and just passing out watching cartoons on the couch.  My favorite blankey is in the washing machine?  Prepare for a meltdown.



Hello to watching what I eat because I don't want to gain five pounds in one day.  Seriously, what is this?



Hello anti-aging anything.  Because I shouldn't have to pull my eye skin up in order to put eyeliner on.



Hello taking vitamins and supplements.  What?  Now I'm toting around one of those pill organizers and popping pills like tic tacs?



Hello having to explain to younger generations what a certain show or movie you grew up with was about.  "Yeah, there were all these kids who went to a Summer Camp and they got into some real shenanigans at Anawana, I tell you what!"



Hello weird hairs and wrinkles.  Part of my morning routine now is plucking weird sprouts from my chin and discovering hairs where no hair has been before.  Also, my neck looks like an accordion.



Hello spending actual money dollars on things like Tupperware and a food processor.  You wanna know the way I used to process food?  Cramming all the free food on the counter at house parties down my pie hole or shoving the sweet nectar of Gods that is .99 cent tacos from Jack In The Box at 3 a.m. after struggling to sound coherent in the drive-thru.  "No lyettluce on m..may tdaco-ohkey?"
"No ma'am, we will not put a lattice on your Don Quixote."



Hello younger people thinking of me as a frail little animal on my birthdays.  "Awwwww, she made it another year.  I should wish her a Happy Birthday, after all, she may not have much time left."



Hello to gravity no longer applying?  Your skin suddenly turns into this weird mush and all your fat and innards start to sort of just float around you.  Suddenly you're like a walking science experiment.  What is that all about?



Hello to embracing yourself.  Just because you're saying goodbye to some things doesn't mean you'll miss them.  At 30 you've figured yourself out a bit more, you've settled down and you have some life experience.  You know who your true friends are and you're too old for drama and have realized you don't have to deal with it.

I'm thinking 30 looks pretty good on me.

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