Saturday, October 24, 2015

What To Put On Your Mom Resume

After many years working in various Customer Service positions, I decided to hang in the towel temporarily to be a Stay-At-Home Mom. As my child gets older and prepares for Kindergarten, I have been thinking about rejoining the work force and how I'm going to explain that huge gap in my resume. This got me thinking. What would a mother's resume look like? And then hilarity ensued.

Thursday, October 22, 2015

If Moms Were Given Medals

I had the privilege to be raised a "Navy brat" by the most badass old-school sailor ever and I can remember admiring all of the ribbons on my dad's uniform.

Besides having immense pride for our military, my father also instilled in me a great sense of humor and my most favoritest feature, the exquisite ability to cuss like a sailor.

After finally winning the nightly War On Bedtime with my tiny terror, I began to wonder, what types of awards would mothers get?

By no means am I comparing mothers to soldiers. I mean, we have it rough sometimes but c'mon now.

Take a look below, see which ribbons you would be awarded, print them out if you wish and tape them onto your shirt (not that I did that...shit, one of them is stuck to the cat...). Happy laughing, ladies ;)

Tuesday, October 20, 2015

DIY Halloween Garland

When my search for cute Halloween decor started this year, I fell in love with the Halloween garlands I saw in this picture from Wants and Wishes Design

DIY Halloween Garland

The tissue paper pom pom garland especially struck my fancy but I wanted to use some of my craft paper instead of tissue paper to add a little wow factor.

While working with tissue paper is a lot easier, I was successful in creating a beautiful DIY Halloween Tassel/Pom Pom Garland and I'm gonna show you how.

DIY Paper Tassel Halloween Garland
Ain't it purdy?

What You'll Need
  • Craft Paper (I used orange and about three different black and white patterns)
  • Hot glue, regular glue, or tape
  • Scissors
  • Craft string, twine, or yarn
  • Wooden skewer
  • Ruler (although I got away with just eyeing mine)

1. First, you're going to need to figure out how long you want your tassels or pom poms to be. Double the length of your desired tassel, and add about a half inch-inch to that. I wanted my tassels to be cute and small, so I decided on 3 inches and doubled that to about 6 inches.

2. Cut your craft paper the appropriate length using the calculations you did in step one. The width doesn't really matter, in my opinion, the longer, the better because it ends up being less cutting (sorta, you're gonna be doing a looootta cutting).

3. Fold the strip of paper you just cut in half and begin cutting tiny vertical strips in it, leaving about a half-inch of paper below the fold.

DIY Paper Tassel Hallowen garland tutorial

4. Now, you can cut your strips the desired width you'd like. I had to mess around with this quite a bit until I found my desired width. In the beginning I made them far too wide and since we're working with craft paper instead of tissue paper, the thickness can make it difficult to work with so for my garland, I ended up really liking 2-2 1/2 inches wide.

5. Now, unfold your paper and grab your wooden skewer because you're going to use it to roll the paper up. Starting at one side of the paper, fold the edge slightly over the skewer and begin to roll.

DIY paper tassel Halloween garland tutorial

6. When you're finished rolling, pull the skewer out and pinch the middle of the paper tube you just made and then fold the entire thing in half.

DIY paper tassel Halloween garland tutorial

7. Now, you can either continue to do this and make a giant stack of  tassels before attaching them to the string, or you can attach one by one, which is what I did just because I like to make things difficult and I didn't know how many of these babies would get me to my desired garland length. I ended up being able to cover 46 inches of wall space with my garland with just the right amount of slack and have a total of 28 tassels on my garland with an inch in-between each one.

To attach the tassels to the string, you have a choice. I've seen a few different tutorials on how to make these types of garlands and have seen people use hot glue and tape. If I could do this all over again, I would make a pile of pom poms and attach them all at once with hot glue but for the one in this tutorial, I just used clear Elmer's glue. Due to the thickness of the craft paper, this was a bit of a pain in the butt so save yourself the trouble and use tape or hot glue. Simply put a dab of glue where the fold is in each tassel, fold the tassel over the string and pinch until the glue dries.

8. Continue to attach tassels to your string until you get your desired length.

And that's it guys! Yay, you have an adorable Halloween garland!

DIY Halloween Garland

I hope you liked this tutorial, please like, share, and comment below!

Sunday, October 18, 2015

15 Reasons Why Dishes Are The Devil

Do you hate washing dishes and need a reason to procrastinate because you have a sink full of those fuckers right now? Then I've got just the thing for you (I always got your back, boo!).

Okay, I have a dishwasher so I know I shouldn't complain but I'm still convinced that washing dishes is a chore created by the devil.

old advertisement woman doing dirty dishes

Why I hate doing dishes:

1. The smell inside of the dishwasher pre-wash. It stings the nostrils. It reeks of rotting food ghosts.

2. There is always one more cup or spoon. ALWAYS. Aaaalwaaaays.

3. A sink full of dirty dishes instantly makes you look like a hoarder. And it's not something you can easily hide or clean up. Did some unexpected guests just show up? Yeah, you're screwed.

4. It's a bottomless pit and it fills up for no reason! Have to knit a sweater? Somehow you'll end up putting a million dirty cups in the sink.

5. Loading the dishwasher is like Tetris from hell and you'll want to strangle someone if they do it wrong or just differently than you would have.

6. I get physically violent when I can't close the dishwasher or pull out a rack. I have actually gone mental on my dishwasher, an inanimate object, because a cookie sheet kept getting stuck and preventing me from pulling out the dish rack.

slamming door gif how I feel when loading the dishwasher

7. People coming up from behind and throwing dirty dishes in the sink as you're washing. First off, I'm in the dishwashing zone so the loud pang of objects being thrown in the sink scares the shit out of me. Who are you? The Dirty Dish Ninja? Secondly, please sir, may I have another? Are you going to at least rub my ass a little after that spanking?

8. Smell my fingers. After I touch something that's been sitting in the dishwasher, what did you think I meant!?

9. A sink full of dirty dishes is just a nagging reminder that you have cleaning to do.

10. The motherfucking garbage disposal.

11. I'll just let this soak. *Still sitting in the second sink area a week later*

12. Getting gross foodstuffs under your fingernails and then vomiting all over yourself.

13. Splashing water all over your shirt. FML.

14. Someone will call you. Oh yeah, right when your hands are all good and soapy and you're finally making progress with that dried-on spaghetti stain? Someone will decide to call you.
"Are you...mad or something?"
"No mom, I just...I'm doing the dishes."
"Are you sure? It sounds like something is wrong..."

And that's the story of how I decided to start seeing a Therapist.

15. Doing the dishes is a gateway chore. These counters sure are dirty. Now there's crumbs and water on the floor, better sweep and mop. I swept some crumbs onto the carpet, better vacuum. *2 hours later organizing your files* How did this even happen?
Dishes, my friend. Dishes are bitches.


Friday, October 16, 2015

National Be Nice To A Fellow Mom Day

 end the mom wars national be nice to a fellow mom day

Raise your hand if you've ever felt judged by another mom.

When I got pregnant with my son, I knew what I was signing up for (kinda). What I didn't know was that becoming a mother gave other moms (hell, gave everyone, parent or not) full license to judge.

Recent generations not only have to stand being judged in the real world, but online, too. The internet has given people a virtual soap box to express their opinions.

As if moms don't have enough to worry about, we face side-eyes and hushed conversations and pictures of perfect moms with tidy children and articles about how we're not doing things right.

Having a child is one of the best things that can happen to a person, but at times it can be lonely.

I saw this meme the other day and realized we need more compassion and less alienation.

when I see another mom with a screaming toddler in public meme

I have a feeling there are a lot of moms out there who want to connect and be understood, even if that means a genuine smile at the mom in the grocery store with a tantrum-throwing tot.

That's why I want moms everywhere to band together and stop the mom wars for just one day. 

Let's create a holiday where we say and/or do something nice for fellow moms or simply acknowledge each other in a way that is kind. A break from feeling not good enough and maybe making a new friend sounds horrible, right?

Let's make National Be Nice To A Fellow Mom Day a thing. Call your mom friends out on being awesome. Sprinkle happiness around like glitter.

I'm challenging moms everywhere to give and receive a little bit of love because we deserve a freaking break and if anyone can understand that, it's other mommas.

Image Source: NYTimes

Thursday, October 15, 2015

Mommy Cusses Daily LOLZ

funny husband and wife meme washing dishes

Just here to give you your daily LOLZ. Caption is from my own lady brain. 
Image from: Huffington Post 

Alexis And The Terrible, Horrible, Can't Even, WTF Day: A Children's Book Parody

I've been wanting to write a children's book parody for quite some time now and as I was reading this book to my child, I thought, I could totally do a mom version of this. So I did. And, like life, it started out fun and funny and then ended up pretty depressing actually. My next project is going to be coming up with illustrations for these and then sell it for millions (yeah, right, well, I am going to make illustrations). I hope you get a good laugh out of this. Enjoy!

alexander and the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day book parody

I went to sleep without wearing a pad and now there's blood on the sheets and when I got out of bed this morning I stepped on a soggy pee diaper and by mistake I squirted breast milk in the baby's face and all over my work shirt and I could tell it was going to be a terrible, horrible, can't even, WTF day.

At Starbucks, Samantha got an extra shot for free and the foam on Tracy's cappuccino had a heart made out of cinnamon but in my coffee they put regular milk instead of soy.

I think I'll go to the bar.

On the drive to work I got cut off, the semi truck wouldn't let me merge and the lady in front of me in the fast lane going 50 in a 70 wouldn't move. I put my hands up in the air and screamed, "What the fuck!?" as I passed her but she was busy texting.

I could tell it was going to be a terrible, horrible, can't even, WTF day.

At work Mr. Radcliffe liked Greg's pitch better than mine. In the break room he said the coffee I made tasted like shit. When he looked over my reports he said there was $50 worth of expenses unaccounted for. Who cares about $50?  I could tell it was going to be a terrible, horrible, can't even, WTF day.

I could tell because on break, Lindsey texted to say I wasn't going to be one of her bridesmaids anymore.  She said that Jenny told her what I'd said about her when we went out and that I was a sloppy drunk.

Go eat a bag of dicks, I told Lindsey.  I hope you gain fifteen pounds before your wedding.  I only wanted to go because of the open bar.

There were two bagels left in the break room but now they were gone and Haley's husband brought her lunch and fucking Greg got to go eat sushi with Mr. Radcliffe to celebrate his promotion when I thought I was going to get it.

It was a terrible, horrible, can't even, WTF day.

That's what it was, because after work my co-worker talked me into getting pedicures and Kim Cho burned my vagina when I decided to get a Brazilian.  The skin will heal nec week, don' fo git to tip, said Cho.

Nec week, I said, I'm going to the bar. And I'll be paying the tab with my company card again.

On the way to the parking lot, I saw a ticket on my windshield and while I turned to say goodbye to my coworker I saw Lindsey running towards me and I punched her in the throat and then when I was bolting from the Police they tazed me and...

...while I was resisting arrest, Lindsey wouldn't stop running her bitch mouth and my ex fiance walked by and shook his head.

I am having a terrible, horrible, can't even, WTF day, I shouted at the crowd forming. They just recorded me with their phones.

So then we went to the jail.  Lindsey got a restraining order against me.  The crowd got viral YouTube material. I got one phone call.

When my husband came to bail me out he said he couldn't believe he was doing this again and asked what I spent $300 on at Michael's, I told him I forgot.  He also said to watch out for the important paperwork in his car when I got in, and I did but my coffee didn't.  He also said don't check-in at the jail on Facebook but I thought it was funny.  My husband said please don't make him bail me out anymore.

It was a terrible, horrible, can't even, WTF day.  I'm sure someday we'll all look back and laugh.

There was a pube in my Chinese food.

There was nothing good on Netflix so I couldn't chill.

There was a turd in the bathtub, I cut myself shaving, my wedding ring went down the drain, and I had to wear my period panties.  I hate my disgusting period panties.

When I went to bed my toddler was hogging my side and my husband was snoring and there was no blanket left for me so I had to cover up with the fitted sheet.

The dog kept farting in my general direction.

It has been a terrible, horrible, can't even, WTF day.

My therapist says it's because of my childhood.

And I still want to go to the bar.

Saturday, October 10, 2015

The Many Uses Of Wine

While drinking wine is magical, there are many other uses for wine that you may not have thought of.

Brushing Your Teeth

Because it's alcohol and alcohol kills bacteria. Even dentists back this. Wanna make sure those tiny bacteria fuckers are gone? Gargle a couple glasses of the good stuff.


You ran out of deoderant? Well, good thing your wine game is strong. Rub some all over your stanky self.
"But why wouldn't you just take a shower?"
Umm, how about you don't judge my life, mkay?

Faking Crime Scenes

C'mon. We've all seen Gone Girl.

Warding Off Unwanted Visitors

Don't feel like company? Scare people off your property by dribbling blood red wine out of your mouth.

Flame Spitting

Ever wanted to spit flames? Me too! Grab your favorite wine and a flamethrower and get ready to make fireeeeee!

Did you just touch something grody and don't have soap, water, or sanitizer? Just wash your hands in 
wine. You are cleansed!


No, no, no. Not for douching with. Feed this to a douche to make them less douchey.

Does your house smell of funk? Well make it smell like an alcoholic's house also by placing glasses of wine everywhere.

Indeed, this makes an excellent marinade. Drink a glass and let it marinade your soul for an hour or so. You'll feel amazing!

Fruit Fly Trap:
*sigh*  All the fruit flies I've drunk.

Pain Reliever

To use: 21 Years & Up - Drink 8 oz. of wine. Repeat as needed.

Truth Serum

Need to know how someone really feels? Warning, skeletons from closets are thrown out at high velocities.

Vitamin Awesome

Because antioxidants.

Looking Glass:
Stare deep into this liquid and think about what you've done, gypsy.

Friday, October 9, 2015

Mysterious Childhood Ailments

Throughout my career as a mother, I have witnessed and heard tales of certain common yet mysterious childhood ailments. I have taken it upon myself to catalog these ailments in hopes for a cure.

funny and mysterious childhood ailments

The Unquenchable Bedtime Thirst - this phenomenon has been noted by parents all over the world, where children inexplicably become parched after being tucked in.

mysterious childhood ailments unquenchable bedtime thirst
Buttwiping Amnesia - They know how to do it. You know they know but for unknown reasons, and at random times, the piercing whine emits from the bathroom. "Wipe my buuuutt." When prodded about why they can't do it themselves, they claim to have forgotten or not know how.

mysterious childhood ailments buttwiping amnesia
Hand Tourettes - This affliction only presents itself when full cups of liquid are nearby. Everything appears normal, but suddenly, the child's hand loses all control and before you realize what's happening, drink has been spilled everywhere. 

mysterious childhood ailments hand tourettesChocolate Succubus - Any mention of foods other than chocolate will be met with looks of disgust and the child will report not being hungry, however, once chocolate is presented, the child becomes ravenous, caring not for appearance whilst smearing the brown all over their faces and clothes.

mysterious childhood ailments chocolate succubus
Inconvenient Bladder Syndrome - Even if the child has emptied their bladder before leaving, moments after you arrive at an event or for groceries, the child will need to urinate. If no restrooms are available, the child's urgency will almost always be tenfold.

mysterious childhood ailments inconvenient bladder syndrome

Friday, October 2, 2015

The Skeleton In The Closet Day 2

Skeleton In The Closet

the skeleton in the closet day two skeleton in the closet ideas

Looks like Khaos, our skeleton, decided to go swimmin' with the fishes last night but not just any fish. Keep visiting Mommy Cusses for more Skeleton In The Closet ideas and fun!

Thursday, October 1, 2015

The Skeleton In The Closet

It's October 1st which means it's time for The Skeleton In The Closet!

the skeleton in the closet a halloween tradition

I have been Halloween obsessed for forever. I was the creepy little girl hammering scrap wood together to make crosses for the lawn. Halloween is my jam, y'all, so when I found out that there was an Elf on the Shelf for Halloween, you bet your sweet ass I bought one.

*groan* I know, some of you are not fans of things like this, Elf on the Shelf especially (he is super creepy looking) because I remember doing this:

somewhere out there is a hater looking at your pics like this meme

But ya know what? If it makes my son giggle, it's worth it, and I have fun thinking of things to do.

So how does this whole skeleton in the closet thing work? (No, I'm not getting any affiliate perks, I just love this product, okay?) You buy the set that comes with an adorable book that explains everything, just like Elf on the Shelf. Every October 1st, the Skeleton in the Closet rises from the dead, comes out of your child's closet, and begins to trick-or-treat you every day until Halloween night when he/she goes back to the grave.

So obviously, if you're not into things rising from the dead and your kid thinking creepy things are in their closet, this may not be for you. Although the book is beautiful and makes everything very cute and light. My son wants to be a zombie so obviously this isn't a problem in our family.

You get to name your skeleton if you want. My son wanted to name him Jack Skellington but then I remembered that's what he named his elf. So I prodded him again and we finally agreed on Khaos (the super villain from the video game Skylanders).

So now that I've bored you to death, here is what Khaos did on his first day.

Yup, he had a coming out party *badum pshhhhh* I'll be here all week, guys and gals.

If you think this is neat, I'll be taking pics of all the fun shenanigans Khaos will be getting into this month.

I wish it were Halloween everyday.

Vanilla Ice Fried Rice, Baby

gangster kitchen vanilla ice fried rice recipe baby

All right stop, go in your kitchen and listen, cuz Ice is back with an appetizing refreshment. People need to grub every day and nightly. Turn on the stove and I'll cook, do the whole delicious cuisine thing. I fry rice like Rachel Ray, light up the gas stove and I'll show you how to make something tastay. This recipe takes 30 minutes or less, quick to the point and feasible.

Dance...your way to your cupboards, grab these ingredients while I play a melody.

Serves: 6 chumps

  • 3 cups of cooled rice, yo (not ice, ice cool)
  • 12-1 cups of some dope cooking oil
  • 1 medium onion (wax these chumps)
  • 2 stalks of celery (anything less would be a felony)
  • 2 carrots (slice like a ninja)
  • 1 cup frozen peas
  • 3 eggs (beaten yo)
  • 14-12 cups of soy sauce (however much gets you pumpin')
  • pepper
If there's a problem and you don't have some of this stuff, yo, I'll solve it, roll to the grocery store with the ragtop down in your 5.0.

This recipe doesn't call for any ice, ice, baby.

Take Heed:

1. Put your oil in large non-stick skillet and slam on the gas.
2. Add your onion, celery, and carrots now that the party is jumpin'
3. Saute until onions are ice, ice transparent and carrots are crisp and tender.
4. Add peas and cook until peas are nimble.
5. Push veggies to one side of skillet, because I'm on a roll and it's time to go solo

Ice Ice Baby Vanilla, Ice Ice Baby Vanilla
Ice Ice Baby Vanilla, Ice Ice Baby Vanilla 

6. Scramble eggs in empty side of skillet to a souped up tempo.
7. Mix eggs into veggies and season with pepper. Keep on pursuing to the next step.
8. Add soy sauce to make it hype.
9. Then slowly mix in rice by the spoonful, grain to grain until the skillet is packed.
10. Cooking yummies like a pound of bacon.

I go crazy when I hear that sizzle after the oil pops cuz you turned up the tempo.

If my rice was a drug, I'd sell it by the gram. Fry it so fast other cooks say, "Damn!"

Yo, man, let's get out of here! Word to your mother!

vanilla ice fried rice recipe card

Want more Gangster Kitchen recipes? Of course you do! How about some Ying Yang Fried Chicken?


Funny Definition Of Mom Memes

funny mom memes definition of mom

Part 1 in the Definition Of Mom series.