Sunday, October 18, 2015

15 Reasons Why Dishes Are The Devil

Washing Dishes is the Gotdamned Worst

Do you hate washing dishes and need a reason to procrastinate because you have a sink full of those fuckers right now? Then I've got just the thing for you (I always got your back, boo!).

Okay, I have a dishwasher so I know I shouldn't complain but I'm still convinced that washing dishes is a chore created by the devil.

Why I hate doing dishes:

1. The smell inside of the dishwasher pre-wash. It stings the nostrils. It reeks of rotting food ghosts.

2. There is always one more cup or spoon. ALWAYS. Aaaalwaaaays.

3. A sink full of dirty dishes instantly makes you look like a hoarder. And it's not something you can easily hide or clean up. Did some unexpected guests just show up? Yeah, you're screwed.

4. It's a bottomless pit and it fills up for no reason! Have to knit a sweater? Somehow you'll end up putting a million dirty cups in the sink.

5. Loading the dishwasher is like Tetris from hell and you'll want to strangle someone if they do it wrong or just differently than you would have.

6. I get physically violent when I can't close the dishwasher or pull out a rack. I have actually gone mental on my dishwasher, an inanimate object, because a cookie sheet kept getting stuck and preventing me from pulling out the dish rack.

slamming door gif how I feel when loading the dishwasher

7. People coming up from behind and throwing dirty dishes in the sink as you're washing. First off, I'm in the dishwashing zone so the loud pang of objects being thrown in the sink scares the shit out of me. Who are you? The Dirty Dish Ninja? Secondly, please sir, may I have another? Are you going to at least rub my ass a little after that spanking?

8. Smell my fingers. After I touch something that's been sitting in the dishwasher, what did you think I meant!?

9. A sink full of dirty dishes is just a nagging reminder that you have cleaning to do.

10. The motherfucking garbage disposal.

11. I'll just let this soak. *Still sitting in the second sink area a week later*

12. Getting gross foodstuffs under your fingernails and then vomiting all over yourself.

13. Splashing water all over your shirt. FML.

14. Someone will call you. Oh yeah, right when your hands are all good and soapy and you're finally making progress with that dried-on spaghetti stain? Someone will decide to call you.
"Are you...mad or something?"
"No mom, I just...I'm doing the dishes."
"Are you sure? It sounds like something is wrong..."

And that's the story of how I decided to start seeing a Therapist.

15. Doing the dishes is a gateway chore. These counters sure are dirty. Now there's crumbs and water on the floor, better sweep and mop. I swept some crumbs onto the carpet, better vacuum. *2 hours later organizing your files* How did this even happen?
Dishes, my friend. Dishes are bitches.


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