Thursday, October 15, 2015

Alexis And The Terrible, Horrible, Can't Even, WTF Day: A Children's Book Parody

I've been wanting to write a children's book parody for quite some time now and as I was reading this book to my child, I thought, I could totally do a mom version of this. So I did. And, like life, it started out fun and funny and then ended up pretty depressing actually. My next project is going to be coming up with illustrations for these and then sell it for millions (yeah, right, well, I am going to make illustrations). I hope you get a good laugh out of this. Enjoy!

alexander and the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day book parody

I went to sleep without wearing a pad and now there's blood on the sheets and when I got out of bed this morning I stepped on a soggy pee diaper and by mistake I squirted breast milk in the baby's face and all over my work shirt and I could tell it was going to be a terrible, horrible, can't even, WTF day.

At Starbucks, Samantha got an extra shot for free and the foam on Tracy's cappuccino had a heart made out of cinnamon but in my coffee they put regular milk instead of soy.

I think I'll go to the bar.

On the drive to work I got cut off, the semi truck wouldn't let me merge and the lady in front of me in the fast lane going 50 in a 70 wouldn't move. I put my hands up in the air and screamed, "What the fuck!?" as I passed her but she was busy texting.

I could tell it was going to be a terrible, horrible, can't even, WTF day.

At work Mr. Radcliffe liked Greg's pitch better than mine. In the break room he said the coffee I made tasted like shit. When he looked over my reports he said there was $50 worth of expenses unaccounted for. Who cares about $50?  I could tell it was going to be a terrible, horrible, can't even, WTF day.

I could tell because on break, Lindsey texted to say I wasn't going to be one of her bridesmaids anymore.  She said that Jenny told her what I'd said about her when we went out and that I was a sloppy drunk.

Go eat a bag of dicks, I told Lindsey.  I hope you gain fifteen pounds before your wedding.  I only wanted to go because of the open bar.

There were two bagels left in the break room but now they were gone and Haley's husband brought her lunch and fucking Greg got to go eat sushi with Mr. Radcliffe to celebrate his promotion when I thought I was going to get it.

It was a terrible, horrible, can't even, WTF day.

That's what it was, because after work my co-worker talked me into getting pedicures and Kim Cho burned my vagina when I decided to get a Brazilian.  The skin will heal nec week, don' fo git to tip, said Cho.

Nec week, I said, I'm going to the bar. And I'll be paying the tab with my company card again.

On the way to the parking lot, I saw a ticket on my windshield and while I turned to say goodbye to my coworker I saw Lindsey running towards me and I punched her in the throat and then when I was bolting from the Police they tazed me and...

...while I was resisting arrest, Lindsey wouldn't stop running her bitch mouth and my ex fiance walked by and shook his head.

I am having a terrible, horrible, can't even, WTF day, I shouted at the crowd forming. They just recorded me with their phones.

So then we went to the jail.  Lindsey got a restraining order against me.  The crowd got viral YouTube material. I got one phone call.

When my husband came to bail me out he said he couldn't believe he was doing this again and asked what I spent $300 on at Michael's, I told him I forgot.  He also said to watch out for the important paperwork in his car when I got in, and I did but my coffee didn't.  He also said don't check-in at the jail on Facebook but I thought it was funny.  My husband said please don't make him bail me out anymore.

It was a terrible, horrible, can't even, WTF day.  I'm sure someday we'll all look back and laugh.

There was a pube in my Chinese food.

There was nothing good on Netflix so I couldn't chill.

There was a turd in the bathtub, I cut myself shaving, my wedding ring went down the drain, and I had to wear my period panties.  I hate my disgusting period panties.

When I went to bed my toddler was hogging my side and my husband was snoring and there was no blanket left for me so I had to cover up with the fitted sheet.

The dog kept farting in my general direction.

It has been a terrible, horrible, can't even, WTF day.

My therapist says it's because of my childhood.

And I still want to go to the bar.

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