Wednesday, December 30, 2015

How To Do Laundry In 11 (Not So)Easy Steps

Laundry, ugh, I break out in hives just thinking about the epic shit storm that this chore consists of.

But we mustn't look like a bunch of hobos so laundry is a necessary evil. Unless you're a husband. Then, you just drop socks and underwear all over the effing place and they magically appear all clean and folded in your drawer.

So how does one do the laundry? It's a very complicated 11-ish step process, at least in my homestead. Gather 'round, folks, and witness the lazy housewife's plight:

funny how to do laundry
This is an example of what I don't look like on laundry day

Wednesday, December 23, 2015

Home Alone 2: How Much Did The McCallister's Christmas Vacation Cost?

"Someone actually figured out how much the Christmas vacation/s on Home Alone 2 cost? They need to get a life!" Ah, I love the smell of being judged. But you know what? Yes I did.  You're welcome. And don't try to act like you're not the least bit curious.

Friday, December 4, 2015

Mommy Raps

I've written a lot of stuff as a Freelancer, but one of my favorites by far was re-writing rap songs into "proper English" on a site called Rap Translator. Ah yes, I'm just adding to my wholesome image, aren't I? Anywho, I decided to call upon my impeccable rap translating skills only this time I decided to Mommify the famous rap song Gin and Juice by one of my favorites, Snoop Dogg. Enjoy!

I can't explain why it feels so good to be a gangster meme

[Mom trying to pee in peace]
Mom, mooooom, mommy!
Seriously, get your fingers out from under the door
Hey, baby, hey,, go get some animal crackers
Calm down, calm down child
With so much drama in this H-O-U-S-E
It's kinda hard being M-O- double M...Y (wait, that doesn't rhyme)
But I, somehow, some way
Keep coming up with fun activities every single day
May I (why, yes, you may!), cook a little something for the kids (yeah)
and, run a few errands as (yeah!) I cruise, through town
Three in the afternoon and cartoons are still on
'cause my spouse ain't home
I got a kid in the living room throwing a tantrum
and, he ain't going to bed until eight at night (eight at night)
So what you wanna do, shooooot
I got a sink full of dishes and my dishwasher is full
So turn off the lights and close the doors
"But...." (what's wrong?) , "You didn't put my night light on." Oh yeah!
Now I'm gonna have a Netflix marathon
Feet up, Frozen off, while you kiddos snooze

Sitting on the couch, watching TV, sippin' on boxed wine
Laid back (with my mind on Real Housewives and Real Housewives on my mind)

Now that I baked me some chocolate cake
Everybody's got their plastic forks but they haven't chipped in
Now this type of stuff happens all the time
You get yours all the time, but son, I need to get my sugar high
Everything is fine when you're listening to "Let it go"
As I take my Starbucks drink to the middle of the lawn
and get to talking to a new neighbor named Brittany (Or was it Nicole?)
She used to date my best friend's husband (Uh oh)
Eighty degrees, when I say "Bye Felisha"
Get your hands up off my home made muffins, 'cause you can't have any of these
Girl please, as I chat with idk my BFF Jill, feel the breeze
Fake beach (sand), I'm just

Sitting on the couch, watching TV, sippin' on boxed wine
Laid back (with my mind on Real Housewives and Real Housewives on my mind)

Later on that day
My friend came over for a play date
And her new babay, diaper full of poo and spit up on my shoes
Dude, that's no joke
I had to back away and put the child down
Formula and...peas?  Yeah, I feel sick now
But there's no stopping, I'm still going
My friend brought some froyo from the neighborhood Target
After I eat I'm changing into my yoga pants and taking a nap
Don't get upset girl, you know that's just how it goes
I love you but you gotta go
Because I need to be

Sitting on the couch, watching TV, sippin' on boxed wine
Laid back (with my mind on Real Housewives and Real Housewives on my mind)

Now wasn't that spiffy? What rap songs do you wanna hear me Mommify, yo?

Tuesday, December 1, 2015

Facebook Emojis I Wish Existed

"If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all." I know, I know. But emojis were created so that we can say things without teeechnically saying things. Still, sometimes you see posts on social media that you just don't know how to respond to or deserve something besides a thumbs up.

Well, gather 'round, boys and girls *slams fist on table* because as usual, I have put something amazingly useless together for your entertainment: Facebook Emojis I Wish Existed.