We've all seen them. Those cute monthly updates from friends and family documenting all the new and exciting things their baby is doing alongside an adorable photo and stats on their development. Smiling, developing a personality, sitting unsupported, crawling, all those incredible and share-worthy milestones. Usually the whole thing stops by their first birthday. But what if they didn't?
Here's what we would see if parents continued to keep track of their children's stats passed the age of 1.
2. 104 Weeks Old
"terrible two's" are upon us *sigh*. Little guy loves telling us
"no-no" and sharting himself in protest to things he doesn't like.
to walk. Says "mine" a lot. Allergic to sharing and if forced to do so,
breaks out in whines. Discovered electrical outlets and electricity as a
result. There must be something about the oddly emoji-like holes.
Speaking of holes, he plays a mean door stopper while I'm trying to
poop. Thubububwubayub, a-thwubububububayub.
Pretends to order pizza on the phone and then glance at me triumphantly like he's done me the favor of favors just like his dad.
destruction satisfying and breaks everything within his chubby arm's
reach. Good thing I wasn't too attached to those fancy frames (they were
just extravagant wedding gifts, afterall) with pictures of fr...friend?
fronds? No, that doesn't sound right but I can't remember the word.
since I became a mother I've been drawn to this red liquid in the
liquor section at the grocery store. I think I'm gonna try some out
3. 156 Weeks Old
The three's are just as terrible if not more-so than the two's.
to talk a lot now, need to watch my potty mouth because he just
hollered "WTF" repeatedly while I was ordering at the drive-thru.
Adorable. Speaking of potty, little Jimmy pissed on his Fisher Price
barn today which was literally 2 feet away from the new Sing, Dance,
Spin you Cotton Candy and Gift you a Pony Elmo potty we got him.
spent an hour cooking those cauliflower tots Pinterest swears my picky
eater will think are potatoes but he just aggressively side-eyed me.
I've gained 5 lbs eating all the food he refuses and I cry a lot.
not sleeping through the night. I oftentimes find him standing next to
my bed at 3 a.m. completely silent and still. He'd make a great actor
for Children of the Corn or something. Does the Y offer acting classes?
Turns out that red stuff is called wine and my pantry a.k.a wine cellar is almost empty.
4. 208 Weeks Old
anyone at the store wants to know where the snack aisle went, it's at
my house now. I could cook my child a 5 star meal and he'd still say he
wasn't hungry and then insist on having a snack.
Preschool which is both a blessing and a curse. A blessing because I get
three hours three times a week to kill brain cells in peace or walk
around Target aimlessly. A curse because I have to put on pants to drop
him off and he says fun things like "whatever" now. Every other month we
get to bring home the class pet. The class pet is Swine Flu.
sentences for days. I don't remember what quiet sounds like. Loves to
fart directly in my eyes but on the plus side, I get to see the world
through rose colored retinas now. It burns. Has a fascination with
buttholes and touches his penis non-stop.
Has deep, meaningful conversations about each and every Skylander character but will not tell me what he did at school.
a picture that looks like a brutal murder scene. Like those drawings
you see in horror films. I'm watching him through the cracks of my
closet right now and he's making blood spatter patterns using red finger
paints. So artistic.
Speaking of red, the garage a.k.a my wine cellar is almost empty.
5. 260 Weeks Old
is my son's preferred method of travel. Remember that whole teaching
him to speak thing I did the first three years of his life? Well, now if
I say a word wrong he corrects me with the snooty disdain of a College
Likes to ask questions at the rate of 1,000 per hour, many of them causing me to question my own existence.
his own playdates now. To be on his friends list you must enjoy fart
noises and Minecraft. Enjoys sticking his hand up animal carcasses and
giving them voices. Puppets, I'm talking about puppets.
Sings a death metal cover of Paw Patrol.
Parades around in superhero masks with foam swords and shoots at the cat with Nerf guns.
out my fat which is great for my self-esteem. Has learned negotiating
skills. I got to clean goldfish crackers off the floor "all by myself"
which is a privilege judging from his tone, while he "will just drink
his juice." I'm beginning to wonder if his ethics are morally sound.
And that's as far as we've gotten but I'm sure Kindergarten will bring about a whole new shitstorm to behold.
of shitstorm, I hope the backyard a.k.a my vineyard doesn't get
destroyed because I could sure use a glass right about now.
Now let's all do a yearly stats update on our significant others. You go first.