Thursday, March 9, 2017

How To Be The Perfect Mom




how to be the perfect mom

Hi, I'm Perfect Mom, nice to formally meet you. You actually know me quite well because I live inside your head. You've assembled me from women you see on TV, Pinterest, and your social media. I am the perceptions that you bully yourself with. I fill you with guilt and doubt and make you question if you do enough, if you are enough.
It just so happens I have some time to spare between my anal bleaching appointment and our weekly family fun night, so I thought I'd tell you a little bit about what it takes to be, well, perfect.

First thing's first. You can't be perfect without letting everyone know about it, so make sure you have the latest, trendiest smartphone and every single social media platform.
Next, you're going to need to ramp up your selfie game. I know what you're thinking, what does this have to do with being the perfect mom? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Extra points if you are touching your hair for no apparent reason.
Okay, so you know those totally normal things other parents do, like allow their kids to play with electronics, eat sweets and fast food? Yeah, you don't do that. Not only don't you eat fast food, you eat organic, non GMO, free range, and locally grown only. If you don't pluck your herbs, fruits, and veggies from your very own garden you're basically a monster.
Being perfect means you own the very best of everything. If your diaper bag (which is literally meant to store shit while you're on the go) isn't designer, what are you even doing with your life?
Take a giant dump all over your friends and the world's child population by declaring your child THE cutest, smartest, or just best in general. EVER.
Stay on top of all household chores and errands and keep a home that is always ready for a Better Homes and Gardens cover shoot.
Snap flawless pictures of you and your smiling, laughing children often to give the impression that bad days aren't normal and definitely don't happen to you. Isn't life grand?
Wear hats and scarves and accessories that are completely unnecessary all the time. Yoga pants and being frumpy are for lazy slobs.
Fill every moment of your day with some sort of craft, project, or family outing. TV, cuddles, down time, and allowing the children to entertain themselves is lazy parenting.
Talk about how easy everything comes to you and yours. Don't worry about friends or family with kids who have difficulties or struggle to hit milestones.
Post pictures of every single meal you cook because you're never tired, order out, or just don't effing feel like it.
Rave about how easily all your pregnancy weight came off after a mere two weeks. You just snapped back and can wear the same jeans you did in High School.
Flirt with your significant other online and hint at your amazing sex life. You just can't believe how incessantly happy you are. After all, you couldn't express all that love through a simple text message.
And really, that's all there is to it! As long as you're deliriously happy all the time, fit, well-dressed, trendy, hands on, energetic, a bombshell, and obnoxious, you're golden.
I don't know about you, but I'm exhausted just thinking about having to do/be all the things we've been brainwashed into thinking perfection is. I'm perfectly happy being beautifully flawed and winging motherhood one chaotic moment to the next. Here's to being just okayish.