Wednesday, April 6, 2016

How To Make A Murdered Meal



You're pumped! You found a promising recipe on Pinterest that received rave reviews and you're ready to treat your family's taste buds to a culinary masterpiece. Then about halfway through you realize this entire endeavor is a catastrophic mistake.

You're murdering this meal and not in the good way. File this one under Fail.


Ingredients
Nothing you have in your pantry and something you can't pronounce that needs to be special ordered from an oracle in Nigeria.

Prep time
Hahahahaha!

Directions
1. Pick some nice, long, thick zucchinis from your stupid garden or preferably, a crowded grocery store while making barely audible sex noises.

2. Gather all your ingredients together, discover you forgot to buy the $10 spice you've never heard of until reading this recipe and shrug. How important are spices even?

3. Have a virgin milk a grass-fed cow raised in the Himalaya's and make your own cottage cheese. If you can't, because you're a bastard, store-bought is fine. *Aggressively side-eyes you*

4. Circumcise your zuchinis.

5. Tediously salt, wait, and blot your zucchini slices with a paper towel while earning the Native-American name Sighs-A-Lot.

6. Guess a number between 300 and 400 and preheat your oven to that many degrees.

7. While the oven is preheating, take the block of ground beef ice you forgot to defrost out of the freezer and begin browning it in a large pan. 

7 1/2. Take a brief moment to appreciate this meme:
8. Once oven is preheated, place the sheet of filet-of-phallic-veg in oven and bake just long enough to dry them out a bit. Watch closely.

9. Get sidetracked by that funny Buzzfeed post. Open the oven when you smell burning.

10. Pick the zucchini foreskins off of the baking sheet.

11. Empty out random cans and jars with pictures of tomatoes on them into your cow crumbles.

12. Find a small trash bin and begin layering mangled pieces of zucchini, meat charcoal tomato slop, cheese, and cottage cheese. Toss in your hopes and dreams too while you're at it.

13. Bake for one of your child's run-on-sentence stories minutes long.

14. Remove.

15. Cry. A lot.

 For more food-related hilarity, check out some recipes from my Gangster Kitchen section to see how Vanilla Ice or the Ying Yang Twins would cook.