Saturday, August 6, 2016

How I Potty Trained My Newborn In 6 Easy Steps

How I Potty Trained my Newborn in 6 Easy Steps satire parent humor mommy cusses

Shortly after learning that I was pregnant, I decided to lead a more natural life. I traveled to the hills of Nebraska and found a large team of wild horses who took me under their hooves.

I learned so much during my time with them, and before I knew it I was naked on all fours, hovering over a pile of hay. As my baby crowned, I took off on a trot to help him come out. After lapping placenta off of him, I nuzzled him onto all fours, which prompted him to pass his first meconium poop. I knew right then and there that he was ready to be potty trained.

Many parents have been living under the misguided assumption that their offspring need to be 2 or 3 before they can successfully be potty trained, and to that I say, “NEIGH!” Equine Americans have been practicing Baby-Led Shitting successfully for centuries. Babies can be potty trained the moment they are born. They literally were born ready.

Want to know how a newborn can be potty trained with just 6 easy steps? Read on if you’re not a terrible parent, or don’t and just know that you’re wrong. Have fun with all that diaper rash and social conformity.



1) First things first: You need to teach your child to associate peeing and pooping with a certain sound.
At first I tried clapping a couple of hooves from a dead horse together, but my son didn’t take to it. Eventually, my spirit guides told me a high-trilling neigh was best. Every time your baby has a bowel movement, you need to repeat your signal.

2) Now, you need to learn your baby’s special way of telling you that they have to go.
Study their facial features, body movements, and any sounds they make. Many babies will look like a really concerned potato while grunting and/or whispering through their bottoms (or “farting” as imbecilic mouth breathers like to call it).

3) Since your newborn is unable to gallop just yet, you must ‘Hi-Ho, Silver’ and bring their special defecating urn to them.
Many that practice HS (horse shitting) use special, hand-crafted bowls, urns, or vases made out of breast milk, Play-Doh, hay, and horse hair. What’s the most natural way to clean the filth off of my child’s butt and genitals? Have you ever seen a horse use toilet paper? No, because they learned years ago that hooves are incapable of grasping onto toilet tissue. So, what do they do? They flick their majestic tails against their bung and wait for the next rain to wash the poo out. Don’t have access to horse tails? I crafted my very own baby flicking stick out of Barbie hair. You can get really creative using Barbie hair — wipes that are multicolored, glittery, change colors when soiled. The creators over at Mattel are geniuses.
4) As soon as your child signals having to go, you need to act with the quickness. 
The first poo is sacred and should be preserved in their sun-dried birth sac. Oh, you didn’t keep yours, stitch it together with umbilical cord strips, and bake it in the sun? Tell us all about that in the comment section below so that we may chastise you.
5) It may take a few times for you to grow accustomed to your infant’s signals and all-knowing powers, so don’t be discouraged.
If it happens too often, though, some find it cathartic to flog themselves naked under a full moon. A missed poo is never a baby’s fault; it’s the embodiment of all your failures and shortcomings. Continue bringing your baby his pooping shrine until he is old enough to crawl. Reward your baby every time they pee or poop in the potty with homemade quinoa chews.

6) Once your baby can crawl, all you have to do is install a doggy door so she can go outside when nature calls.
That’s it! You are now the proud new owner of a free range pooper. Watch with admiration as your child crawls around the yard, dropping bombs next to your kale garden. (Make sure to check out our recipe for DIY grass-fed baby fertilizer.)

“What’s your secret ingredient?” your guests will ask at your next outdoor BBQ. To which you’ll reply, “Shit. This corn was coated with our newborn’s shit.”