After reading the rave reviews for this product and downing a few glasses of wine, I finally decided that it was time to drop this wish list item into my shopping cart and make it a reality.
At checkout, I carefully selected my desired options, summoned up every ounce of courage, and clicked ORDER.
Buyer’s remorse quickly set in. What was I doing? Was I ready? Did I truly want this? But as soon as the confirmation e-mail popped up in my inbox, I was ecstatic.
The description of this item states that it takes “nine months” after the purchase date for it to arrive, so I prepared myself for the wait. I checked in on the status messages of my order obsessively: “We have received your order,” “Processing your order,” and then finally, “Preparing your order for shipment.”
Nine months came and went and I was still sans package. After calling Customer Service, I found out that the process is more like 10 months. What. The. Fuck.
Then one morning, I received the text: Your package is out for delivery.
I’d been given an oddly vague window for when to expect my package, “It could either happen any moment now, or it could be here later in the evening. Mmmaybe even early tomorrow morning.”
I paced back and forth in front of my door, eager for the beeping of a delivery truck backing in with my precious cargo.
My heart dropped down into my ass and I felt like I had to poop.
Once the truck backed in, the delivery guy went to work, carefully positioning my crate on the lift gate. “Farther. Scoot down farther. Farther, until you feel my hand.” A mover guided the crate until it was hovering dangerously over the breezy unknown.
After slathering his hands with Crisco, the delivery man invited a horde of other people who'd assembled in my driveway to do the same. The mover, a pizza delivery guy, a homeless man I once gave $5 to, all lubed up and proceeded to shove their hands inside my delicate box like they were stuffing a Thanksgiving turkey. It was like the ending of The Wizard of Oz and I was Dorothy. “And you, and you, and you, and you were there!”
A team of Polynesians formed at the back of the truck and began performing battle cries as the delivery man lowered the gate.
The equipment began to seize, so the delivery man had to begin manually pulling at the box. That’s when the bottom of my box blew out. I’m not sure why the manufacturer packed my item in cherry filling, but soon the street below resembled a pie eating contest gone awry.
Speaking entirely in tongues now, the Polynesians had been joined by the entire town. Spotlights were being shone on my box, helicopters were hovering overhead, a cowboy rode past twirling a lasso, someone even rolled up a Jumbo Tron at some point. My box just sat there, splayed open for all to see its contents.
The delivery man did all he could, but eventually had to use Jaws of Life to loosen my package from the gate.
One final heave-ho, and my package was out safe. The only thing still tethering it to the truck was a thick magician’s ribbon. The Mayor hopped out of the back of the truck and handed a pair of scissors to my husband. It was like the Grand Opening of a Texas Chainsaw Massacre themed spaghetti restaurant. Paparazzi jumped out of the bushes to snap pictures of my husband and product, meanwhile my box just sat there like a busted piñata as village orphans poked at it with sticks.
The delivery man tried re-assembling my box to no avail. Like trying to put toothpaste back into the tube. Messy and pretty sad, mostly. He ended up just covering it with toilet paper and wrapping it up in a weird elastic mesh garb.
Though I’d selected the gift wrapping option complete with an elegant silk ribbon like I’d seen in another reviewer’s photo, my package came in a potato sack.
I untied the drawstring and to my dismay, my product’s switch was stuck on scream mode instead of “delightful snoozing cherub.”
Before leaving, the delivery man forced me to do unspeakable things prior to taking my signature and departing. I was forced to fart and pee in his presence like a feral animal.
The manual and parts that came with this product were basically useless as none of the tools fit, so set-up was a complete nightmare. Every time I ask a question in the Customer Service forum I get screamed at in the comments and the accessories I purchased beforehand aren’t even compatible with this model.
Nothing went according to plan and I have been exhausted by this entire process.