Monday, November 21, 2016

"Why Do Moms?" Google Autocomplete

why do moms do what they do?



Google’s autocomplete feature is one that garners some handy and hilarious results. If you aren’t familiar with this feature, it’s where Google offers search suggestions based off whatever words you begin to type into the search bar. These suggestions are things that people have actually typed in, and they’re usually the more popular searches.

I decided to have a little fun with Google autocomplete with: Why do moms.

These were Google’s top search suggestions:
Why do moms get fat
Why do moms yell all the time
Why do moms kiss their babies
Why do moms hate their daughters
Why do moms yell

I’M NOT YELLING. YOU’RE YELLING!

Since these are questions that actual people have pondered enough to consult Google, I thought, who better to answer these seekers of knowledge than a mom? 

So, let’s get to it.


Why do moms get fat?
First and foremost, because we decided to become a human Krang from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles for 9+ months. We fell pregnant and allowed an angry, wrinkly alien to inhabit our bodies and dictate our lives. Secondly, because exercise tends to take a backseat when you’re trying to keep another person from self-harming. Self-harm is a child’s sole mission in life. Thirdly, we’re fucking tired. Tired, I say! We answer questions, force our children into submission so we can clothe their supple, stretchmark-less bodies, and torture them with food and drink necessary for their survival. Fourthly, we have become human garbage disposals. Our spirit animal is the raccoon, pilfering partially chewed scraps directly above the trash can or waiting until after bedtime to shovel food into our mouths under the cloak of night.

Why do moms yell all the time?
Because. Stop smacking mommy in the face. Because. Put that down, sweetie. Because. Yes, I’m aware that cats have buttholes. Because, because, because, because, becauuuuuuse. If a mom says anything, anywhere, ever, and no one gives a shit, what time does she start drinking?

Contrary to popular belief, moms don’t enjoy yelling. Especially not all the time. The reason we yell all the time is because we have kids. All. Of. The. Time. Because our lives are full of constant noise and chaos, this is the minimum volume we must achieve in order to survive. Also, children are like dogs and a mother’s scream is like a dog whistle. Except you keep blowing and blowing and your kid doesn’t look up. Until you open a bag of chips.

Why do moms kiss their babies
Motherhood is a special kind of masochism in that we will deal with all manner of abuse just to get baby hugs, cuddles, smiles, and laughter. We kiss our babies because they bring us the most indescribable happiness. We kiss our babies because we’re in love and we don’t care who knows it. Until you are a parent, the pure love of a mother for her child is something you cannot fully fathom. Also, because we are witches and children are delicious, now get in my oven!

Why do moms hate their daughters?
Maybe because they have lustrous hair, high metabolisms, thigh gaps, and collagen. Maybe because girls are masters at the art of epic mindfuckery. Maybe because you should be in bed right now instead of dicking around on Google, Dianna, you have school in the morning. But, since you’re up, I’m going to the store in a sec, do you need anything?

Why do moms breastfeed?
Because we just really like the feeling of our nipples being gummed. Come on, people. Because, like any other being with teats, we're trying to keep our children alive with our boob juice. Plain and simple.

I hope this has been helpful. This reminds me, I need to Google: How to get a wine stain out of your adult onesie.