Thursday, December 8, 2016

Momified Parodies Of Your Favorite Christmas Songs

Mommy Cusses funny parent parodies of Christmas songs

It’s that time of the year again. The smell of gingerbread, cocoa, and peppermint is in the air and everyone’s getting into the Christmas spirit.

For parents, the holidays come with their very own set of challenges. Some got roped into the Elf on the Shelf shit show, some are trying to keep the ruse of Santa alive, Pinterest moms are making the rest of us feel inadequate with all their effing crafts and holiday decor.

Many of us have been teaching our children what the meaning of this holiday is all about through stories and carols. And while we’re trying to make childhoods magical, we’re low key losing our goddamned minds over the pressures that come with the Holiday Season: Christmas shopping, dealing with extended family, our kids insisting on clumping all the ornaments on a single tree branch. Somebody pass me the spiked egg nog, stat.

If you’re in need of some comic relief, I’ve got you covered with a couple momified parodies of some of your favorite X-mas songs.


I'm dreaming of my pre-baby body
Like the perky ass I used to flaunt
Before stretchmarks that glisten and hair on my chin
And loose skin on my lower abdomen

I'm dreaming of my pre-baby body
With every single pound I gain
My husband dropped five pounds by not drinking soda
I gained three looking at chocolate in a magazine

I'm dreaming of my pre-baby body
Like the supple breasts I used to own
When my skin wasn’t wrinkly
And my thighs didn’t sound like thunder and lightning when they touch

I'm dreaming of my pre-baby body
With every single carb I eat
Timehop on Facebook defies me with slender selfies
But I can still wear workout clothing and no one will ever be the wiser


I’m really not tired - Baby it's time for bed
I've got to go potty again - Baby cut that shit out
This episode of Caillou has been – Been a complete shitastrophy, now let me tuck you in
As fun to watch the fifth time in a row – I really hate that effing kid

I might have bad dreams – Please just go to sleep
My stuffed animals might get cold – I’m pretty sure that’s not even a thing
So really I'd better stay awake – Mommy’s about to lose her shit
Can I have some more water – No chance in hell, I’m not waking up at 3 to change your sheets

Does the moon have a heartbeat? – I really need a drink
Say, do worms have teeth? – No, because they don’t need them to feast on the souls of children who don’t sleep
I wish I knew how – Let’s play the “How Long Can You Keep Your Eyes Closed” now
To count to infinity – Why don’t you try while counting sheep

My favorite word is no, no, no – Before kids, this is the time I’d be heading out to go to the clubs
Can you read me another story? – Once upon a time, you weren’t even listening, so everyone in the book dies, The End
I’m really hungry – My sanity is wearing thin
Ah, but it's time for bed

My eyes feel heavy – Dear God, finally
Did I hear Daddy open some chips? – Dammit, what is this, amateur hour?
You’re the best mommy ever – Those words make everything worth it
I peed on the cat – It’s all right, she needed a bath

I have a huge project due tomorrow – Wine should drown my sorrows
I said I’d bring sugar-free cupcakes – I’m pretty sure that’s an oxy moron
I forgot my lovey downstairs – Of course you did
Ah, but it's time for bed
Oh, mommy, I’m not even tired

From my family to yours, we wish you a margarita. Or three.

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