The Holidays are here and spouses are scrambling to figure out what to get their significant others. It’s not like they wouldn’t be in this pickle if they’d just opened their motherfucking ears as we dropped hints throughout the year or anything, but I digress.
Because I’m in a giving mood (no, no, zip your pants up, not that kind of giving. That’s your wish list, not mine), I’ve decided to compile a list of things you could give the woman who obliterated her body to give your offspring life. Totally nbd. But that’s not all, these items all have one thing in common; they won’t cost you a single penny.
Here are 9 totally free things you could give us moms:
1. A trip to the store by myself
I don’t remember what it’s like to maneuver a shopping cart that doesn’t have hands and legs flailing out of it. Grabbing at snacks on the shelves like a Gremlin that got sprayed with the produce sprinklers. Sure, bringing the kids saves us money in the end by ensuring I’m in and out in record time but, dammit, don’t act like you don’t appreciate that salt rock lamp I bought last time I was sans children.
2. Clothes IN the hamper
Not on the floor 2 feet away. Not hanging on the sides. Not wadded up in little piles like an annoying ass Easter Egg Hunt for adults that makes my head pulse until it eventually implodes on my sixth “find.”
3. A toothpaste/hairless sink
I literally do not understand what is so hard about this one. Brushing your teeth and shaving is not a complicated process. You do your thang, and then once you’re done, you simply wash the remnants down the drain. You know, with the contraption that dispenses water directly above said sink. If you’ve got a particularly pesky dollop of toothpaste or shaving cream, you can rub your finger on it and I promise you, it will go away. But for some reason, people insist on letting that shit collect over time like fucking stalactites. I do not need any more adventure in my cleaning routine. I do not desire to go spelunking.
4. A date. Without you
I’m so sorry, I know this sounds terrible. It’s just that sometimes I drown underneath all this motherdom and spousery. Spending time by myself or with my closest friends help me to remember who I was. The version of me that used to unknowingly flash traffic by doing cartwheels in a dress outside the bar. The version of me that said things other than “tee-tee” “poopoo” “boogies” “binky” “lovey” “naptime” and “Please stop elbowing Mommy in the tit.”
5. To take a shower like a normal person
Gone are the days where I could take a leisurely shower. And I know, I know, spending less time in the shower is good for the environment and stuff, but just the mindset that I could take a leisurely shower if I wanted to would be heavenly. Instead, my ears are perked like satellites, ready to pick up on the slightest scream or cry. Snapping the shower curtain open like a psycho because I thought I heard something. My hair is dry because I don’t have time to let my conditioner sit in my hair. And shaving? Yeah right. I could start donating my leg hair to LuLaRoe for overly priced woolly mammoth leggings.
6. To have the TV to myself
If I develop a brain tumor, heaven forbid, I’m naming it Caillou, after the character who likely produced it.
7. To drink a cup of hot coffee in one sitting
Children have this weird force field in and around their hands that gets activated by vessels of liquid. How else do you explain their ability to spill everything? So, if my cup of jo doesn’t get spilled, the kids employ other anti-temperature-efficient coffee tactics to ensure my coffee feels like I’m suckling on a glacier’s teat by the time I get to it. Said tactics include, but are not limited to: tantrums, shaving the cat, episodes of psychosis, and general rebellion.
8. A sister wife
Don’t get me wrong. You’re cool and all, but what I wouldn’t give for a live-in BFF to braid my hair, give me compliments, watch movies, bake shit, and drunkenly go through Snapchat filters with. And no, you can’t have sex with her.
9. Just ONE good picture
Just one. Just. One. FFS. Or even if Instagram could create a filter that magically turns back time for a couple seconds since that’s the exact timeframe it takes for a portrait to go from “picture perfect” to “WTF is happening right now?”
Also, if you could take a photo of me every once in a while so I have some documentation that I existed as the Matriarch of this family, that would be just swell.