Monday, July 17, 2017

WTF-MD: The WebMD for Parents (Because our Kids Are Trying to Kill Us)

Chronic parenthood ailments caused by children

As mothers, part of our job description is to frantically Google symptoms we or our family members are experiencing in order to come up with a crazy-as-shit self-diagnosis before calling the doctor. 90% of the time, that diagnosis is imminent death, and 100% of the time, our doctors are tired of our bullshit antics (and wish they'd never given us the number to their cell phone).

Sometimes in life, we experience a set of symptoms that just don't seem to fit under any known conditions. It's not that these conditions don't exist, it's just that they haven't been named yet. At least not officially. That's why I've taken it upon myself to identify some of these common yet mysterious ailments that run rampant among parents.

Check off any and all symptoms that apply:

Monday, July 10, 2017

So, You Want To Start A Blog?



how to start a blog by Mommy CussesLately, I’ve been getting a lot of questions about blogging. I’ve avoided writing about this topic because I feel like doing so gives people the impression that I’m some kind of expert at this when, in reality, I’m just an expert at not knowing WTF I’m doing. On my journey as a blogger, I’ve made lots of mistakes and I’m nowhere near the blogger I aspire to be, but through those mistakes and crippling self-doubt, I have picked up some tips and tricks and can tell you what I do know.

Friday, July 7, 2017

It That Shall Not Be Named





Gather 'round and lean in close, ladies, because things are about to get weird, intimate, graphic, and super awkward. I can't help it, it's kinda my thing.

Ladies, what in the shit is wrong with us? There are new moms out there, happy and basking in their pregnancy glow and heads full of long, luscious pregnancy hair that have no clue about my topic today, and it should be our job to warn them, but we fucking don't.

Wednesday, June 28, 2017

Ice + Salt Eroding Brain Experiment

Mommy Cusses eroding brain salt and ice melting experiment kidtivity

Listen, guys, I have a confession. I’m a closet Pinterest Mom. I’m not like a regular Pinterest Mom, I’m a cool Pinterest Mom. 

I’ve decided to start sharing some hot-mess-mom-approved kid activities with you in case you also blur the lines between total shit show of a parent and sometimes does cool crap with their offspring.

In the future, I’ll also be sharing with you all the fun Pinterest fails I’ve run across so you don’t find yourself screaming into a pillow on numerous occasions like I have.

For my first hot mess mom kidtivity, I present to you, the Eroding Brain.

Monday, June 26, 2017

How To Pee If You're A Boy




How to pee if you're a boy by Mommy Cusses
If you’re a boy mom, you know that once you start potty training, your bathrooms will look and smell like a thing of nightmares. Urine-drenched nightmares. 

Cleaning the bathroom is a chore I have listed alongside things like changing a baboon’s diaper after a recent bout of food poisoning, and sponge-bathing the skin cheese of a stranger’s fupa.

Going #1 when you’re a little boy can be tricky, so I’ve slapped together this fun little how-to as a guide. Feel free to add more disgusting pee acts or modify the steps as you see fit.

Friday, April 14, 2017

Party Favors That Parents Secretly F*cking Hate

party favors all parents hate
All parents have had to deal with the aftermath of shitty party favors from well-meaning parents.

If you're the owner of a tiny human, then you have undoubtedly come into contact with a plethora of party favors. Most of the time, these favors are pretty damned cool and you can even wait a month or two before throwing them away. But sometimes, your child comes home with an assortment of nopes by a parent you're certain must secretly hate you.

Allow me to detail each item in the Pandora's box of kid's party favor fuckery.

Friday, April 7, 2017

The Mom Diet & Exercise Plan

Parent Humor Mom Diet and Exercise Plan


While it may not seem like it, the highly coveted “mom bod” can only be attained through a very strict diet and exercise regimen. Until now, this popular diet has been known only to mothers. After all, not everyone can handle the attention our dark under-eye circles and stretch marks draw in public. Being fabulous is so tiring.

It’s time to share the secrets of our diet plan, appropriately titled the “Mom Diet”.

Friday, March 31, 2017

How To (Not) Get Your Child In A Car Seat

There are few tasks that yield as much resistance and mind-fuckery from your child than getting them into their car seat.

It all sounds so simple: pick up your kid, set them down in their car seat, adjust and secure the car seat straps, and drive off into the sunset. Unfortunately, babies are born into this world with car seat repellent limbs.

Straight from the shitty parent's instruction manual, here's how to (not) get your kid into a  car seat.

Wednesday, January 18, 2017

How To Co-Sleep In 2,457 Easy Steps


How to co-sleep funny mom blog
The term co-sleeping is deceiving af. First, there’s the “co,” meaning jointly or mutually. What a crock of shit. There’s nothing jointly going on besides your kid’s jagged toenails taking turns slipping down your butt crack. Then there’s “sleeping.” Um, if by sleeping you mean 2-7 hours of internal screaming to an agonizing soundtrack of baby farts and your spouse’s snoring, then sure, some sleeping happens.

Whether you planned on co-sleeping or gave up the good fight just to gain another goddamn hour of shut-eye, there are some unspoken guidelines on how to do this thing properly.

Here’s how to co-sleep in 2,457 easy steps: