Friday, March 31, 2017

How To (Not) Get Your Child In A Car Seat

There are few tasks that yield as much resistance and mind-fuckery from your child than getting them into their car seat.

It all sounds so simple: pick up your kid, set them down in their car seat, adjust and secure the car seat straps, and drive off into the sunset. Unfortunately, babies are born into this world with car seat repellent limbs.

Straight from the shitty parent's instruction manual, here's how to (not) get your kid into a  car seat.

1. Take them to the car
Getting kids to go, or do, anything when you want them to is a rare and laughable feat. You can deploy every parenting tactic you have, aside from selling them into child slavery. Children do not give a decimal of a shit. Prepare for screaming, wiggling, thrashing, did I mention screaming?

2. Pick up your spawn
The moment the thought "car seat" enters your mind, your child will sense it like a predator smelling fear, and they will enter sack-of-potatoes mode. This is where they decide to lose all control of their body, resulting in a sort of full-body emergency break via dead weight.

Mommy Cusses funny parent Facebook memes

3. Place your child in their car seat
This is what I would imagine trying to boil a live octopus in a one-quart saucepan would be like. Limbs will be flailing and grabbing onto things for dear life, and your kid will be slippery from all of the crying. You will lean in close and whisper threats, only to turn around and realize the entire neighborhood or parking lot is staring at you. Oh, because you're all so fucking PERFECT, right?

4. Adjust and secure all of the straps
Good fucking luck, that's all I have to say. By now, your offspring will be utilizing every move in their "fuck you" arsenal to stop or delay what is happening. To cooperate would mean to give up what little control they have in their lives, and they will not go gentle into that good night. The moment you get one limb secured and move on to the next, they've slipped out of their restraints. Like whack-a-mole, but 10x more infuriating.

5. Give up
Cancel your plans, because life is not happening today. Contemplate strangling yourself with a seat-belt, but end up raising your white flag, or in this case, a Kleenex, curl up into the fetal position and ugly cry right here in your driveway to Carrie Underwood, because Jesus take the wheel. Neighbors be damned. After you finish putting the diaper bag back in the house and are headed back for the possessed, discover that your child is now fast asleep.

Happy Momming!

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