Friday, April 14, 2017
Party Favors That Parents Secretly F*cking Hate
If you're the owner of a tiny human, then you have undoubtedly come into contact with a plethora of party favors. Most of the time, these favors are pretty damned cool and you can even wait a month or two before throwing them away. But sometimes, your child comes home with an assortment of nopes by a parent you're certain must secretly hate you.
Allow me to detail each item in the Pandora's box of kid's party favor fuckery.
Or, as I like to call them, the herpes of kid's party favors. Because the shit spreads everywhere. Children are incapable of using one sticker at a time, they must peel off all of the stickers and decorate the entire house with them.
Then you end up getting suckered into wearing at least a dozen stickers and have to galavant around in forced pride over these monstrosities. Like a he-hawing jackass. You'll try to play them off light-heartedly to other adults as they react to your explanation as to why you're wearing them as if you've just told them you're terminally ill.
2. Slap hands
One of my favorite hobbies is getting bitch slapped by sticky slap hands from the back seat by my child whilst trying to drive home from a kid's party where this assault weapon was issued and not get into a car wreck. Slap hands are fun for the one wielding it, and total hell for everyone else. My cat hasn't come out from under the couch since The Great Slappy Hand Incident of post-Grayson's party in 2015. Thanks a lot, Susan.
3. Silly putty
No one knows the horror of finding an empty silly putty egg like parents. It's thanks to this delightful bullshit that I have pock marks in my carpet from having to surgically remove Satan's semen aka silly putty.
It rhymes with "fuck you" for a reason, because that's exactly what this is, a fuck you in the form of cheap, colorful, plastic that sounds like if Fran Drescher queefed out a pissed off platypus. If you supply my child with a kazoo, at least have the decency to accompany it with an ice pick so I can stab my eardrums.
5. Silly string
Why don't you just come take a violent diarrhea shit all over my house? Because same. Let's call silly string what it really is, a can of instant regret. If you curse my household with silly string, absolutely go fuck yourself.
And now is when I tell you that after that hilarious tirade, I have given out almost every single item on this list. Because I'm a walking, talking contradiction. Party favors are a very kind gesture that no one is required to purchase and give out. However, if you do hand the aforementioned items, know that everyone kinda hates you a little.