Tuesday, April 10, 2018

7 Uncommon Swear Words Applied to Motherhood

Shitpouch uncommon underused funny swear words from around the world applied to motherhood and parenting by Mommy Cusses


Swearing is my favorite. There’s just something about a good ol’ curse word that titillates my dysfunctional soul. The thing about swear words is that they can be used in a pinch as substitutes for almost any word and you can apply them to mean just about anything, regardless of their true meaning. They’re also great for conveying emotions other words just can’t do justice. As a connoisseur of anything sweary, I take expanding my swearcabulary very seriously. I’ve made it my mission to discover new and exciting curse words to share with you and apply them to parenting and motherhood. 
 
Here are seven of my new favorite underused swear words:

Wednesday, February 21, 2018

6 Pocket Horror Stories. Because I Can't Sleep, so Neither Should You

Mommy Cusses Pocket Horror Stories short horror stories

A few years ago, I came across a series of "two-sentence" horror stories like these ones on Bored Panda, and decided to write some of my own parent-themed "pocket" horror stories. As a severely sleep-deprived mom with nothing to do as I sat outside of my son's bedroom, trying to Jedi mind trick him into going the fuck to sleep, my cup ranneth over with bizarre thoughts. Now that I have another child who won't sleep, I've thought up a couple more. Because misery loves company, and if I can't sleep, then why should you?


Wednesday, February 14, 2018

8 Funny Valentine's Day Cards for Your Favorite Mom Friend

Funny Valentine's Day cards for moms and mom friends by Mommy Cusses

There's Valentine's Day, Singles Awareness Day, and even Galentines Day which sounds like some kinky orgy where you wear horse masks and flog each other while some creepo stands in the corner banging a cowbell. Moms always get the shaft. That's why I'm coining the day with an equally obnoxious term: Momentine's Day.

Many of us have been fortunate enough to make a mom friend or two who is equally as dysfunctional as ourselves. Someone who's been through the struggles and doesn't judge you when you go lock yourself in the bathroom and take a breather while your kid throws a tantrum. Someone who's down to come over and talk shit while refereeing the kids from the kitchen while you snack on your kids' leftover nugs. Someone who laughs at the same remarkably inappropriate things as you do.

Give the special mom friend in your life one of these funny Valentine's Day cards to let her know that not only does she do an impeccable job at cleaning up other people's shit, she is the shit.


Thursday, February 8, 2018

Sweary Mom Hacks

Sweary Mom Hacks and Parenting Tips funny mom blog post by Mommy Cusses

Do you enjoy a good mom hack? Introducing Sweary Mom Hacks. Parenting hacks and tips written in the same deliciously sweartastic style as Thug Kitchen recipes.


Friday, January 12, 2018

Stock Photography Is Bullshit

Mommy Cusses roasting stock photography
 
Contrary to common belief, stock photography was created by a team of pristine assholes for the sole purpose of making you feel like dick about yourself. Descendants of this group live on today as trolls in parenting forums, people who insist on putting toilet paper rolls on the wrong way, citizens who enjoy blocking entire aisles with their shopping cart, and slow drivers in the fast lane.

Because I’ve got my fuck all britches on today, I thought I’d make myself feel better in a healthy, constructive way – by making fun of this picture.